I'm very intrigued by this excerpt and would love to read more. I was quickly drawn in by your vivid descriptions of the characters as well as the attack scene.
Here is one of my favorite parts:
This was not their first girl, and had I not come along this one would never have seen another sunrise. I could not be certain of how many they had taken, but the parade of tear-streaked and often-bloodied young faces through my mind was more than enough to convince me. These men were a stain upon the human race, and deserved every ounce of what they were about to receive. I smiled, calm, steady.
Some things I'll point out because I think you can make the story even better:
1. Story tense. In some places you use the past tense: "The pack turned their full attention to me and away from the girl, their latest victim, who lay curled on the dingy floor." (Also like the image of them as a pack.) And then in other places you use present tense: "He is shaking so hard his voice trembles too."
2. Punctuation. There are a few places where a comma is missing. Usually when you are using "too."
Judging by the gleam of lust rising to a feverish spark in his eye, he enjoyed seeing fear on a woman's face too. I would put a comma between face and too.
I felt like this story took place in another time, or even another reality, but then you mention the car and Anberlin, which even though I like Anberlin, dates the story. Was this your intention?
Also, most of us here on WDC will double space between paragraphs to make reading a little easier on the eyes. The red font could be hard on some people's eyes as well, but it wasn't as big a deal since this was a short excerpt. Just something to keep in mind should you continue this, which I hope you do.
I'm very interested in learning more about this Eternal, and what happens to the girl. If you post more of this, please let me know and I would love to read it.
I'm intrigued. Great descriptions of both the male character and his surroundings. I loved this line:
With the rythms of the neighborhood squeezing through the open window, he deeply inhales the pine-scented eve, and then peers desperately across the street, toward the west. Great stuff!
I would rethink your intro. It tells us the man as Aspergers and that the woman he is watching is blind, but I think that gives away too much since none of that is mentioned in your prologue. You do a great job of building suspense and anticipation and interest, why ruin it with giving away too much in your intro?
A few suggestions to make your writing more reader-friendly. Double space between paragraphs. It looks like your formatting didn't transfer from word program to writing.com. Most of us will double space to make it easier on the eyes. Watch your comma use, I saw it used in some places that wasn't needed. I only saw one typo: (c:blue)the echo of a dog barking in the distant; I think you meant distance.
Again, I'm definitely intrigued. I'd like to read more. Good job and write on!
I liked this! The pacing was good, the imagery good, and definitely very creepy. Very good characterization through dialogue.
There's a couple of places where I would've used commas:
"Damnit Rose!" I would've made "Damnit, Rose!" and there's a couple of other places in dialogue like this example where I would've used a comma, but otherwise, nothing stood out at me, nothing detracted from the story.
Hi there! I'm reviewing this poem as part of "Invalid Item" because it includes the word "balloon."
I quite enjoyed the images this poem invoked as well as the rhyming, but it does need a lot of work grammatically.
Showing the possessive form of it does not require an apostrophe. Its shows possession while it's is a contraction of it and is. Its' is not grammatically correct at all.
I noticed a couple misspelled words as well:
throut should be throat
teathers should be (c:green}tethers
I also noticed the punctuation at the end of each line is inconsistent as well. My suggestion to you (and it is just a suggestion) is since you've got an ABCB rhyming pattern, I'd separate each pattern into a stanza, so instead of having 24 individual lines, you would have six separate stanzas. Then you could probably do without any punctuation.
If you end up revising this, please let me know and I'd be happy to re-rate and review this again. Good luck with it and write on!
Wow, what a great article! I'm glad I stumbled across this as it's always great to see what fellow writers/reviewers look for and how they review! This is so well put-together, very logical and easy to understand. I appreciate all the research that went into it and your linking to so many helpful items throughout WDC. Many of them I've seen before, but some others I haven't!
This is something that should definitely be showcased to new members of WDC. Great job, Brooklyn!
I have to admit, I'm guilty of treating tall people like they are something of a novelty, but that's because I'm short! You've inspired me, maybe I'll write a piece about how horrible is it to be short...
You've done a good job letting the reader know how frustrating it is to be subjected to certain lines of questioning, to be held to certain stereotypes and you've done it in an often humorous way.
This was fairly organized as well and I had no problem following you from one point to another.
I do have a couple of suggested edits:
The few passages where you have dialog, I would still double space between each new speaker to keep your spacing consistent.
And I also see your rating is 13+ but I think it should really be 18+ because of the cursing and sexual references, but I only mention that because it's better to be on the safe side.
Also, you should take advantage of the genres you could categorize this as to help draw more reader interest. Like comedy or entertainment if you want this to be looked at in a light manner, or maybe biographical or experience or personal if you want it regarded as so, or even maybe under Men's if you think this a mostly male problem. A lot of people will check for a genre before deciding to actually open it or not, so if you'd like more reviews, you want to make sure you get noticed.
And the one thing that has still been nagging at me this whole time:
I quite enjoyed this story, even though I'm not much of a fantasy reader. I really got into it and was eager to learn more about the snow gryphon.
I enjoyed the characterization of your main character (although I noticed you never gave him a name) and I enjoyed learning about gryphons through him. I enjoyed seeing things unfold through his eyes, I never felt once like I was being "told" instead of "shown" so great job there!
I did notice some places where you can tighten this up grammatically, mostly dealing with commas.
“Is that a gryphon in there Dalton?” I asked eagerly. You should have a comma between there and Dalton.
he chuckled at this and I got the... He needs to be capitalized.
“No choice boy." I'd use a comma after choice.
On pulling it out it flung away to the side of me and ripped the gloves from my hands as fast as I could. This sentence doesn't quite make sense, I think a word might be missing or maybe you meant "I flung it away" instead of "it."
There are several places you use the word "boy" in diolog, for example:
“I got to get this bullet out of you boy." There's a natural pause after "you" so I would use a comma after you and before boy. There's several places where I would do this.
Overall I think this is a great story about a boy coming of age and the mythical creature who ends up trusting him. I especially liked the part about a gryphon knowing the good and bad in a man. You've done a very good job with this story and I hope you do well in the contest!
Thanks for giving us some more information about yourself! I like the bulleted format, it's much easier to read than paragraphs of text. I did notice a couple of typos and misused punctuation, but if you go through it again, or use grammar and spell check, you'll find them.
Great poll! I, too, think like you do, and don't rate the really bad pieces I see. You've got a good array of polling choices and I was very interested in seeing how everyone else voted.
And to answer your question as to why we don't offer encouragement on the awful pieces that obviously need the feedback, my opinion is that when you have to write a review that is nothing but corrections to grammar or punctuation or tense agreement or whatever, it's not encouragement anymore. How could someone possibly add any encouragment when all the writer sees is line after line of corrections?
And if a piece is really that bad, then I just think the writer didn't take the time to really write well. No one really has that excuse, unless they're not an native English speaker.
I liked this! A good old fashioned ghost story, just in time for Halloween!
No suggestions for improvement, except for some punctuation. Usually you don't need to use ellipses and a question mark. I think the reader would still get the gist with just the ellipses. And you don't need extra question marks to show us the woman is frustrated, let her actions show us that.
A different story with some views and issues many don't want to publicly talk about. Even though I have the opposite views of your main character, I could appreciate her as a character. I'm not sure what the point of this story was, if it was intended to be a social commentary, or if it was just your way of delving into a particular topic, but either way, I enjoyed the writing.
Just a few errors I noticed:
vomitted should be vomited
marroon should be maroon
And in dialogue, when someone asks something, there should be a question mark, not a comma.
You have a professor softly bellow which doesn't make sense to me.
I'm definitely going to check out more of your port. I'm always interested in a writer who isn't afraid to broach certain topics. Nice job and write on!
I'm not much into poetry, but I liked this! Short and sweet, with very clear images. I can appreciate this! I really don't care for poetry where I have to try to figure out what is being said.
Here, images of playing football in the grass, the temperature getting colder, even though the sun still shines. Just with these few images, I hear laughter, I smell autumn, I feel the pigskin in my hands.
Nice job! You've done a great job of turning this prompt into a riveting tale. I was considering joining this contest, but now that I've read your story, I don't know if I will even bother!
Great descriptions, both phsyically and emotionally--I really got a good feel for your main character. Nice story plot, even though it's based on a well-known "monster" you made it seem new.
My only nitpick was over the apparition that curses the brother. It didn't really seem to fit for me, but I enjoyed the rest of the story so much that I let it slide.
Great article! I don't give too many 5's myself, and if I do, it's because the item moved me beyond words. And while this didn't move me beyond words, per se, it did move me with the effort involved in it.
I'd never thought about the ratings and reviewing system as you protray it. You've given me a lot to think about. Job well done!
Cute! I hadn't scrolled all the way down the page, and was disappointed to see there was only two stanzas! I see you've done some others...could a children's picture book be in the works?
Nice, childlike quality to the rhyme. I could see a child reading this with a big grin on his/her face.
But you need to expand on it, or else put them all together as one work!
And since this is poetry, I know there's no hard and fast rules to punctuation, but the editor in me cringed at the space between the last word of each stanza and the punctuation. Just for comformity's sake, maybe take the space out?
Nice article covering an area that many of us have a problem with. Good use of examples to illustrate each "lesson." It was nice to do a quick refresher, so thank you!
I especially appreciate the notes at the end, quoting your sources. Not that I think others who don't quote their sources are any less credible, but it's nice to see where you get your information.
And of course you want to take credit for the lesson examples!
LOL, I guess I shouldn't make assumptions about genders--you had me fooled until the end.
I like the opening, the apparent nervousness that is quickly overcome with the familiarity of the act. I do have some suggestions though.
I'd rethink my rating and genre selection. You are referring to an activity that is more adult and you do use the word "ass," so I don't think it qualifies as an E item. Also, this didn't seem very comedic or suspensful at all. And as far as activity goes, I've seen it mainly used in articles or essays where one is talking about a specific activity that many people can or do participate in.
You go on to call this a short story, but it's written in almost a poem/prose format. If you really want it to be a short story, you'll need to add more to it, flesh it out with full sentences, not just fragments. Formatting should be paragraphs with indents and/or line spaces between them, most readers prefer that format.
With just some tweaking with your presentation, and making a few different choices with your descriptions, genres, and rating, you'll be sure to get more reviews!
Wow, a huge impact in such a short space. I'd love to hear more about this couple, and what led them to this moment, but as a snapshot, this was perfectly done.
So poignant, so heartbreaking. Once again, you've outdone yourself. Great job and write on!
You have a very different style that takes getting used to, but after reading all five poems, I found it lyrical.
I found a couple of typos: In "Triplets" you spell Gwin with an "e" in one place, and in "Brothers" Uk should be UK.
The only other distraction was trying to "hear" the rhyming scheme. Again, there is no rhyme (sorry for the pun) or reason as to why or when you decide to rhyme. I think most readers want some sort of consistency.
Other than that, a nice selection of poems. A novel about Siamese twins dating a set of identical triplets, hmm?
I could totally picture this being a toddler or preschooler's picture book. There could be great illustrations to go along with each image. A great way to get kids' imaginations going. The repetition and simple language would make it a great book for beginning readers, too. Nice job!
This seems to be a very, personal heartfelt poem. I like it. Your language is simple, the rhythm and rhyme is good. You've done a good job at showing us what God is to you without sounding pushy or superior.
There's only one line that sticks out to me:
You accept my silent scream.
I wasn't sure what this meant--a scream of frustration? lonliness? despair? I'm not sure if you could clarify without ruining the rhyming scheme or the rhythm, but that's my only nitpick.
I'm no expert on poetry, but I liked this poem. You use fairly simple language, of which I'm always a big fan, and you invoke vivid, recognizable images, which is good for us non-poetry types.
I like that these things are experienced in dreams, but I'm trying to grasp where "wishes" come in. The narrator wishes s/he could've experienced those things for real, but they can only dream about it? The title and first line makes me think more emphasis will be on "wishes" but it seems to be about dreams. That's my only nitpick.
Wow, I don't know how I hadn't found this article sooner, but it's great! Sure, I've looked at my extended statistics before, and much of it didn't make sense. This article has really made my statistics seem much clearer to me. The organization is great, the information explained in a way that is easy to understand. I never realized how much my statistics could help me, so thanks!
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