Very impacting! Makes a powerful statement about the life of the thinker. No doubt there are many who can empathize and feel pity for her predicament and share in relief as she decides to leave the oppressive environment of her childhood home. The only critique really is the change of perspective at the end, from 1st person to 3rd at the line, "Then it hits her..." This shocks the reader from their intimate companionship to suddenly feeling like they're with a stranger. If that shift is not intentional, consider researching on the internet: perspective and point of view in writing. You are brave to start with 1st person, its a hard point of view to master... I've never even tried it. Keep writing, you clearly have a talent for creating environment and mood with words!
Okay Kandy! Well done. I am still hooked. You have managed to stuff a great many plot devices into this one chapter. Greenhouse gases, a twist on survival of the fittest, aliens on the moon, VAMPIRES! I am really looking forward to what comes next for our hero! my only critique might be to see more descriptive detail, such as in your moon structures. It would be very appealing to imagine their size, shape, and quantity. This could just be because I am a visual orientated learner. Other readers my be quite satisfied. Thanks again for another chapter! I look forward to your next. Keep wiriting! Torie
Hook; that's what draws the reader in, and this opening definitely has it. I want to know more!
Characters; well I suppose there could many if this EART 2.0 turns into a full story, and the fist person perspectives introduces us to the main character right away.
Plot; very bold, and showing lots of potential!
Pace; even paced and keeps the reader reading.
I hope you turn this into a complete story. My most helpful input for you might on technicality; perhaps use a grammar and/or spell checker, or even find a beta reader for editing. The creativity is spot on! Keep writing.
Oh, this was hilarious! I loved every bit of it! The way the dialogue flowed seamlessly and even without indication it was very clear which was speaking, pumpkin or Jack-o-lantern. The comedy was unexpected, but of course it would be funny, its pumpkins and jack-o-lanterns! I especially enjoyed the English grammar lessons between them. I hope very much that you have won, or will win... good luck!
Torie
Good story, flows well, plot wise and keeps the reader interested. From the start the reader thinks he/she knows what the boy's parents are, then encounters just enough of a twist to realize that's not it, and the truth is revealed.
There are some instances where past and present are a little confused, such as: "Father especially, we never saw much of him anymore." The reader knows Davy is relating a past experience, perhaps from only a little while earlier, but in the action scenes it seems to be the present.
If that is so, wouldn't the sentence be "... we never see much of him anymore." Then in the very ending, "And it was the last time I saw him." implies the whole night actually took place some time ago.
Past and present tense make 'first person' one of the hardest perspectives to write, but in this story overall, it is well handled, and does not severely detract from the excitement.
Lastly, it may be the differences in the English language, such as in the UK and USA, but for American English, "Her dress was tore in many places,..." would be "Her dress [had been torn] in many places." because Davy had not witnessed the tearing of the clothing.
I hope very much that my review has been helpful and that you keep writing action packed, suspense thrillers such as this to continue to hone your craft to perfection. Thank you for sharing The Party on WDC.
Wow. Deep. I don't know much about poetry/prose, but I'd say this is definitely with-in the boundary of free verse poetry or prose. Very good story. I am very glad it ended well for Blinkin and the owner did not allow the bartender to shoot. If this is an example of one of your dreams then you are born to write. Thank you for sharing!
Torie
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