Well, I don't know if my review will reach the 'brutal' height you're looking for, but I will offer what I can in the way of advice. Incidentally, I don't know a good agent, as I am in the process of getting through the halfway point of my book, and as such, will be on the hunt for an agent myself.
So let's get to it...
[I couldn’t help but notice how unresponsive the woman was as the guy kissed her neck. Her face was hidden from view but her arms simply lay limp against her sides. To think some people can be so ungrateful! What I wouldn’t give to be in her position.]
This is good, it's very good, but, (yes I threw a 'but' in there) might I make a suggestion? Personally, I like to throw curve balls at the reader, to keep them on their toes. Instead of getting right into the vampire biting, give the reader a phantom bite.
Here's what I mean:
<I couldn’t help but notice how unresponsive the woman was as the guy kissed her neck. Her face was hidden from view but her arms simply lay limp against her sides. I could hear his soft moan slowly turn more animal as he worked his way up her neck. What is he doing? What a freak.
Suddenly the woman shrugged him off, slapped him, and told him to "grow up" in that snobby, contemptuous tone some women use when they've had just about all they can stand.
Geez, I thought, catching a quick glimpse of the hurt-puppy look on his face, that was a bit harsh.>
The idea I want to convey with this little edit is that it can be fun to mess with the reader by making them think "Oh, he's a vampire! I got yah!" and then it turns out to be the opposite. In a way, this keeps the reader wondering, and always guessing. "Is this a vampire? No. What about this guy? Nope. Darn it! Which one is the vampire already!" And this is when you spring the real deal on the reader, but do so in a way that makes the reader go, "What?! Where?! How?!"
In regards to the dialogue, I was surprised when at first I noticed there was no: he said, she said. I get dialogue, which is then followed by thought or action. It's okay to use 'said,' in case you were afraid of overusing it. Sometimes it can help the flow of the reading to use 'said' in conjunction with action and/or thought.
Examples:
“Lovely night isn’t it?” he said, in a soft and low voice.
If I hadn’t known any better, I would have thought he was talking to someone else.
“I’m not a big fan of the dark, that’s all,” I said, trying to sound sarcastic. But the nervousness in my tone only made it come out whiny.
“Well," he said, coming to a stop, "as much as I'd love to walk you home, this is where we part.”
I stopped to look at him, to catch a glimpse of his face, but was blinded by the street light behind him. Typical.
These are just a few quick examples that came to mind as I started reading. Regarding your concern about dialogue, that's something best left to the individual to figure out. Seeing as this is taking place today, I would stray a little from the following:
'would have'
'should not'
'I would'
'you will'
'I am'
Example: "I have had a hard time of it, and I will not do what it is you want."
Not a lot of people talk like this, and yet, most writers write dialogue along these very lines.
Instead: "I've had a hard time lately, and there's a small chance of me doing that."
The best way to create good dialogue is to make it sound familiar, relaxed, and natural. "I'd" sounds more natural to the ear than "I would."
Most people say: "I wouldn't do that." versus "I would not do that."
And you can add personality to the character through dialogue by adding bits here and there.
Example: "I wouldn't do that, fella." "I wouldn't even try it, shrimp." "Don't think about it, don't even turn around!"
They all have the same meaning, just different ways of expressing it. These are the things that can help make characters individual.
["You do look like you’re in a hurry and if I may say so; you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” His statement quickly reminded me of my minor encounter and I thought I detected some slight humour in his voice.]
Just a little grammar thing I wanted to bring up, since I've seen it pop up a bit. You can use a comma when dividing parts of dialogue, instead of a semi-colon.
<"You do look like you're in a hurry, and if I may say so, you look like you've seen a ghost," he said, with some humor in his voice.
His statement quickly reminded me of my encounter with the red-lipped guy on the bench.>
With this version we put the tone of the dialogue 'with' the dialogue, and then separate her thoughts from it. This can help clean up the scene, so the reader knows whose words, thoughts, and actions go to what character. (This is incredibly helpful for when you have multiple characters in a single scene.)
[I was a fairly plain Jane where looks where concerned.]
And...? What makes her a fairly plain Jane? Is she homely? Does she have acne so bad she's a topography map of northwestern China? Does she have dry/oily hair? Does she have a hair lip? Is she balding?
My point is: you 'tell' us she feels plain, but you don't 'show' us much. Granted you don't have to give a Dating.com description (she was 6 feet, brown eyes, tanned, athletic, and slow), but a few details, either directly, or through dialogue, helps portray a clearer picture.
[“You’ve got guts.” He sat across from me with a poker face. I couldn’t tell if what he was saying was a compliment or a reprimand. I wasn’t in the mood for talking so I started packing my books.
“Sorry, I’ve got some catching up to do.” It’s not as if he was going to ask me out! I almost blushed at that thought.]
Here I see another area of 'said' potentional.
Example:
<"You've got guts," he said, sitting across from me with a cool poker face.
I couldn't tell if what he was saying was a complitment or not, but either way, I wan't in the mood for talking.
"Sorry, I've got some catching up to do," I replied, busily stuffing my books in my backpack.
Why should I have anything to say to him, I thought? It’s not as if he was going to ask me out! The idea of it almost made me blush, and that was definately 'not' something I wanted him to see.>
I wanted to get across the idea of how 'said' can help make dialogue flow a little better with the action. Naturally, you can do it both ways.
"Wait just a minute, pal," she said, crossing her arms in defiance. "Where do you come off saying that?"
or
"Wait just a minute, pal." She crossed her arms defiantely. "Where do you come off saying that?"
Either way works, but it helps to mix them up, instead of sticking with just one. Variety, it's the sweetest fruit of life! However, the biggest difference is how much you want to emphasis the action. By making the action totally separate it draws more attention to it. So something like sitting, or talking, or waving a hand, etc., are not really BIG things that need direct attention, unless it serves a greater importance.
Example:
"Waaazzz up man?" He sat down. "I'm stoked."
"Waaazzz up man?" he said, sitting down. "I'm stoked."
Read these two out loud. Literally. Your ears will tell you the difference. The first sentence has a very different rhythm to it when compared to the second sentence. To me, the first sentence feels too rigid, too choppy. The second sentence, however, has a much more natural flow. My eyes glide across them. Believe it or not, periods are harsher to the eyes and rhythm than commas.
Example:
<He sat down. He crossed his legs. He took out a cigarette.>
or
<He sat down, crossed his legs, and took out a cigarette.>
There's a difference in flow, and this can sometimes make or break your writing. For me, I prefer writing that has a cadence, and become very hesitant to read something that is a barrage of rapid-fire short sentences.
[He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. I snapped out of my trance and gave him a slow nod. It was an interesting thing to see and if I wasn’t feeling shocked at his offer, I might have burst out laughing.]
Again, separate his actions or thoughts from hers.
<He cleared his throat and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.
I snapped out of my trance and gave him a slow nod. It was an thing to see, and if I wasn't feeling shocked at his offer, I might have burst out laughing.>
Note how I moved the adjective 'sheepishly.' The reason for this is, again, flow. Read the sentence aloud, and see if you can catch my meaning.
He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
He cleared his throat and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.
It's slight, but your ears will tell you, "Yes, I hear it! It's difference!" That's the whole cadence/rhythm thing. The beauty of it is that once you begin to get a feel for that rhythm, your writing starts to have a natural flow. Furthermore, when you start to get more comfortable with it, you get your OWN flow. For example, when you listen to a certain music band, you find yourself saying, "I know who that is. They have their own sound." Writing is exactly the same. The hard part is finding that personal sound.
[Anyone could have clearly seen the relief written all over his face accompanied by a huge smile. I was totally enraptured by it that I didn’t notice him taking my bag.]
This stood out when I read it. I like it! A lot! The description and the flow is very good. (I know, you're going to be sick of hearing the words rhythm and flow by the time you finish reading this review.)
[My feet froze and I took a sharp intake of breath.]
This sounds like a medical report. Keep it natural.
<My feet froze. I took a sharp breath.>
or
<My feet froze as I took a sharp breath.>
'Intake' only becomes bloat that makes the sentence fat. Trim that word fat!
[“Well it’s a bit difficult to ignore the two of you whenever you’re together. You look like a Hollywood couple.” I regretted the words instantly. I felt my face flush. Eric simply chuckled.]
Great stuff! For me, this is what I love to see when I read something. Dialogue mixed with subtle action. Just remember to separate actions belonging to other characters.
<"Well it's a bit difficult to ignore the two of you whenever you're together," I said. "You look like a Hollywood couple."
I regretted my last words instantly, and felt my face flush.
Eric simply chuckled.>
Now, granted, I did something a litle different. I made her thoughts and face flushing separate from her dialogue. The reason behind this is I wanted to emphasis her thoughts and reaction. If I'd put it right after the dialogue it might not have gotten the sole attention I wanted it to. But the choice is completely up to the author.
[I hated that I made him so uncomfortable but at the moment I was just a fish out of water. The most I had ever had in terms of conversation with a guy was when someone asked for a reference book from the library. Sitting in a cafe with this young Johnny Depp was more than I could ever have hoped for.]
There's a ton of great description in here, and I really enjoy how you continually put in her thoughts and reactions to everything she says and does, or to things other people say or do. It helps immensely in bringing real life to the character. You adhere perfectly to the cardinal rule of writing: show, don't tell.
You show everything!
CONCLUSION!
Overall this a nice start to what appears to be a case of 'unknown girl falls for and gets involved with the vampire hotty.' The interesting part will be the direction you take with your characters. The biggest thing I would say that needs work is the orgaization of the character's dialogue and action, per the examples I offered. Other than that, the story's beginning is solid, the character's are vibrant, especially Gabriella. Please keep injecting her thoughts and attitude the events around her. They're perfect!
Well, I hope this review helps some, and I hope Gabriella doesn't get in over her head. : ) |
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