Hi there! I found this among the pages and your title intrigued me enough to have a look.
This was well written. Your writing is smooth and easy to follow. I enjoyed the action a lot. I find the idea of the 'memory traders' to be really interesting. And it is something that has all sorts of interesting connotations- like what do they do with them? Sell them to ancient beings who use the memories like food; use the brief flashes of life as nourishment to keep going? THat's the vibe I got from the Tyr.
I'm not sure how I feel about this being a short story. This feels more like a chapter from a novel. The setting is good, the rising action is okay if not really clear, and the climax and ending are a little sub par. We know nothing of our characters at all, other than the fact that Father Klignen is a warrior priest of some kind. We don't know who any of the others are or where they are from or what they look like, what they are doing, why she was taken in the in the first place, or why the Tyr are suddenly sending things to attack them ... I mean, I enjoyed this, it was well written and intriguing. But this feels like a section from a larger piece rather than a complete story.
I would suggest adding some more background; maybe add a segment leading up to them entering the cargo hold where we learn the why's and who's.
More specific suggestions for improvement:
The Memory Trader raised in his seat, but quickly settled- 'Raised' feels like the wrong word here, maybe 'shifted' or something similar.
have winced in pain and waded into a knot on the ground- 'waded'? I'm not sure how that word fits here.
“Father, Klignen!” She gasped.- I think the comma is unnecessary here.
and Michael placed him- perhaps, 'had placed'?
And Michael needed him. Michael always did.- this is a little awkward. Maybe change it to something like 'and Michael needed him. He always needed him.'
raised from his knee- knees?
Overall, this was entertaining. I look forward to reading more of your work. Until next time!
Hi there! I found this among the pages and decided to have a look.
This is beautifully written. The message is something I can definitely relate to. We all need a quiet place to retreat to, a place where we can find our sanity again when things get really hectic. I really enjoyed every word of this.
I especially liked essential stars define the night and flash of meteors that etch the sky with whispers of yesteryear these lines were just breathtaking. And the wording of the whole poem in general really popped.
My suggestions for improvement:
There is a silent spot I go, undeveloped- this section is a little awkward. Maybe add 'to' or reword it.
I would take a look at your punctuation. Maybe replace some commas with periods and semi-colons. I have this problem myself.
Overall, I enjoyed this and I look forward to reading more of your work. Until next time!
Hi there! I saw this among the pages and your description intrigued me enough to click.
This is a nice little poem. Simple, elegant, vivid. You say a lot here with few words, which is the point of the syllabic limit I suppose. You followed the syllabic count perfectly! I thought you had a very creative response to the prompt. Mountains being ground down over eons is essentially a form of cremation.
My favorite line was baked by ten million suns. That's a really attention-catching line. Very vivid and memorable.
My only suggestions for improvement are:
Maybe center the poem for more cosmetic appeal?
I feel like some punctuation would accentuate the piece. It will add breaks in the flow at the proper times which give certain lines more impact.
Overall, this was splendid. I look forward to reading more of your work! Until next time.
Hello! I was browsing the pages and this poem caught my eye.
This is excellent. Short, sharp, thought provoking. It's got an exotic, mysterious feel to it that I enjoyed.
I especially liked the first and last stanzas. The bit about time bending around you is marvelous, and that final stanza is a perfect ending- Shiver inducing, in fact.
My only suggestions for improvement are cosmetic in nature. First, I think this would look better centered. Secondly, I dislike the way you capitalized the first word of each line. But, these are minor little things. Overall, this was fantastic. Keep up the great work! Until next time.
Hi there! I found this among the pages and thought it looked interesting.
I enjoy rhyming poems quite a bit if they are done correctly. Poems with rhymed words that flow well with the context of the piece rather than just random words being plopped in for rhyme. This poem does an excellent job of achieving that flow.
I have to say this poem gave me a feeling of comfort when I read it. Like when you drink a cup of hot chocolate on a cold winter day beside the fire. The first stanza was just excellent! That first line is particularly strong.
Your rhyme scheme and syllabic count are on point and I did not see any spelling errors. The only nitpicks I have are:
'from the chill felt that the Autumn wind brings', the word 'felt' feels really out of place here and interrupted the flow for me.
'comes even colder', 'comes' is an awkward word here, at least for me.
Also, you forgot the period to end the last stanza.
These are minor little things though. Overall, I enjoyed this a lot. Until next time.
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The Memory Trader raised in his seat, but quickly settled- 'Raised' feels like the wrong word here, maybe 'shifted' or something similar.
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