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Review by A.B. Morhardt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Kikyuu,
I enjoyed your poem. I hope my suggestions are helpful to you.

-The title fits, but doesn't do any work for the poem.
-"Some small flying insect": would naming a specific insect be more useful here?
-"hanging low and heavy": consider choosing a different verb that can say what all this says. It will make the line tighter and your image stronger.
-"Boy-sized shapes": SO effective :)
-"exploring how many / different patterns peach juice / could dry on their cheeks": the idea of exploring how juice dries on cheeks is so interesting and lovely. It's also a particularly appealing image to me.
-"I gave my mother / a grin stuffed with peach pits": Again, very effective, because it's such an unexpected image.

Thanks!
-A.B. Morhardt
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