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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/moofkird
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25 Public Reviews Given
25 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hey Max!

You’ve got a wonderful engaging style that balances use of the narrator’s inner monologue and his external dialogue to drive the pace of the story. Further, your conflict between what Tarak says and does provides a great mechanism for showing the reader (rather than telling them) the conflict.

Further, I found myself noticing assumptions being made by not only every character, but by the narrator and myself as the reader. Most of these assumptions are pointed out to be incorrect.

I’ve got a few clarifying questions and minor pain points you may wish to address.

It is very unusual for an Intern to be given primary control over a such a complex an application as the one Tarak is writing. For one thing, their time with the organization does not generally allow for tip to tail development of an application. Also, consider that an application this complex would employ the talents of a large number of people over whom there would likely be set a technical or managerial lead. Neither of these roles are likely to be assigned to an Intern. If you wish to avoid it being a sticking point (especially for someone like me who lives n the development world) I’d recommend modifying his role/position or else provide some justification as to how Tarak has found himself in such an unusual situation.

The paragraph that starts with
Maybe he should just run his test video…
Could use some work. Originally I thought that it needed clarification as to why the application identified these three people, but you did a great job of using that bit of confusion to highlight an assumption. After re-reading it, I found something else odd though. The paragraph’s first sentence makes it seem like he’s still in conflict as to how to approach the talk. But, he doesn’t explain any potential positive or negative repercussions for an ad lib approach. He instead immediately runs with the idea and then on to the elevator. Is the reader to assume he went with this last approach simply because it was the last to cross his mind when time ran out or was his inner conflict on the matter ever resolved?

Overall, this is a mature, fluid chapter. I’m intrigued to learn who Toby is and how he fits into the story (love interest, perhaps, or one of the three people already identified by Tarak’s application?)

Well done!
-Ben


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2
2
Review of The Entity  Open in new Window.
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey Jae!

There’s a lot going on here in a short amount of time. As a stand-alone piece there are some confusing points for the reader which I will point out. But, depending on if and how this story fits into something larger, they may not all be relevant.

There are 4 adventurers, as called out by count.
There are 4 names (Malusk, Skrie, Geordo, and Theren)
There are 5 classifications (Orc, halfling, elf, wizard, cleric) which means there is overlap, and only minimal breakdown as to which name belong to which classification. (Malusk is the Orc, the rest I am guessing. Though, I believe the hacking is the cleric).

If the above is addressed elsewhere then this point may be moot. However, as presented, I was lost.

This line is confusing:
But she couldn't risk an evil entity taking over this valley, not and keep her deity.

How does one keep a deity? How too is keeping a deity put at risk by an evil entity taking over a valley? Deities tend to have prodigious power over significant domains, so I assume the deity would not be destroyed. Would her connection to the deity be at risk perhaps? Some clarity is warranted if the reader is to grasp what is at risk.

The entity is thus-far only mentioned in passing, though it is the reference for the piece’s title. Again, as a stand-alone story that is confusing. If you plan to feed out details later, great. If not, that is a significant blind spot for the reader.

For this line:
"Oh," answered, Theren.

The second comma is not needed (comma splice). But, more importantly, Theren’s response is weak. With no context the reader is likely to presume they are a weak character. Unless that is the intent, I’d recommend delving into Theren’s mind and thoughts as to what “Oh” really means. Alternatively, if you are writing this from a perspective of a narrator not privy to the thoughts on Theren, consider having the character say more, either to the halfling cleric or another character as an aside, if Theren is, for instance, intimidated.

I’d say you have in intriguing beginning to an adventure here that could use some fleshing out. Keep going, and best of luck!

-Ben


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3
3
Review of Assignation  Open in new Window.
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First off, thank you! I learned several things as a result of this review:

low is a verb (fantastic!)
Kouta can sometimes be 5 lines (I had only known it previously to be a quatrain form)
Assignation is a word (I had honestly considered that it might be a typo)

This is a lovely piece. I can easily imagine a traditional Geisha actually writing this.

Traditionally, Geishas had a lot of time to sit and think. As their preparations were largely external (superficial) in nature and often performed by others, what else would there be to do than sit and daydream? So, overtly flowery and observation-based poetry is often the result.

I see a lovely lady sitting alone in a field or pasture as night falls. She is awaiting her lover and in eager anticipation and in the meantime is using all her senses to experience her surroundings to the fullest.

Well done, indeed.

A quick note about tense - I believe the first line being written in past-tense (darkened) while the other four lines are in present tense (draws; chattering; lowing; brings) will likely throw off your reader, as it did me. While it can be structurally correct, in such a short piece changing tense without explanation is jarring.

Also, consider the setting for the piece. If the narrator is sitting in growing darkness and not under a setting sun I wonder still if she would not mention the sky in present tense rather than note what happened previously. Here is a woman in complete harmony in the moment and her first line is about the past.

For these two reasons, you may want to consider replacing darkened with darkens or rewriting in another way to set the scene as being night.

As always, especially with poetry, my interpretation may be off from your intent, so feel free to throw out my ideas if they don't speak to you. But, I do hope they help!

Thanks again!
-Ben



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4
4
Review of The Street  Open in new Window.
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Oh, I do hope this is the beginning to a much longer story! I was excited to see the phrase Apothecary Guild but then the subject didn’t really come up again.

I’ve a few observations I think will bring clarity and make this great beginning pop.

Considering word choose, as it was not varied, is the reader to understand Raen is a werewolf? If so, great. If not, consider using some alternative words in addition to pack when referring to the group.

Given the relatively small sample size, it’s entirely possible you intend to expand upon the nature of the “pack”, but in its present form there are only vague impressions of orphans or street urchins which, due to the behavior of the Sisters of Charity, are a socially-accepted norm. I feel like there is a back story here. Given that the idea of struggling children will tug at the heart strings of any descent person, know that they will want some context when hearing about such things. Is this normal in the universe you’ve created? Are they victims of circumstance, war, disease, etc?

Beyond subject matter, which in all likelihood you’re hammering out as I jabber on, I have one additional observation I believe will help you immensely: your sentence structure is very repetitive. The first paragraph almost reads like a list; Raen did A; Raen thought B; Raen experienced C; etc. Subject Verbed something. It’s a common pitfall to find oneself in. The result is sentences of very similar length which hides from the reader any lines you wish to hit harder or which you wish to emphasize. Try to vary your sentence structure and length.

Example:
Say what Raen did. Then discuss how she or others felt about it or what results it had. You may even consider sprinkling in descriptions of her surroundings to show the reader a glimpse of her world. Then, move on to another action.

Just as with the paragraph above, the varied structure and length give the writing a more dynamic flavor. Longer flowing sentences to describe, shorter, harder hitting sentences to drive home statements or foot stomp.

I hope this helps, and I’d love to know what Raen decides to do (fingers crossed for the Apothecary’s Guild!).


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5
5
Review of Cave Cats  Open in new Window.
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I’ve never read anything quite like this - a clearly fictional representation of an academic approach to describing members of a species. It would go well as an appendix, preface, or supplemental note to provide depth to a fictional universe in which a story or novel takes place!

The biggest weakness in this piece is the repetitious use of several terms. You’ve used Onyx, Emerald, Sapphire, Ruby and Diamond as categorical types of Cave Cat, which is great. I’d highly recommend against using those same terms to describe the color of their eyes. There is some potential ambiguity here - for instance, you may be stating that the eyes are literal gem stones. If that is the case, a clarifying statement to the effect is really needed.

Also, over-utilization of the size descriptions of small house cat and saber-tooth tiger reads as very flat and dry. Vary the terms, maybe even throw in a quantitative measurement of height or weight.

The piece leaves the reader with several questions which, if this is a stand alone story, marks it as rather incomplete. However, if this is an excerpt from a larger effort, it may serve well to provide some background information.

Some of the questions I have are:
What is the physical of these cats?
Are they made of stone?
Is there variance between males and females?
How large are the young when born?
Magical?
Do they all live in caves?
What are elementals in the context of this writing/universe?

Depending on the goal for this piece, consider expanding your description to cover some of these questions.

Last, the writing looks to be a rough draft, which is of course not a problem. Some things I expect would be cleaned up in later drafts, but here are a few items to point out:

This sentence needs a colon after the word elementals.
“There are five types of these elementals the Onyx, Emerald, Sapphire, Ruby and Diamond.”

“Wit should be “with” I believe
“The young remain wit the parents for about two years after their birth.“

Over all, a creative piece. I enjoyed reading it and would love to know if this represents a small piece of a larger story or universe!

-Ben


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6
6
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a surprisingly polished poem for reading something like an Irish drinking song. Seriously, I love this!

If I have to pick nits, using Earth twice as the rhyming word is the only relative weak point. Repetitious use of mirth is strong as it ties it all together but reuse of a rhyming word just once tends to lend itself to a weakness. It seems more like a mistake, or that you ran out of serviceable rhyming words.

For this line:
Too soon we’ll depart this old planet Earth,

Perhaps something like
Too soon we’ll set sail toward our final berth

Utilizing berth as a homophone brings a subtle reminder about the use of birth in the first stanza without actually repeating a word.

As always, especially with poetry, there’s so many factors between author and reader that I may be missing. Feel free to take or leave the advice. You’ve got a strong sense of rhythm, phrasing, and flow here (much more than I, if I’m being honest) so I don’t know how much more I can say to help you.

Well done, and thanks for the read!
-Ben


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7
7
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dr. Gupta

This is a lovely poem! I find it hard to believe I will offer anything of consequence to improve upon a award winning piece like this, but I’ll try.

Poetry is so fluid and not necessarily required to follow the same rules as many other writing styles. However, I did find the forth stanza a little offsetting. It solidly introduced the idea for the first time that the narrator is a tombstone. However, in stanza three, a tombstone (presumably the same one) is referenced in the third-person (at least that’s how it read originally - upon a re-read, I realized the use of the word “this” could well be the narrator referring to itself). The confusing and, as-originally-understood, varied reference threw me off.

What am I talking about?

Start of stanza three:
Read up this fading tombstone,

Start of stanza four:
No, I’m not a lifeless stone.

I feel like the first line of stanza three missed an opportunity to lightly hint at the idea of the identity of the narrator before less subtly stating it in the next stanza.

For instance, substituting something like below into the first line of the third stanza could avoid the little hang up I felt initially.

“Writ upon my faded face”

Honestly, I feel like I’m picking nits, or even armchair quarterbacking. This is a really nice piece and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it (and can see why it is an award winning effort). My suggestion may be irrelevant and the lines may be exactly as you’ve envisioned. However, as this piece is submitted for review, I am assuming you’re looking for something more than slack-jawed admiration, so I’ve given you my best effort at constructive criticism. I hope you do not take offense.

This is one of the best things I’ve read on WDC thus far! I have seen your name on the site already in my short tenure here and think I would do well to check out your portfolio (once I figure out how to do so!). I hope to see more of your work.

Thanks!
-Ben


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8
8
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very strong piece, well thought out, and flowing. I had to look up the word surety as I thought as first it was a typo, but was pleased to see it was not - and really completed the line.

In the interest of offering something potentially constructive (though it feels like picking nits) I wanted to point out what I feel is the weakest (least strong?) stanza.

Violence rages on
Despite the obscure detriment
Of involuntary, gut-wrenching,
And touching sentiments.

Violence rages on where?
There have been several examples of violence recently - are you looking to highlight any specific ones or a particular flavor? Perhaps not, but it feels like an overly vague statement. There’s always violence.

Sentiments from or by whom?
You’ve used the word obscure to describe the detriment of the sentiments, but the sentiments themselves seem equally obscure. I’m in the US and therefore familiar with the subject matter which you are addressing, but I cannot wrap my head around any examples of sentiment.
It’s not a weak section, per-say, but is vague. Maybe that’s your goal, but it doesn’t quite fit the tone of the rest of the poem, in my opinion.

I’m impressed with the level of polish and work you put into this! If there are future edits I’d love to read them!

Best of luck to you!
-Ben


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9
9
Review of Reversion  Open in new Window.
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Oooo I liked this twist. Definitely didn’t see that coming! I bet this was a fun write!

I have a few suggestions for you.

In a couple places, the story would benefit from more variance in sentence structure:

“ He honestly had no idea. He thought they were happy together. He thought they were in love. He definitely didn't see this coming.”

“ I'm sorry, my love. But this is what I want. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my old life back home.”

A lot of sentences in a small area starting with the same word. This alone isn’t a sin but it tends to result in repetitive phrases. Compared to many of the other paragraphs these two were flat.

For this line:
"I'll take you tonight."
Consider rephrasing. It’s a little off. Take her where? (Or how?) It doesn’t need much - maybe as easy as “take you to the shore”. A little light foreshadowing and clarity at the same time.

The phrase “former wife” is thrown around a lot and in quick succession. I’d recommend limiting its use. Dropping her name and giving him a reason to pine or reflect works a lot better.

Well done!
-Ben


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10
10
Review of Stay Vacation  Open in new Window.
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very clever! Quite a few meanings you’ve found for stay. And I like the twist at the end. I seriously doubt you missed the point of a stay-cation (or stay vacation) and chose to drop the idea of vacationing to Waikiki hinting that’d you’d just stay there on vacation forever. Ha!

The last line read a little oddly:
“Stay vacation? I’ll let it be I’ll just go to Waikiki”

“I’ll let it be” seems a little soft and vague - could it be changed to something like? “that works for me!”

Well done!

Best of luck to you!
-Ben


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11
11
Review of Knocknacarra  Open in new Window.
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well done! I do love a good poem! I wonder if this is ode to a visit to Knocknacarra or was it maybe your home town?

You have a solid grasp of the tools of poetry and clearly know how to approach the subject. I have only a few thoughts, I hope they are helpful!

The middle of this line gets muddy
“And Oh! how much should it so blubber in her absence”
There are a lot of vague and soft words in a row. I recommend rephrasing it so it hits harder, or at least clearer. I had to re-read it a few times to realize that it meant the heart is breaking or crying to be away.

For the final line:
“Here lies, a damsel so fair, of a town called Knocknaca”
I’m really hung up on the word “of”. I’d love to see “of a” replaced with something more like “my sweet” or “oh dear”.

For this line, I think “lay” is meant to be “play” but is can be hard to be sure in poverty as each word can mean so much.
“ The heart now will lay a melody of her presence”

Great job! I had not heard of the town, but googled it upon reading your poem. It seems like a lovely place with some breathtaking scenery! I would love to see a future drafts you have for this poem!

-Ben


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12
12
Review of Gentle Souls  Open in new Window.
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This speaks of pain and recovery. It feels like you’ve got something you need to share. If so, I hope the poem is therapeutic.

The middle section gets a little muddy. Can you add a line and break into two 3-line sections?

For instance:

once A SOUL HAS BEEN TARNISHED
BY THE HARSHNESS OF REALITY,
it learns that to try is to be hurt (clarifying line mentioned above)

only a SOUL of uncommon strength
may COME BACK and be AS GENTLE
and open as it was before.

IT WILL FOREVER GUARD ITSELF
AGAINST FROM perilous
INTRUSION AGAIN.

These are just suggestions and can certainly be improved upon, even if you like the general direction I’m working toward. But, as will all poetry, the message from author to reader can be misinterpreted, and that’s not a bad thing. I’ve written things that speak to what I felt was being portrayed, but feel free to toss them out if I’ve missed the point or tweak them in whatever way works for you.

No matter the end result, I feel like you’ve got a great start here and a lot to say in a very difficult subject. Best of luck, and I hope to get to see a later or final version!

Thanks!


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13
13
Review of A Gal From Encino  Open in new Window.
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A fun limerick :)

For these two lines:
(though it was pretty far.
Even though she’d forgotten her chinos!)

As “though” is used in the last line it would be good to not use it in the 4th

Possible alternative approach:
You might replace the period at the end of the fourth line with a comma (or consider dropping all punctuation and just capitalize the start of each line.

Possible rewrite example:

“There once was a gal from Encino
Who was craving a hot Cappuccino
She went to the café
And she ran all the way
But saw she’d forgotten her chinos!“

Thanks!
14
14
Review by BFocht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh I really liked this!

Fun read, good cadence. You've clearly put a lot of work into this.

I have three thoughts that may be of a take-it-or-leave-it variety, but as I'm here to offer a critique I'll give it a shot.

For this line:
(A Cajun boy, from the swamps, came)
It fits the rhythm but reads so strange I reread the line several times, which pulled me out of the poem. Maybe it's the commas? Not sure how to redo it. Most things I came up with ended the line with boy, which then changes the second line by necessity. May not be worth it, but throwing it out there.

This line:
(Their names were stricken from all roles;)
Can you change roles to scrolls? I think that will read better.

And this line:
(They willingly pay passion’s debt.)
Is their love one of passion? If so, leave as is. Traditionally, it's true love that transcends death, and "true love" fits nicely in lieu of "passion" if you're so inclined. I guess it works either way - I was just feeling a true love vibe rather than passion.

This is only my third review and while I am enjoying them I'm not sure if I'm providing value. Let me know!

Thanks, and really nice work!


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