thisa is a very nice peice, I only noterd some minor issues ", made her seem as though she always had the need to smirk." This rerads a a narative preamble to the story. It might read better as "Half of her smile, crooked and cocked. gave the appearance of a presistant smirk" She always had the need" implicates deliberation and moves from narative to third person perspective. “Joseph’s sister” picks up an additional character not previously introduced. This might be changed somewhat by placing his presence in a dialogue of sorts. Perhaps “Her brother Joseph learned that people weren’t willing to give notice to his sisters beautiful side, merely her ugliness. Because of her disfigurements she was given away by her parents at an early age and later displayed as a circus side show, she became the target of jeers and insults by malicious carnival crowds . This next portion is somewhat convoluted, “
Despite her physical appearance, she had been loved by many” might be more fitting as “Despite her physical appearance, those who knew her growing up loved her for who she was. The Author displays skill and imagination but seems to slide of into idiosyncrasies and envelopes them into the narrative dialogue, as opinions. Carryover and literary ties such as “in any case” should be reserved for interpersonal dialogues between character conversations. These are small things that can be easily corrected by simple editing and proof reading. the skill displayed by this author implies ability to refine this into a great piece.
For me this poem offers deep elements of emotion and inner need for acceptance. Starting off as a child stumbling learning the hard lessons suffered as they grew older. Finally reaching a point of illumination with realization of satisfying others expectations inadvertently. then reflecting back on their past and the lessons handed down to them, As they move forward they embrace the comfort felt from families love and the figure that provides comfort, though the individual that has provided the feeling is still not apparent. A great example of free verse poetry.
I see lots of thought and emotion in this work. They rhyming is well versed though I might have changed some things (" Crimson dreams through my mind glide, my hope and fears dwell locked inside" might offer a little more countenance with Glide and inside) again in the second stanza "Your face shines forth from heavens den, and calls to me from deep within “It’s there I feel that I'll be safe secure within your warm embrace” For me poetry needs to sing on its own. The ending words should be very close in length and tonality, while each verse contains the same rhythm. Each syllable counts as one so that each verse would have the same total number of syllables. This one works well but might need a little refining to change it from a good work to a great work. Your ability speaks out in volumes and I am sure with a little more thought this one would demand an ovation.
Great work, it pulls the reader in from the very beginning. I enjoyed the depth and feeling written into it. There was only one area that I thought needed expanding on. "The man looked slightly confused, then gritting his teeth started to slice Kursten’s face." It might give more strength if you were to have the faux protagonist grab her and wield the knife before she goes into action. But this is an excellent example of single point fiction with a great surprise ending. Thanks for sharing!
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