I understand your thought behind this story. I also like how at the end we find out it's a dream.
My suggestions are:
When someone is "speaking" or "thinking" start a new line. For instance; When Mum replied in a very relaxed manner. Start a new line after that.
Also, use your >" "< For when someone is speaking. It makes for clearer reading. They offer some free classes on WDC - if you need help with certain technical writing things there are resources out there.
Show me how the character feels! You explain how she cries etc. but I have no clear feelings for how she is feeling. As your reader I want to feel how she feels - I want my stomach to plummet into my shoes and my heart to throb painfully in my throat. Don't just tell me, SHOW ME!
I think with a little bit of work this piece has potential.
Wow... I adore the idea behind your story. I mean how many times have we all contemplated how it all happened. To be honest, I try not to think on it too much or I get slightly obsessional but Wow... The idea and the thought that must have been put into it has really impressed me. Very, very good job!
Technicalities: Your dialogue was good - but with correct spacing in certain parts of it would have made it very good.
Character Development: Like I mentioned, a whole tonne of thought went into this. He had a background and now, I guess a future? You really need to pick a point of view as well. The you and I confused me a bit but maybe that is just me, you can take that with a grain of salt really. Perhaps the You and I are one and the same?
>> Every act of kindness you've dont, you've dont to yourself<< Not don't - You've done. If you print it out and go over your spelling and grammar it will make it an awesome story.
Keep churning out things like this, Mr. Author and you may well become one of my favourites!
I'm going to be honest here, I read the first few paragraphs but quickly descended into boredom, I had to force myself to read it because it felt too much like work.
You need to get into the action more quickly. I have this problem myself, so what I've done to remedy it is instead of starting big - I start small. With a short fantasy story you're forced to enter the action much more quickly.
I am rather impressed with your character development. The typical non-believing Mother is a problem most teenagers have and the daughter that knows the truth but can't be believed - very frustrating indeed!
Another thing I've heard mention is - try not to use capital letters in your story - even when your character "screams". You can get whatever point you need to get across with italics or even underline. Caps really distract from other paragraphs - you find yourself drawn to them in the story.
Your descriptives are good - but not great. I want to feel Reis fright as if it is my own, rather then seeing the utter fear in her eyes I want to feel the sweat breaking out on her skin, the thud of her heart as it attempts to escape from its cavity - her sheer frustration at her Mother as it bubbles beneath her skin at not being believed.
Show me this and I think I'll really get into this story.
Thank you for allowing me to read and review this.
Okay, I feel pressure writing this review because I can feel the pain that you're going through.
A brutally honest, heart-wrenching piece that is a view into someones pain. I honestly didn't think I'd read on past the first chapter but then I was drawn in at twelve.
I'm not sure if you're serious about writing, I get the feeling that this was just a way to get your thoughts and feelings out into the world.
But
If you are serious, I have some advice for you.
While this piece spoke to me - your grammar needs some work.{color:green}"Wow this was cool."{color:green}Wow, this was cool. It also happens a few more times during the piece. If this is a first draft then I would suggest perhaps printing it out, going over it thoroughly and making any corrections you think you need to. I find when I'm writing I make A LOT of errors during the first draft - then after I print it out - once it is in a hard copy form suddenly they all become clear.
Also, in the first paragraph you started with {color:green}'I was ten'{color:green} Which is good - then it seemed in the following chapters you started to get lazy and used numbers instead of words.
I understand this piece is something close to your heart, something that has plagued you for many years, and I hope that I haven't come across as too critical. I'm currently working on a piece that is very close to my heart and I truly do understand how emotionally draining and difficult doing something like this can be.
Please continue to write, the power of word is phenomenal - particularly when it is something you, yourself have written. I suspect when you have overcome this addiction (You will!) the written word will be something that can help you.
Okay, since you mentioned in the beginning that you weren't sure whether this is just ramblings or an article I wasn't sure what to expect.
It ended up being a little bit disjointed. Let me explain - You jumped from the second paragraph into 'I realized I stared at people also.' It confused me a little bit - You may be able to improve on this paragraph beginning by saying something along the lines of 'I came to the realisation that I too stared at people.'
Something else to watch out for is abbreviating. Rather then using Dr.s - Actually say 'Doctors' It's too easy to slip into the habit of 'Text speak' I guess I'm trying to say. If it's not still a work in progress, print out your work and cast a critical eye over it.
Article or ramble - the thought behind it is inspiring. It provokes thought - Perhaps the person that is in that car is having a terrible day? Maybe they just lost a loved one. We live our lives in a little bubble where we don't notice people around us. We think that we are the only ones with problems - or at the other end of the spectrum - the only ones who have had a wonderful day. I've worked in customer service before and have been berated by members of the public, and rather then stopping to think that this person may have been having a terrible day, I've instead been resentful of them.
A thought provoking piece. I thank you for this.
Inspiring us all to be thoughtful of the beings that share the world around us!
I liked the beginning. I enjoy it when an author places a question to their reader. It makes me feel included, like you, the author has thought of me as I read your work.
I felt sorry for your character? His? Pain that he felt. Not feeling like he was good enough for her, then at the end, I guess discovering that it doesn't matter after all - She loves him for him.
->Looking into my eyes, you give it a compassionate kiss. <- That sentence in paragraph four didn't QUITE twig with me. The use of 'compassionate' sounded wrong. Perhaps - 'The look in your eyes was one of compassion as you placed a kiss upon my hand' or something similar - Just playing around with it.
I do however enjoy the feeling that you were trying to convey with this piece, it's tender and heartfelt. The kind of way I suppose love would be viewed from an outsider - Also, you created what every girl wants :D Being the one to convert the 'bad' guy.
I adore cats, on an RPG site my character is a petulant and Godlike kitty just like Jeoffrey. This made me laugh a lot! I can see why the guy that actually believed his cat Jeoffrey was God came to that conclusion.
If you've ever owned a cat you know exactly that cats think they are God.
I like what your idea is. Starting the end at the beginning and such.
I do have this to say though:
I got extremely confused in the story, I had to WORK to understand where you were going with the plot. I did engage with the characters, I think I like Marcus the best (The underdog?) but I think you should re-plot the story. Perhaps by putting dates in - or paragraph headers, for instance Monday the 24th of April at the beginning, then back dating to the previous day.
I see where you were going with it, and had I not had to work at understanding where you were going with it I am quite positive I would have fallen into the story in no time.
I was told some useful information from an author yesterday actually, he said to me something along the lines of that sometimes we see our vision so clearly that we forget that other people may not understand what it is we are seeing. Take a step back, maybe print it out and read what it is you have written. Read it as your audience does and you may discover flaws that you had previously not noticed.
Another thing I've learnt from reading blogs on published authors is to simplify. It, and only it is the main thing I've kept in mind when I've been writing. If you can get your point across in three words then do that - Don't draw out a sentence just for something to write.
All in all...
Keep up the good work!
I look forward to reading future works from you :D
Being as new as I am, I am not going to give you a review, merely a comment.
I had butterflies reading this. I am not usually the sentimental type but this made me FEEL something. A meeting that has never been forgotten. Someones first and only real love that even after decades has never faded or gone away.
I not only felt something reading it, but I felt it from the very beginning. With that first kiss I fell into the story, and I DID read the entire thing. :D
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