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31 Public Reviews Given
40 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Mr. Prendergast  Open in new Window.
Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Put Your Best Foot Forward Par...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Jakrebs Author IconMail Icon. This is a review as part of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Since the whole point of this contest is publication, I have been far more nit-picky of things than I would be normally; I hope these critiques will help you improve those areas and get into the magazine. I have never made a review quite like this one, listing out paragraphs and taking notes while I read it. I think you have a really good story here so I expect you will.

*Binoculars* General Impressions: Good story. Throwback piece, reminiscent of movies from the 1940s. Like the James Stewart movie "Harvey"; intriguing. A character study about a man who sees an invisible "friend", and the price he must pay to positively affect people, including those he does not know. It was unfortunate your previous reviewers complained about the narrator's use of language so much so you had to make a comment about it. I thought it was great. I considered it a piece of dialog, which a reviewer should just about never complain about use of words; if they are improper that is because the character made them improper.

*Delight* My Favorite: I like the use of language of the narrator. Yes, at times it can be a little rough to read, but it paints a good portrait. One thing I struggled with was the era this story was being told --- it reminded me a lot of movies from the 1930s and 1940s, but there were some contemporary references that broke that, such as television and SuperBowl. Other than that, the story could take place in any era.

*Gear* Technical Issues:

Paragraph 2, 12, 13, 29: OK should be written as "okay" --- per professional editor who made the same comment to me once.
Paragraph 3: Improper use of comma. Phrase: "pretty, big balls" --- that indicates his big balls are pretty (yuck, not what you meant!) "pretty" in this case modifies "big", hence no comma. Comma is only called for when both adjectives modify the same word, such as "tremendous, huge balls"
Paragraph 16: "to a T" should be "to a tee"
Paragraph 20: Repeated word in this phrase: "from stopping of of those people from dying" (I do that all the time). I guess you meant "stopping all of those people"?
Paragraph 29: Wrong word in this phrase: "You could tell she wasn’t none to hot about this idea" --- it should be "too hot"
3rd to last paragraph (lost count!): This phrase ("You're not I’m the only one who can pay something to make things better for other people.") seems to have an unintentional <I'm> in it, 3rd word.

*Anchor* Style Notes:

Paragraph 2: "bitching" doesn't seem to fit with use of language. Although it is a good word, the ease he uses it seems so modern. Suggestions: "squawking" or "griping" or "bellyaching"
Paragraph 13: This line ("You see Mr. Prendergasts had asked me to...What’s that?") I had to read a couple of time to understand what it meant. I figured it out, but if you were to drop the "to" the meaning of the sentence would stay intact and be less confusing.
Paragraph 34: The kid's name (Brian" just appears out of nowhere. Suggestion: When first introducing the character make reference to his name. Probably should do that with Linda as well.

*Idea* Suggestions: Fix those minor technical issues, and consider the style issues. Also, I am a little challenged to understand the narrator's motivation for sacrificing pieces of himself to do these good deeds. It may have just been too subtle for the likes of me; there were references to feeling better and his son doing well, but he (narrator) was a belligerent, unsympathetic character for the most part and it seemed his willingness to pay the price was too easy. You could add another of the narrator's little stories where he didn't do what Pendergast wanted and the consequences he suffered that motivated him to do the good deeds; or maybe Pendergast had a more subtle approach where he gifted the narrator with feeling better and then yanked it away. The character of Pendergast is mysterious - was he guardian angel or the devil or some mix? He staying mysterious gives lots of latitude what the character could do. Also, after his son sacrifices himself, it could be a turning point for the narrator to want to do the good deeds --- he seemed to not want to do them (complaining about the numbskulls in CO for example). That would make him a sympathetic character at the end.

*Thought* Final Thoughts: Good piece. I have had chronic writer's block lately and not wanting to do anything related to writing, but your story was a delight and drew me in. I enjoyed it immensely and can understand why it has a good rating thus far.
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Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings Barry52 Author IconMail Icon, I was browsing the items in the "Please Review" Open in new Window. and came across your story and felt compelled to write a review.

*Binoculars* General Impressions: It was a story about a man running from a monster in the woods, where he finds a mysterious path to a cabin that was spatially transcendental with a curious woman inside. Intriguing from the first few words.

*Delight* My Favorite: I am not sure if this was intentional, but kudos to you either way. The tone and "voice" was vintage, like I was reading a book from the 19th century. That created some intrigue and dated the setting of the story.

*Gear* Technical Issues: If this was a vintage piece, I was confused why Henry never had seen anyone roll a cigarette before; that suggested a modern man (although I used to work with a guy who rolled his own --- the stained fingers was a good "show" on that). If he was a modern man, his narrative voice should also be that way.

*Idea* Suggestions: Running through the woods, chased by an unidentified powerful beast, is the height of human terror. As such, I think all the senses would be at their most sensitive. I would suggest you include as much sensory descriptions as possible; sight, sound, touch, taste, sight. The crunching of leaves, the smell of damp moss, the burning of his muscles as he ran, the taste of the musky air or sweat that rolled down his face onto his lips, etc. That would bring the reader right into the plight of your protagonist.

Also, unless you are truly going for that vintage feel, I would avoid using the word "feel" in any of its formed unless describing a tactile sensation or a physical touch (or maybe even "he felt eyes upon him" which in a way would be a touch). It is a show vs. tell issue, and using the word feel to describe the characters emotions is definitely a tell.

*Thought* Final Thoughts: I love stories about running through the woods. There is something primal about being alone there, out of one's element, in other creature's domain. I have written many scenes like that so it is close to my heart. You have an excellent beginning here.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Five Golden Rings  Open in new Window.
Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings! As part of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest, I have a review for you. I am sure all these reviews are quite overwhelming. Once I had advertised and offered GPs for reviews, as well as the plug page (this was before the changes in the Review Request system). It certainly got my story a lot of attention and it was overwhelming, so if that is how you are feeling with all these reviews, I can sympathize. Hopefully you can find something useful in them.

*Binoculars* General Impressions: It was sweet and emotional and involved family and children. The poor mother was abandoned by her husband and not only had to take care of all the kids for the weekend, but clean the house as well. Men! But he left a nice surprise and had the children conspire with him to make it happen. This was an entirely sweet premise but as far as the story went, I didn't buy it for several reasons:

1 - Are there really jobs out there that require weekend mandatory holiday celebrations? I have heard of some that are an evening, but an entire weekend? I understand that is required to move the plot forward, but you lost me in the first paragraph.

2 - What are all these rings? I have never heard of a diaper and dentist ring.

3 - Conspiracies take great care and few participants. I didn't buy that each of the kids, even the very young ones, could be part of it. Humans in general cannot keep secrets and the youngest haven't developed the social skills be sufficiently deceitful, especially one they wouldn't see the payoff for. Their impatience would let the cat out of the bag.

4 - It was predictable. After the second ring, I suspected a pattern was developing and the title gave it away.

*Delight* My Favorite: Even though I am not a fan of first person narrative, it was well done. It immersed me into the misery of her weekend, the joys of taking care of children by herself, and all the cleaning tasks that she was stuck with.

*Gear* Technical Issues: None detected.

*Idea* Suggestions: Here's that list again. Sorry.

1 - Make the situation where the husband is away more feasible. These business extravaganzas are usually early in the month so they don't conflict with family activities closer the Christmas. Pick a year where Christmas was in the middle of the week, and the husband procrastinated helping out all weekend (that's believable!) and so they are down to the wire cleaning up. Maybe indicate how the parent-in-laws were ogres and judgmental about how clean the house should be. Not only does that increase the tension and stakes, but when he reports that he has to bail on her the night before for some work issue, she will be so infuriated that her mind would be clouded to the conspiracy against her.

2 - Explain what each of these rings are, and their significance to the kids --- I think that would better connect the reader with the minor characters and make for a better emotional payoff at the end.

3 - Remove all the co-conspirators except for the oldest one. Have her/him (I forget which child was oldest) always be in the room when a ring is found. This could make the mother suspicious, she could wonder with internal dialog, but is distracted by something going on with the kids, perhaps instigated by the infiltrator.

4 - Change the title, it gives away the surprise, and perhaps reincorporate the phrase into her closing thoughts about what all the rings mean to her. It was terribly cute, but perhaps the significance of the rings could be better explained. I didn't quite understand what it was, although it may have been obvious for others.

*Thought* Final Thoughts: This story was not my cup of tea, but that doesn't mean I thought it was bad. I don't! I didn't like the movie "Legend" but I thought it was well made. I thought this was a sweet, romantic story that was got its point across but the events that made it happen occurred too easily. To paraphrase Helmuth von Moltke the Elder (I am not making that name up, I wish I could think up names like that), no plan ever survives contact with the enemy. A five-part conspiracy is hard. Getting it to work would take significant effort, and everything just worked too easily. It was a good story, keep up the good work. Write On, and such.
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Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings! I stumbled upon your story and felt compelled to write a review.

*Binoculars* General Impressions: An interesting and compelling sci-fi story.

*Delight* My Favorite: I love a good twist, and the twist at the end of this piece was unexpected and a joyous thrill.

*Gear* Technical Issues: None really, except the paragraphs weren't consistent. Some were indented, whereas others weren't. You should have them be one or another. Personally, in this web-based format, no indents and a blank line works pretty well, but that of course is a personal choice. But inconsistency can be a distraction. I may have not read to the end on a less interesting piece.

*Idea* Suggestions: There were at least 3 "Earth" references. The trouble with sci-fi without human characters is there is little context for we humans to identify with. So I understand the need for the Earth references. But you might consider tricking your audience. Instead of saying "thick skin resembling an extinct Earth creature known as a Rhino" - you might consider something like "thick skin like an Vextrellian Rhinosaur". Of course, no one knows what a Vextrellian Rhinosaur is, but it gets the same point across without the Earth reference and deepens the alienness of the characters.

*Thought* Final Thoughts: Good job at the world building for this piece. It drew me in, made me interested to see what these creatures were about, and loved how they were the recipients of primitive justice. Keep up the good work!
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Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love it. There are a lot of them out there and they scare me, too. Very thoughtfully composed and well written. I liked how you listed numerous examples and how your wife dealt with them. Poor woman.
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Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This was a great argument you made. Not only was it a clever perspective, but in these litigious days where "truth" is doesn't require any facts and the court system is theater starring lawyers where the most convincing story wins, this story is completely feasible. Too bad Oz was a complete anarchy with no justice system, because a prosecutor would have had a decent shot proving the charges, especially the one of possession stolen property!
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Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is hilarious and spot on. I was hooked from the moment you rhymed "monies diverted" and "perverted". I don't expect you have any conservative fans of this poem. I don't want any transfers of wealth to occur for this review, so it's short =)
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Review of Black Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings! I came across your story from the Editor's Picks in the Fantasy newsletter and felt compelled to write a review.

*Binoculars* General Impressions: I know you wrote this a while ago, and the description stated it was an attempt at a fantasy epic and maybe you've done a lot since you made it, but it was intriguing and if you haven't actually attempted it, perhaps you should!

*Delight* My Favorite: I like how Ethenelia was a flawed goddess (elemental, or whatever) and that she suffered from one of the deadly sins as do most villains in literature.

*Gear* Technical Issues: I think maybe -lightning- was spelled wrong. Otherwise, looked good. Flowed nicely.

*Idea* Suggestions: Develop the story further.

*Thought* Final Thoughts: It would be interesting to see where you'd go with it. Maybe a redemption piece? Lots of interesting potential.
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Review of The Red Teacup  Open in new Window.
Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings! I came across your story in a contest forum and felt compelled to write a review.

*Binoculars* General Impressions: It was an intriguing mystery that ended with a murder, and whenever you can work a murder into a story, all the better!

*Delight* My Favorite: I like how I was surprised by the murder. Well done!

*Gear* Technical Issues: None.

*Idea* Suggestions: None.

*Thought* Final Thoughts: Congrats on winning the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge. Well deserved.
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Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings! I came across your story via the Random Read tool and felt compelled to write a review.

*Binoculars* General Impressions: This story was creepy, anxious, and tragic. WELL DONE!!!

*Delight* My Favorite: I liked how she texted her husband and the phone buzzed on the body of the slab. Creepy!

*Gear* Technical Issues: None.

*Idea* Suggestions: I had to wonder if the body would have been stripped of belongings such as phones at the crime scene. You might insert in there somewhere a simple explanation of the coroner's duties, which include removing and documenting any objects on the victim's person. If I had read that, even if that is not the way the real world works, it would have given me the tool to properly suspend my disbelief. But really, it was such a minor point I feel silly for even mentioning it.

*Thought* Final Thoughts: Nice and scary because it was the character's worst nightmare, and you pulled me into her world well enough that I was anxious as she fished for the cell phone. Tapping into that fear was done quite well.
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Review of Morning Gloria !  Open in new Window.
Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings! I came across your poem via the By Online Authors links and felt compelled to write a review.

*Binoculars* General Impressions: This was a clever poem and a delight. I particularly liked your clever rhyming techniques.

*Delight* My Favorite: I loved how you rhymed "funeral" with "tuna roll"!

*Gear* Technical Issues: None.

*Idea* Suggestions: None.

*Thought* Final Thoughts: I generally don't like poetry. It seems to dull my brain and I know it is a personal problem but this poem really drew me in and kept me entranced until the very end.

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Review of A Long time Ago  Open in new Window.
Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a nice little story. I liked how you brought out how Mike's confidence in his answers were shaken by some relatively simple questions.

There was a small spelling error in the 4th paragraph (should be "borders"). But besides that, it flowed pretty well and was compelling to read and was crafted well enough that I wanted to see where the conversation was going rather than scaring me away with the subject matter (personal problem I have on occasion).

Well done, and the last line made me laugh! There are no easy answers, are there?

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Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good stuff! Creepy and well written and it flowed quite well. Victimizing children is an excellent choice in horror because they almost always automatically get empathy because they are innocent, and just about everyone likes kids.

The only thing I would suggest, and this is more of a formatting thing than anything else, is to break up your paragraphs especially when two people are talking back and forth. It seems to make the text more readable. I am not sure there are any strict grammatical rules about it.

Good job! Liked it a lot. It was so sinister and evil and fun I was giggling by the end.
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Review by MrBugSir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This story was creepy, terrifying, and grotesque!

I loved every second of it. It was well written and I especially enjoyed the sweet beginning drawing me in and the colorful description of his change.
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