There's a lot of power in these words. That we must accept. After I was finished reading I went back to the first line and it simply says that teachers tell us where to sit and we accept. What I noticed missing is that parents are probably the largest force in conformity. It's not as if teachers or parents are part of a maniacal plan, but perhaps they have been brainwashed into believing that they must train children to obey.
This seems to be about obedience. Is very heavy-handed. I think that the point of this poem is that things go easier for all government and all who are in rule to have people just go along with the plan. This is a very strong and pointed opinion about our existence that some cannot argue.
I noticed the word we is used a lot. And I trust that there are a lot of people that feel this way. But some people don't. It's not that they're just willing to go along with it and say that it's fine to be pushed around by these ruling monsters. I think there is a trade-off. That the things we work for allow us to buy some of our freedom back. And I know a lot of the things that we bargain for really are minor in detail. We can't really bargain for the autonomy that would allow us to have the freedom to do whatever we want. And what would the choice leave?
I don't believe that we're lemmings and headed for a cliff. I think the human race has some value, as it is ruled by itself. But it is true that power corrupts absolutely, and there are checks and balances to appoint. But it's your one chance to live life, and I hope it's not this dire when it comes to the end. But I could see how it can feel that way to someone.
This is very clearly expressed. It's an opinion that deniably a lot of people agree with. I think you have done well to capture this feeling and the structure of this poem also lays it out in a very rigid manner. You take us from the beginning of life and bring us to the end to carry the message forward.
This is sort of a promising poem about the potential for a relationship? I was reading the description line and noticing it was about a dream about someone who became a friend. The poem seems to indicate this person is creating romantic feelings in the person speaking.
I feel like this is something I'm familiar with. There are people who I am drawn to, or was drawn to, that made me feel light and free when I was around them. I look forward to seeing them more. It Reads like a charismatic person. Very good detail describing this person in a way that shows the attraction.
This read very smoothly and had a pretty good rhyme. I wouldn't change anything I think. It's some thing I wonder about when we wake from a dream I want to write something down. Is it something that's real inside of us or just our minds creating this garbage that never comes true. Sometimes I wonder if dreams are prophetic or adjust a bunch of randomness.
To me what you've written seems very real. I don't know if this is a made up character a real person but someone who became a friend it would seem. I just wondered if it would go any further if this is dreamt maybe the dreamer actually wants to pursue something.
Never thought I'd be reading a poem about winter and snowflakes this time of year! I love the feel of this when I get the feeling I am part of what you describe, because it is what I experience when I am in the snow. What are uses is a lot of descriptive words that really show this reaction to nature and how I think it makes me feel.
I like glittering drops on heated skin, also, quick Smoky puffs, and finally whispers in Winter kisses. I also noticed the way you lay it out with the long lines in the short lines. You seem to be teasing with the feeling of that scene. Snowflakes, air, laughter, frozen and they all interconnect. It's like a quick little puzzle for the mind.
I'd say you did a really good job with this. I'm not exactly looking forward to winter. But I can look at it happily from past memories.
There was particularly good expression in here, a poem flowed with movement. A lone character described in narration seems caught in wonderment, doesn't really know what direction to move.
To me it's about going through the motions of life, waiting for inspiration. Maybe, this poem was written in the spirit of that moment. The poet self describing out of some boredom.
There is some moving words in this narrative poem about this person helping a loved one through an emotional struggle. It paints a lot of images of the two of them together in this nature setting that seems to help with the comfort. The poem also shows the strength and the knowing of the voice that holds her hand.
One thing stuck out was the word tattered. I don't think you want to mean that, but thrying to show the movement of air through hair. First line of second verse I got the expression but it caught me too. Tears fell motionless, maybe, as if? Though what if silent? Streamed silent?
Otherwise poem had depth. Meaningful for the couple.
There is a great amount of alliteration that lends to this seagulls theme. It appears you've written this poem to a particular form I don't see indicated. The intertwining of the reused lines is also helping me read these words in a way that reminds me of a birds flight. Restating words for effect helped, too. It all seems to go naturally together.
Was the last verse not supposed to rhyme in that first line? Wasn't sure of use of 'would enthrall', felt like a word missing.
I got a better appreciation of this poem once I understood what auspicious meant. Though, it did not read like the description line says this is about. But, could imagine this as logic for team oriented talk or hype of how to keep the eye on that prize..victory.
The rhyme and flow of the poem seemed fluid. The expressions blended well and leant to the overall theme. Nice write!
This seems deep. I got to say, personifying words like Misery, Despair and Sorrow kind of worked for me. Though, imagery-wise, I could not picture these as metaphors. I get more of a feeling from this short poem. You summarize all this in an experience of rejection. It's advice for a reader to not get burned while following their dreams.
The theme of loneliness is sad but true. The poem seems well choreographed to get to this conclusion of mistrust, or blind ambition, or this need for some sense of love. We all get sidetracked by those that seem worthy of trust..or could help fulfill our destiny..what that may be.
Jen
A very sad poem it seems about a father that has been away from home a long time before he finally agrees to meet and come home to his family. If I assume correctly. There is at times a tight little rhyme in here that sounds familiar with a bed time prayers. It had an effect on me to read.
There is much that cannot be known, but found this relied on imagery and perhaps the insights of one who has had time to reflect, might have some regrets. It feels like end of days, before age and time runs out.
I come here to discover your poem and see 'perpetuity' used in description. So much potential to discover what you convey but did not apply that word in poem to fully show what you intended. Its interesting because it's not used often outside of fiscal or law and wanted to see how you would mean.
What I did find are a lot of ten dollar words that have a bunch of meaning. I'm just drawn to the clouds and the vision that inspired this poem and this person in full reflection with words brighter than the sun. Really overwhelming.
I like the expressions and the attempt to capture feeling. The opening shadows that ending. Hard to capture such beauty.
Congratulations on the placement in the poetry contest for this poem. There were interesting word choices. The poem could use improvement.
The open verse caught my attention. The poem both wants to tell and show. Maybe, you could take your time with setting it up.
Use either carpet or grass to describe frosty. Tease and move to unforgiving. Then stop and go to the next scene and so on.
How does air flatter lungs? Sounds misinformed there. I can almost smell -- it was nice. You put it on a stand alone line. I drink in the air at that moment, cleanse my mind. But, I need proper setting so I can fully enjoy it.
This needs work and more expertise. It can be good.
I really enjoyed the feel of this poem about winter. It really had me envisioned this nature woman with frost white hair. Didn't totally get the feeling of the poem. It's the one poem I read where I think punctuation gets in the way.
I liked the pace of the read with short lines and impactful description. The ending scene was nice and put me there. It was good.
I liked the simplicity of this poem and the direct relating of feeling. It seems honest and may need a little direction to be truly informed.
The hook in your poem lays out well. Orange stained leaves is a good way to express, but is it accurate? How do leaves get that way I wonder.p? It stops me to think. Using 'goes' was not strong. The next two lines might trouble more:
Birds all fly in the same direction? Geese maybe, but that's not what I saw or see, and it confuses. Even though, it's generally right. These are small obstacles.
The cold wind comes from the west? My mother talks like that when she's reading from a Farmer's Almanac. Remember poetry is what you write. Just takes a little more showing to connect to some spirit or muse, as they used to say.
This poem has possibility. I think you should give it more attention. Keep those things in there that make it special so it can sing more the narrators feelings
I like what you convey in words in your first haiku. Gypsy bloom was nice. Surprised by she celebrates doom, but it's an expression with a dramatic conclusion about autumn.
Maybe try a stronger word than lost in first line, as a suggested improvement? Also, I think an easy fix for line two is remove those ess sounds on 'sings songs' and ess to wind...winds sing songs ...
Who celebrates doom is a big question. Who can this infer? Maybe, a revision could place an object to focus on.
This poem was brief and rhymed well without a clutter but had some flaws. Apostrophes on nouns weren't necessary. It speeds through the seasons rather than reflect on them. You could be in spring and stay there. Odd word choice with doom in first couplet.
The heat comes shining down didn't feel accurate, but not entirely bad as an expression. You tell but use words that describe. I felt this poem came close to connecting to nature and conveying to a reader. It just needs more experience discovering with more seasoned writing. Pun partly intended.
I liked the visual ability of your poem that gave me feelings of the poet or narrator describing the effect of nature. This person seems trapped by darkness and associates with night, even when a sunrise shown as blissful would greet anyone else more cheerfully.
There are some grammar problems in second verse that could be fixed that tripped me up, like the errant word 'that' which didn't need to be in first line.
Italics is nice for emotion, but for a whole poem..might be too much. I suggest punction to help a reader know what thoughts connect or separate. Beautiful language.
Weird that I got done with this thinking it rhymed. You skillfully got that past me. The middle verse was my favorite. The opening to this poem was plain and served a purpose but wasn't an eye opener. The last verse made me feel it needed to tie up better.
It was vague and not knowable what these dreams were about. I like to see more. Readers like me probably could enjoy dream analysis. You commonly state a problem that makes me wonder about lifestyle from stress, abuse to guilt and what you eat or experience during the day.
This poem reminds me how much I miss going to church. It also reminds me of the wonders of heaven and what the afterlife will be like. This poem seems hopeful of the promises of seeing God for the first time when a person arrives. But it's sort of a negates it when you write that he would be unapproachable. And maybe you didn't mean it that way, but that he feels unapproachable from earth? I like the stanzas and the brevity and how do you get to the point and the praises at the end. Maybe use the word "it" less , use only to introduce the stanzas rather than repeated within the stanzas. Otherwise nice job!
I'm wondering if this poem was inspired by a dream and you woke up and wrote all these feelings down. I think this is about putting a girl on a pedestal. It also feels a bit stalkery like he witnesses from afar.
There are a lot of great expressions, words we long to hear from a guy, if he's the one we want attention from. This makes the voice sound more needy than self-assured. It's hard to come off somewhere between that and arrogant.
This poem could use some editing and structure. It rambles a bit but it has a good heart, just needs a little focus.
I found this poem very aggressively chastising another for not being there or not following through. It reminds me about expectations from others. Friends who depend on each other this much might be co-depedent. It made me think the person writing this exposed the self as the villain for lashing out at someone who may have backed off because of anger or need issues? Hope it was intended that way. Don't mean to insult thi writer of this.
Typo: hide or Hyde? I might be wrong.
Rhyme: used often but did not follow pattern
Imagery: lacking
Narrative: intense and misleading (maybe good thing)
Does telling someone off in rhyme have more impact? Creative outlet? Maybe, it's rap?
This poem shined at moments with a great emotional push, with some imagery at the end that could have been used more frequently between the lines.
You represent some strong feelings but not without much the reader can concretely envision until I get to those last two stanzas. And then I thought, why not introduce that second to the last stanza at the beginning. Then, you can give the reader something to visually fixate on while they read the words. Then, the poem can come to a more revealing conclusion.
Such a range of emotions with this poem and enjoyed the great contrast between the poppies and the images of the fallout of war. The rhyme scheme and form of this poem is very tight and made for a smooth read. I think the only thing that threw me were a few of the transitions between stanzas. The first few worked but then the others were like fragmented thoughts that didn't tie in. But overall, very well done.
I liked your poem and the analogy you build but I can't help thinking ... without the catepillar there is no butterfly. Not that it diminishes what you portray ... But couldn't it be about the evolution from the catepillar to the butterfly that would make a better ending to our story. Because we cannot cast out the infidels ... caterpillars ... we could however teach all the world to become beautiful butterflies?
The poem is still wonderful and you write really well.
I very much enjoyed your imagery. It is a beautiful description of a fall sunset. I almost feel like the second and third stanzas could be interchanged however, since I would see the day as the briliant orange and blazing garden before it reaches the point of "dark silhouettes" in the sky. I am also a bit distracted from the beauty by your use of "gloom" in the third stanza. I liked "grim" as it was a perfect fit for dusk, but "gloom" seemed to be a bit out of place for this portion. Overall I really enjoyed your quatern.
Jen
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