My brain hurts after reading this, but in a good way:) I picture this as a person arguing with the little devil and little angel on their shoulders. I'm not too good at the whole poetry thing, so I totally commend you. Great job! Definitely gets you thinking, or in my case staring at the screen because my brain is in overload. Nevertheless, brilliant!
I tihnk the first paragraph of the third person sample is better, but I like the rest of the first person sample. I would a combined the two. Start out with that first paragraph from the third person oint of view, then switch over to the first person.
I really like what I've read so far,and I'm sure whatever you decide will work just fine. Good luck:)
The format of this stroy is nice, very easy to read with paragraphs starting when a new person speaks or a new thought occurs. While the format was good, I felt that the plot was lacking. I didn't get what was happening, or what the purpose was what-so-ever. Maybe with a different ending the story would be better. By telling who the girl was or what the significance of the ninja was I think this story could be better. I rarely rate below a three because I feel that work should be rewarded, but I don't think this was thought through enough. With some work and more thinking, this would be great.
I was really excited when I read the first paragraph. The further I read, the less excited I got. What I have read is definately a good start, but I wanted some action. Like I said, the first paragraph really grabbed at my attention, but after that I caught myself just skimming through hoping to find some true action. The details are definately something interesting, but I found the whole piece was more informative than entertaining. Well, scratch that. It was entertaining. It had me thinking. But, my thoughts were shot down when the piece ended so abruptly with no action after you had everything set up for a good story of humans versus droids. Keep on with this thought, becasue it has the potential to be very good. It's very original:)
I must say, I am impressed. In my opinion, this could hold a candle to anything published at the moment. While reading this I thought of books like Crossed, The Hunger Games, and Matched, just to name a few. There was great detail, so it was easy to read and get what was happening. I liked that the first chapter laid out a good introduction as to what we were entering. This is something that I would buy in a book store. Nice work! Please continue with the story!!!!!!!!!!!
First of all, nice story! I like the plot, and I can tell it was well thought out.
There are some moments that are all over the place, like when you pause and say that Uncle Jason was listening to music and dancing. I felt that it wasn't needed becasue it disrupted the flow of the action that the reader was getting into.
Also, try to start a new paragraph every time someone new talks. This helps the reader follow along easily, especially in longer stories like your own, A new paragraph should also be started any time a new thought is developed. I found myself just skimming over the longer paragraphs, because I kept on losing my spot.
Lastly, try to develop your characters a little more. I got confused when the other boys joined Jason to go hunt Benson and his 'tinies'. I was pretty confused throughout this part. I would've liked to know a little more of Benson's past, but it was just thrown in at the end. I'm still confused as to why Mike would want to stay a 'tiny'. Maybe this confusion would be cleared up by adding some of the story in Mike's perspective. The reader gets to know that Benson is miserable all day in Jason's show, but it isn't unitl they get home that you even know that Mike was with them all day too.
Like I said, good story. Hopefully you will find some of this helpful, becasue I feel that with a little editing, you could have a very good story.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mshanholtz
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 5:51pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
