What I liked: The theme of searching for something that people invent, when it is really right there all along. It was depressing that he missed his life, but he did experience things and not stay contained.
Minor Changes: "To know they are" doesn't make sense with what you are saying. It rhymes but you need a different word to be grammatically correct.
Major Changes: I personally like the changing rhythm because I am a big fan of free verse, writing it, and it's done. However, if you wanted to, you could change the rhythm to line up a few stanzas. (Mainly the 1st four)
Thank you so much for the great piece and for sharing!
My Title Opinion: I think that "The Living Vampire" is a better title. "Half-Breed" sends the "she is a bad different" (that may be what your going for) but "The Living Vampire" catches the eye better because it is so different.
What I liked:
I liked the plot. She is very different, and it shows. I want to find out what happens to her!
--Golden lines: "Sweet smell of morning rain was on the air as I raced through the foggy streets."--"Rage bubbled up inside me, threatening to burst."--
Minor Changes:
Shouldn't "peek" in the second paragraph be "peak"? Also, you switched tenses a few times, just be careful of that.
What needs work:
The plot is very good, and I want to keep reading, but I couldn't picture the setting or any place were she was. When she is at the farm, her house, traveling, and meeting other vampires, maybe take some time to describe the surroundings. I think that will help people connect more with what is going on. Otherwise, things happen to fast if there is no set-up.
Thank you for the read, and for putting your writing out for people to see. I liked this. All of my suggestions are just that, suggestions, and you don't have to listen to them because you're the author.
What popped out at me:
The ability to make it all rhyme and work. This poem could have taken a wrong turn, but it turned out very well.
I also really liked stanzas 1-5 and 12-17. They all worked together and I didn't catch any missing beats. I read this outloud and I don't think those stanzas could have been any better.
What needed changes:
"If you don't like the way I cook
Or even the way I clean,"
The even in this sentence stands out. It adds an extra beat and puts stress on the first half of the phrase. If it was me, I would remove the "even" and put a that after "way."---Or the way that I clean---
"A small kiss
A hug here and there.
Run your fingers
Through my hair."
This stanza was smaller than the others and changed the rhythm. I think it just needs more words.
"Passion can't be one sided,
It creates heart-ache."
In this stanza the only thing I saw was the second line. It might be better if you added an "a" after creates.
"Snuggle with me,
Hold me tight.
Pop into bed with me sometimes,
In the middle of the night. "
Finally, this stanza just was very different from the rest. The first two lines were short and then the third line had a "sometimes" and it jumped out of the phrase. The 4th line was fine.
Minor tweaking:
I'l understand-- just another "l" in the I'll
I can get an opperation-- Erase one "p" in operation
Overall:
This poem was a good read, and thank you for sharing. Remember, these are all in my humble opinion, and it is always differently read depending on the person. Thanks again and keep writing!
What I liked: The plotline.
You've already got me hooked. I'm definitely going to go read the other chapters right now.
What could be improved: The spacing.
It does jump around between current and past events. By spacing it out and/or putting symbols between spots it could really help.
More specifically:
"Walking her out to the truck he lifted her in with ease and kissed her cheek, a thank you of sorts but also a wanting of more.
Stormy seemed to attract arguments like honeybees, this argument was on going between friends, embroiled in a stand off with her friend Rachel who was against her using the internet to date instead of breaking down and telling the man she loved how she felt."
This part really caught me. I was confused and had to go back to figure out where Rachel came in.
Overall: Wonderful plot, can't wait to read the rest! Spacing is just a clerical thing.
I really like this poem! I truly comes across how strong and independent you are and you want to be/are that constant person. I expecially like the line...
"A survivor of lifes storms that have waged against me in times"
I like the story but there are some punctuation problems...
- Through out the story Rowan's is spelled Rowans. There are a few times where you need apostrophes.
- The last paragraph, it says, "back of candy", I'm pretty sure you meant bag of candy.
- The second to last black paragraph there are some comma issues. The sentence, "Then Nana welcomed the guardians of nature the Earth Air Fire and Water guardians," you need to insert commas after those elements.
I didn't spend to much time with punctuation. I just noticed some big mistakes. Other then that I like that...
- There is a nice and consistant plot.
- The portayal of Rowan when she goes trick or treating for the first time.
Great job! Stay writing!
Peace, love, and happiness,
Ria :D
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