** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This review is meant in the spirit of encouragement and support. It is my humble opinion....nothing more.
Hi Casper is broken , I am anastasia beyverhausen and I will review "Final Checkout" in honor of your WDC Anniversary
First Impression:
Ann thought she was on the vacation of a lifetime, but things take a turn for the worse. Before long Ann realizes that all is not what it appears to be.
Suggestions:
Just a few minor things I would like to point out, please use what is helpful and discard the rest.
His shirt had caught upon the kitchen racks which had left him hanging in the air with his feet firmly placed on the ground, as if he were still alive. I suggest placing a comma before "which" and deleting "had" allowing for a smoother flow to the sentence, which would read: "His shirt caught upon the kitchen racks, which left him hanging in the air with his feet firmly placed on ... still alive."
They had thought they had won a dream vacation in paradise but only to late realized it was hell. I suggest the same for this sentence, by deleting the first "had" in the sentence cutting down on the amount of past participles in that one phrase; "to" should be "too".
They had all been treated to a dinner fit for a king, or in her case a queen. For more succinctness, you could just say: "That had all been treated to a dinner fit for royalty."
Which she now realized had been the fattening before the feast. Which she now knew had been drugged. Both sentences start with the same phrase "which she now", and are very close to each other in the story. I suggest for the sake of redundancy, to try rephrasing the second sentence.
The room had a sickening smell but she found she was growing used to it. The smell had filled her nostrils for the last several hours and she wasn't sure if she would ever be rid of it. The second sentence sort of cancels out what was said in the first. I suggest revising and saying instead: "The room had a sickening smell, filling her nostrils for the last several hours. Although she was growing used to it, she wasn't sure if she would ever be rid of it."
At least they would have no interest in eating him, since he was so old that his meat would be too tough, or that's what she'd overheard one of them saying anyway. I would suggest putting a period after "too tough" and starting a new sentence by saying: "At least that's what she'd .... anyway."
What I liked best:
This story was gory and true to it's warning. A few things to note:
The gory scene nearly caused Ann to vomit but she held it down. After all, it wasn't the first time she had seen death today. I liked her visceral reaction to what was before her and the second sentence was a small hint of what transpired before Ann had plunged a knife in a man's chest.
With a nauseating, bone-scrapping sound, the cleaver tore out of the man's chest. I cringed at this sentence, just imagining the actual sound.
Her only option left had been to kill or be killed. Okay, after reading this, my curiosity was surely peaked. What was going on?
Clark glanced back at her again and smiled, "Now dear. You know you can't speak with that gag in your mouth. Don't worry, we'll be home soon, and then we can all eat." I loved this sentence. It really left the reader hanging, wondering what was reality and what was imagination. No matter how you slice it, Ann had done some serious damage.
establishment I noted the constant use of "establishment" in the story, but after reading through the entire work I think it works great, adding some ambiguity as to what was exactly going on.
Overall Impression:
A story that took many unexpected turns, ultimately leaving the reader at a crossroads of what to believe.
Write On!!!!!
|