A very well thought out, informative, and well designed article/letter. I liked the idea of the business cards the best. I, for one, have never thought of putting my port. on a business card, and it just makes so much sense to do so. I also like how you went into and explained how tag lines can be effective.
The whole idea about including a link to your port. on ebay I also found very amusing. Again, that's something that most people would probably never think of doing.
Overall, a very informative piece that both old and new writer's a like should be interested in. Especially those who frequent and use writing.com a lot.
Hi! :) I just read the first chapter of Songman and I thought I'd give my impressions to you. So hold on and lets see where we go!
We start this review/critique a little on the weak side. Don't worry, it gets much better! ;)
OVERVIEW
Paul Stewart finds himself at an auction. While there he comes across a young woman whom he enters into a very short bidding war with. They meet in the cashier line and a conversation develops. When Sierra, the lady Paul is talking to, can't afford to pay for what she's bid on, Paul comes to the rescue. Before we know it, the two are sitting up their first date.
TITLE and OPENING
.5 Stars
The title was interesting and it's what made me open the piece in the first place. Right now I'm not drawing connections between it and the story. It's like, I don't understand the reference to songman... I was expecting singing... hmm. Perhaps this will become more clear as we get into the novel/book.
The opening also felt a little shaky to me... That first paragraph almost felt like description overload ... I also found myself having to go back and reread it more than a few times. Don't get me wrong... I think it's a strong opening, one that's going to quickly catch the readers attention. What makes it strong? The fact we start by talking about a hat and that we are at an auction. This is a setting that is a rarity in many novels. What doesn't seem to work? I feel as though there are some details that aren't needed or that could be woven in elsewhere in the novel instead of all in one place. I'm referring to the body scan. Perhaps we could tighten that a little? Perhaps a rewrite of the first paragraph in 2 or 3 other ways would be interesting to see if it could work differently? Just to see what it sounds like. If after that you still like this one better by all means stick with it! :)
CHARACTERS and DIALOGUE
1 Full Star
You really shine here! We have two wonderfully designed characters who simply come to life under your guidance. Both Paul and Sierra come across as very real. We see instant flaws in Sierra and we get some hinting at Paul's own flaws as well. We also see their strong points too, which is what is going to draw many readers in. The chemistry between the two is great and the dialogue is beautifully done. The two go back and forth in a smooth flowing conversation style. Never once does it feel rushed, forced, or anything like that. This is going to make for an excellent flowing book that will hold a reader's attention from start to finish if you play up this strength of yours.
PLOT and CONFLICT
1 Full Star (for now)
We have a romance story here. Plot hasn't fully kicked in yet probably. We do see conflict pop up early, which is a good sign. Conflict, of course, being what drives most stories. In our opening chapter we have the conflict of someone not having enough money and if we cna trust each other. This shows both an internal and external conflict, one which gets resolved right away and the other which we, as a reader, also know will be resolved. It will be interesting to see where this story ends up going. If it will follow along the lines of a traditional romance story or if we add variance to that theme. Based on what has been seen thus far, I can almost guarantee this will be anything but a normal romance story.
SETTING
1 Full Star
Right away we are given an interesting place... an auction. This itself is worth that full star. It's going to be interesting to see what other locations turn up in the novel as it progresses. We also get a small hint and clue about the club Sierra works at. Sounds very different from the auction, which will be good. As you know, varied locations keep the reader's mind going.
SPELLING AND GRAMMAR
1 Full Star
I personally didn't see or find any spelling or grammar errors that needed to be fixed. I'm not very strong in this area myself though, so certainly have someone who is an editor or who does well with this factor to help make sure this is correct and ironed out.
CLOSING REMARKS
After things get started it really seems to flow well. I'm going to certainly be reading chapter two when you post it. I'm really dying to know more about this Sierra... and to see how this relationship is going to develop. Oh, one other point to point out... The transition between paragraph one and two seems very sudden... consider adding some stars inbetween to let us know we are changing. Just a suggestion.
Best wishes and thanks for sharing! Looking forward to more! :)
Jeriah's Vision strikes me for a few different reasons.
First it reminds me very much of the Salem Witch Trials. Be the author have done any research on them or not, it doesn't matter. The short piece bares a very strong striking resemblance to those trials and carries just as much emotional ump with it as the historical biographies from back then do.
Second, I really enjoyed how the author did such a great job with description in this piece. Whereas some may see it as being overloaded with description, this reader's eyes enjoyed having very visual stunning pictures painted for him.
This is also gives the feel as being "just the beginning" or being a "piece" of something much larger. I hope that the author decides to continue with it... perhaps granting readers a glimpse into just what that "place where witches go" looks like and feels like. Likewise, to have more background information on how things got to the point that this is at would be good too. Make no mistake, the author makes it very clear what got Jeriah into so much trouble, if the author were to expand on this (allowing us to see a prequell), it would allow us to connect so much better with the character of Jeriah.
There are some questions left unanswered, but overall this has a marvelous presence to it and I can for see many great things coming from this author in the future.
Such an interesting poll you chose to do, but my it seems like it's been fun! :) Even if I personally would never eat green eggs and ham ::grin::... I'm sure there are those who would!
I'm posting this to the public review page in hope that you have others who will delight in taking your children's poll based of one of Dr. Seuss's most beloved books.
A beautiful and wonderful tribute to the person you cared about. This poem, though not totally "on" rhyme scheme wise, packs a lot of emotion to it. You also did a wonderful job with punctuation as well, something that many people who write poetry forget about. Though there is some minor work that could be done there, overall it's very nice.
Don't forget that your becomes you're when you mean you are.
If you're looking to make this "poetically correct" you may will have some rewriting to do... Understand I'm not the best with poetry... I approach it differently from most. For me poetry is about the expression of emotion... as such I don't know a lot about the mechanics of poetry and so forth. Don't be surprised if some of those who are more poetically inclined aren't harder on you... They'll want to do their best to help you bring out your best...
Otherwise, from the stand point of expressing emotions, you did a fine and great job.
I was browsing through the Spiritual section of the webs site and came across your short story entitled "THE CHILD HUDDLED IN THE CORNER."
What I enjoyed
I really liked this story. I liked the way you were brave enough to approach a topic that some people would most likely shy away from. Things that deal with the supernatural tend to be a taboo subject for many people for some reason.
I also enjoyed the fact that you spent a lot of time going into detail about what the child was experiencing. This almost sounds as though it was based off a real life situation of someone... it seems to have that feel to it. Be that true or not, because the writing reflects that it says a lot about your ability to write.
Suggested Improvements
I would suggest the following for improving upon an already good piece:
I noted a word count. I then investigated and discovered that this piece was designed for a 500 word contest. With that being said, much of the suggestions that follow below will only apply should you decide to take this piece and make it longer.
1. Consider going into more detail about the child. What did the child look like? What was the child thinking? What was the child wearing? What happened to the child after this event?
2. Any dialogue that could be added? Grant it, the girl seems to be alone and terrified, but what about directly before the event or directly after the event?
3. What about the way the room looks? Setting plays an important role when dealing with things connected to the supernatural. The more senses that are brought into play, the more vivid and alive the experience becomes for the readers as well.
Closing
To close, I would like to thank you again for making this piece available for reading. Perhaps you could write more similar to it, or take what you have here and expand upon it, making an entirely new piece. Either way, this was well designed and flowed really well. Best wishes as you continue along your journey. I'll be looking forward to more.
I especially liked how you show people to say hello in different languages. It's a great source for finding out where particular people come from. That way, if one has questions about a certain country or state, then one can find someone to talk to from that location. Not to mention, of course, how wonderful it is to be able to see, as was mentioned, where certain reviewers come from.
I hope more people take a look at this and decide to join in, it could prove interesting to see how long and large the list gets.
~JC
P.S. I currently live in Florida, so I'd like to be listed as coming from Florida.
Hi there!
Future_writer, I saw this wonderful poem and wanted to take the time to do a poetry critique on it. :)
Normally I don't critique poetry, as it's not my field that I usually write in, but this caught my attention and since I don't believe in rating without reviewing, I wanted to give my thoughts.
SUBJECT
1 Full Star for Subject
The subject of this poem is both personal and universal. I think everyone has had a friend that has left at some point and time in some way. This poem, to me, speaks on both that very personal level and also moves beyond that to a more universal level. Additionally, it works to show the emotions that were and are involved. It is also not a topic that I, personally, have seen a lot written on, which makes it fresh with a new perspective.
TITLE
1 Full Star for the Title
When it comes to poetry, titles are just as important as the subject matter. Fictional pieces can many times get away with a sloppy title, but in poetry the title *must* add something to the over emphasis of the poem while describing what the poem in general is about. Your title does this wonderfully. It lets the reader know we are talking about someone leaving and it makes one ask the question "Who's leaving"... this, as a result, will provoke people to read. Also, the title is not a phrase that is repeated over and over through-out the poem. This is an added bonus.
FORM AND STRUCTURE
.5 STAR for Form and Structure
Poem seems to use a rhyme scheme where B rhymes with D. Be careful with this type of poetry. Many "serious poets", for whatever reason, seem to frown on such simple rhyme schemes. I personally don't have a problem with it... what works, works in my book. The meter is very sing/song, which also doesn't bother me, but beware...you may find people who may feel that this is like hearing nails on a chalk board.
LAYOUT/SPELLING/GRAMMAR
.5 points given for layout/spelling/grammar
Spelling seems to be perfect. Layout also doesn't seem to be a problem. There is little punctuation which will also bother some people. Consider some of the following suggestions:
Paragraph One: Consider a period after screen. Also consider changing at to upon.
My eyes started to blur
As I looked at the screen
I read the words she typed
And thought what does this mean?
REWRITTEN
My eyes started to blur
As I looked upon the screen.
I read the words she typed
And thought what does this mean?
Paragraph Two: Consider a period after July.
Paragraph Three: Consider changing were to we're. Consider period after friends. Try not to double up.. the two Ands feel out of place. Consider changing to something like "Things coming to an end."
Old
I had always felt alone
Until we were friends
And now were being ripped apart
And now comes the end
Rewritten
I had always felt alone
Until we were friends.
And now we're being ripped apart
Things coming to an end.
Paragraph Four: Seems good.
Paragraph Five: Seems very good.
Paragraph Six: May need some reworking, I'll let someone more experinced try to offer suggestions for it though.
OTHER FACTORS
1 Full Star for other factors.
No Cliches seem to be used. The poetry comes across as very consistent. The vocabulary is also good.
Closing Remarks.
I've really enjoyed reading this. As I stated before, it strikes a special chord in my heart as I'm sure it will many other's. Consider asking some of the people here who tend to specialize in poetry to give it a good glance over so that you may receive even more suggestions and insights.
Best Wishes
I (and I'm sure many) look forward to seeing more of your talent appearing here. :)
Many thanks again for the review you did on my short story. I'm returning the favor and have selected "The very kind Princess Annabelle" as the piece to review and critique. So let's see where things take us!
One Full Star for the OPENING: The opening of the story was good. It quickly catches the attention and provides us with the main problem right away... that problem being the girl is of monstrous size.
One Full Star for the CONFLICT: We see the conflict has to do with her eating too much. We also see that there is an internal conflict where she's afraid that other children will make fun of her. Additionally, we are introduced into the other little girl's conflict of wanting to say thank-you, but not being allowed too.
One Full Star for PLOT: Even though this plot could not possibly happen in the "real world", that is of little concern here. After all, we are talking about children's fiction. What a wonderful job done on solving the main conflicts though!
That right away is going to give a three star rating which is the "average" rating according to writing.com
Now lets get to suggested improvements:
1. Names...... As picky as it is, I noted that only the title character was named. How nice it would be to have the other little girl named too!
2. Dialogue.... Though we are telling a story, having some spoken words would be nice. As an example: Instead of just having one girl hug our main character... perhaps you could add something similar to (but with your own powerful creative genius)
The girl entered the room and rushed to the princess giving her as big a hug as she could muster. This shocked the princess, she was waiting for the girl to laugh at her. But the girl only smiled and told her how wonderful a princess she was. "Thank you so much princess. I was so hungry, but you gave me food when you didn't have to. I will always be thankful for that."
And so on. Even in children's stories dialogue can do a powerful job of defining characters and progressing a story.
3. Setting.: Again, it's wonderful as it is. We know we are in a land and time of castles, princess, kings and queens. Can we do anything else to bring out the setting? Perhaps go more into what the princess's room looks like?
4. Annabelle is said to be very kind and sweet and we certainly see that through-out the main arc of the story. Are there other ways that we can show this before the other girl comes into the picture? Does she offer to do the dishes sometimes? Does she draw her parents pictures? Does she say nice things to the guards?
5. Along the same lines, what else can we include to make Annabelle stand out? Of course we already know her size is a huge factor and that she's sweet and kind, what about hobbies? What does she enjoy doing? Does she discover her and her new found friend share a hobby? That could be a great way of establishing a growing a friendship that has just started.
Now lets look at some more good to round off this review/critique.
One Full Star for Theme: You are dealing with a very important theme here. In fact, there are more than one important theme that are included in this story. There is a great deal of potential to do a lot with it. We are dealing with a theme of being different, huge, friendship, charity, taking care of the world, taking care of each other and those are only a few that I noticed right away. Each of these themes have the capacity to be developed into a much larger scale and can teach kids a great deal, something I've gathered you already knew and thought about.
All in all this is off to a marvelous start. Many of the suggestions will only apply if you desire t increase the length of the story. Otherwise, for just being a story to tell, it stands very well on its own. Should you decide to add in other elements or expand, it could possibly be a real winner among both parents and children and something I could even possibly see at some point and time being recommend for either young children or young children and their parents to read and discuss together.
Best Wishes in all that you do xtina529.
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