Hi Voxxylady,
I like this. It really set a picture in my mind and it has my curiosity piqued. I like Evan and I like Duncan. You did an excellent job of making them believable and different from each other. I found it a little hard to keep straight who 'he' was some of the time. i would consider finding every instance you used he and making sure that it is very obvious who you are referring to. The last thing you want is to confuse your reader.
Keep us the great work.
To be honest, I am not sure if you are serious or kidding.
I found it very funny and entertaining, however very confusing. Perhaps that is what you are going for listing it as nonsense. If that is your plan, then perhaps you might consider shortening some of your sentences. They are long and cumbersome. For example:
He guessed he had done it to keep his suspicions on a low key, so that no one in that place would suspect that he suspected what they were up to; even though he didn’t, just like he didn’t have a clue who he was talking to, or that there was absolutely nothing in the cup he was holding, or that there was no cup at all.
I assume you are trying to give us the impression that nicholas/dean is confused. You have but you also set the reader up to be confused as well. Better word choice would allow the impression to be made without the reader having to reread the sentence over several times. That doesn't just confuse the reader - it frustrates him and he closes the book. Aim for sharper, more consise sentences.
Greetings Sum1.
First thing about your story is it's creativity. I had no idea where you were going to take me. It is a very interesting topic choice. I know nothing about hunting so the beginning sentences dragged me down a little. Perhaps you may want to write it a little differently in order to allow for the less experienced to follow. Perhaps you don't.
I enjoyed the banter back and forth between the voice and George. It is a little unclear how many voices he is hearing though.
Here are a couple of suggestions I thought to make:
1. I found the tense frustrating. It made your sentences boring. For example: George had gone - (went - or even better if you put some feeling behind it - "loved") deer hunting for several years, yet had never - (bagged) managed to bag his goal, a ten point buck. His usual take home was a young button buck, sometimes a doe, but only when using a doe permit. (this last add-on seems clumsy and distracting- is it necessary?) This year he vowed it would be different; he planned to bag his goal. (Same with this last part - after the comma - seems redundant.)
Through out the whole section you use a lot of "had" or "had been" which bogs the action down. Try writing it in present tense just as an exercise to see if it lightens everything up. Makes it pop a bit more.
2. On the second last sentence you use the pronoun "he" - are you referring to the doctor? I had to reread the sentence a few times to be sure.
3. You type "The voices were in his head spoke softly; someone standing next to him would not have heard them" There seems to be an extra word in there. I don't think you need "were".
Is this the whole of what you've written or is it the beginning of a longer piece? I can see how it could almost stand alone, but I would like to know more about the animals and talking trees and are they good or evil? They seem to want to torment George's kind, or are they just making a point that they have feelings too?
Thanks for sharing it Sum1. I hope you create more works using your creative ideas.
To Bait a Mouse sounds very interesting so far. I find the premise of the story has a lot of merit and it peaks my curiosity.
May I make a few suggestions?
1. I have read many times that all tags after quotes should be simply said. (Or as many as you can.) Most of the time our characters words imply enough. So for instance, your first spoken words of the father are tagged with "my father told me." I think you can say "my father said" or "said my father". This can follow throughout. (The comments of the mother towards the end - asked, explained.)
2. The things happening in the plot are exciting and tragic, yet your language seems weak and slow moving. Use more description. Use short sentences to move the action parts. You are just telling the story as if I am sitting beside you on a bus bench. I want you to show me in my minds eye what you see.
3. More information would help the reader to place Cristyn into a context. Is she telling the story as a six year old? It sounds from the first sentence that she is looking back and retelling it. If that is the case, then you could say something like "It all began nineteen years ago during the rainy summer of 1692. I was six."
Keep working at this work of fiction. I can see it going places. I really want to find out why Kit was murdered in cold blood inside a church.
Good luck!
Mountains
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