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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mrrnewman
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18 Public Reviews Given
26 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Hunters  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wonderful imagery. I really enjoyed the morning after scene.

I do have two questions.

1. Is Daniel suppose to be Danielle? I thought Daniel was the masculine and Danielle feminine? It sounded like two boys at first when I read it. Just checking?

2. In paragraph 2 I thought there was a little repetition -could this line be rephrased?
"for their bodies were in unison; when her paws struck the damp forest earth, so did his, and when his heart beat, so did hers. In the moonlight, they were unison. They were one."

to something like -

'for their body maneuvers perfect: paws struck the damp forest earth in harmony, there heart beats indistinguishable. In the moonlight, they were in unison. They were one."

Just a thought to make it more vivid...

I really enjoyed the story and hope to see more..
Robert
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Review of Shadows  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First you did nice holding to form. Quatrains are four line stanzas of any kind, rhymed, metered, or otherwise.
Your variation (the Envelope Stanza - I believe is the definition) is a quatrain poem with the rhyme scheme "abba", where lines 2 and 3 are enclosed between the rhymes of lines 1 and 4. Again, Nice Form!

Yes, The shadows are free but also they are captive to light. The sun moves and so soon must the shadow. Nice word style.

I like how you depict the dark and death within the shadows. The fear when we are running and skipping and the shadows follow along or maybe they do the skipping and running and we hasten to catch up. Hmmm.

Really good imagery. Good fear factor too.
One suggestion. I know the style doesnt have any specifics as for rhymed or unrhymed as mentioned above, but I believe it will read smoother if you try to stick to 10 syllabiles per line. It tends to flow smoother. Uneven syllabiles per line still may work if you hold to a patttern. Again it's not required but does make for an easier read.
Nice Work!
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3
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very nice piece of prose. I really like the way you took the thoughts and memmories in life and weaved it into the picture of a ship sailing on an ocean and we alone are the captain.

You did an outstanding job of imagery. I could really imagine and picture the ship in my mind. The waves crashing up against the hull. The nervousness of the captain as he looks back and forth, forward and behind.

I know the feelings of the rush of memories. Especially, as time moves on. We can be overwelmed by them and fear sets in when we don't even know if we have been navigating life correctly.

I enjoyed the finish. You tied things together very neatly in the last 2 small paragraphs. Where did you come from? Where are you going? The past is growing and moving by swiftly but the future ahead is just as big.
Sail on!

Great job!
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I believe this is well spoken. I also appreciate the update at the bottom. It was nice to let me know that the free items are updated from time to time because that is one hell of a free list. This site has an enormous amount of free things.

The original letter sounded like it came from some one who was either young or immature or both. Most of the times the immature want want want and never give.

Well, I am glad for the opportunity to give.

I started on as a free register 2 years ago and kind of forgot about it, but after reading this email and seeing what you have to offer, I am sure i'll be here daily. Thanks


Oh, I took a half point off for ranting..sorry..but it was a good rant!
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