This was a very provoking poem for me. Your word choice was felt like sounds as well as read as words. I do, however, have a thought or two for your consideration. I wonder if it might be more engaging to combine the stanzas in to two (rather than four) in order to reduce the repetition slightly so that the reader doesn't become "bored". Also, I wonder about rhyming in this piece. The first and third stanzas do not have a rhyming pair and the second and fourth do. It appears to be intentional, however, I wonder if it may work to create rhymes in all four stanzas. These are merely my wonderings and musings. Thank you for this very enticing piece.
I thought this was very clever. I have that feeling daily. In fact, I can't seem to sit at my desk and write. The inspiration only comes when I'm doing something (and usually without pen and paper). So, I felt very connected to this piece.
The only suggestion I have (which isn't really a suggestion) is that the rhyming pattern did one of two things for me; the first read through it felt a little unconnected because of the rhyming, but on a second read I felt that it kept me on my toes. So, I think, ultimately I couldn't become complaisant with the poem, but I'm not sure that I could be completely comfortable with it either.
These are just my own feelings, but this is a fantastic poem for all readers and writers.
This is a great piece. I have an affinity for Arthurian literature myself and this hit home with me. I had just one comment and a couple of editing corrections for you.
I would like to hear more about the climb down through the outcroppings to the lake. What was the trail like? What was the view like? Did they walk quietly or did they converse? If so, what did they talk about? What were they thinking? Did anyone have any annoying habits?
"Answer before I’ve forced back" - "I'm"
Llyn Llydaw no longer was a muddy brown and smelling of rotten trash. - the "a" should be removed.
Thank you for your writing. I thoroughly enjoyed and would like to see it continued. Good luck
Wow! I realize this was a prompt with limitations (such as length), but I really want to know the back story or what happens next.
You've done a great job, within the word limit, to give us everything the reader needs to know for this particular scene. You've also managed to do something (quite effortlessly it seems) that some people struggle with in a much longer piece. You've hooked the reader (or at least you've got me dangling on a hook). I have no suggestions except that I would like to read more of this. Keep up the great work!
This poem is excellent! It is so well written. I can't think of any suggestions I have for it. The last line of each stanza are "power lines" in themselves, but to have 3 in the same poem adds a punch to the whole poem. Very nice job, and thank you for sharing.
These are great snapshots for your reader to join in. It makes me feel like I'm standing in the rain across the street watching this all take place. The rain, like sorrow, runs over my eyes as I stand. You have managed to make the reader a part of the story without them ever being there. Nice job. I think that there are a few places where the rhythm could be adjusted but that is simply my preference.
"And to think this could be the last day of all time -" What an incredible first line!
" spent it dark and stuck on myself/ happiness shone" I'm confused by these two lines. You used "dark" and "happiness shone" in the same sentence without a feeling comparison or contradiction, yet they are contradictions and it feels like one is out of place.
"as the raindrop does its" I would consider taking out "its".
Nice job.
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