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Hi, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name ).
Anyways... I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
Disclaimer 1
These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and thoughts that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.
Disclaimer 2
I use a lot of smilies
Plot
It is a rather common sort of plot (from what I've seen so far). But a common plot can be brought to life with interesting/funny/witty characters, so I wouldn't worry about that
I do like the idea of the Prince noticing her due to the lyrics, but I think it might enhance the story if the Prince's interest is music is mentioned beforehand.
Characters
Ari appears to me to be lighthearted and whimsical. So far, there is not much depth to her character, but this is the first chapter and it is rather short, so I don't think that is a problem.
Scene/Setting
I did enjoy the train-of-thought POV. It is not a common narration style but I believe you pulled it off well.
Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in green.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remains the same
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My name is Ari, and I'm 16 years old, but I'm about to be 17 in a couple months. - Just to clean it up I would suggest removing the 16 year old comment and go with My name is Air, and in a couple of months I will be 17 years old.
I was raised up to a fair age and then thought...why don't I just live alone! Less of a burden and more time to read and write. What I don't understand is: why is it considered a bad thing for a lady to be educated!? But! I don't care, I don't care what the townsfolk think of me, I only do it for myself. - I would consider revising this part. First off why don't I just live alone! should have a '?' in place of or before the '!'. Second, wow would it be less of a burden to live alone? Usually if someone else is paying your way it is easier to stay with them (i.e. parents). In order to make this understandable her current living situation should be commented on. Otherwise, I would replace the beginning with I was raised up to a fair age and then was forced to make my own way in life. or something similar. I also would suggest removing the '!' after the 'But', however if you feel it is necessary to emphasize this, then I would change it to But, I don't care! I don't care what the townsfolk think of me...
It's like their a band of pirates, but they're kinda on their own will...taking over what they please, what a bunch of idiots. - The first their in this sentence should be they're
It's like they are a band of pirates... |
. Also I do not think the 'but' is necessary, as I think pirates do follow their own will so this is not a contradiction of what pirates are. The ',' after please should be a '.' as Ari's comment is really not part of the pirates sentence.
Prince Marth is the current heir, the king died of some strange disease... - Someone is only an heir it they have not yet inherited so since the Prince Marth's father died, Prince Marth is really King Marth. If you like referring to him as Prince Marth you could mention how it is hard to get used to the change and Ari still thinks of him as Prince Marth even though he is king.
Today is peaceful for some reason, the townsfolk are all in their homes calm and peaceful. - I generally advise that you don't use the same word twice in the sentence, unless you are trying to draw attention to something specific. I would suggest making one of the 'peaceful's with tranquil or a related word.
I walk past the baker's and the silk trader, I don't see why...but I've been known as a beauty around these parts, but I'm also known as a sin. - I think the comma after 'silk trader' should be a period because Ari walking past the merchants has nothing to do with the train of thought about her looks.
I'm actually sitting right next to the castle but really no one passes by here other than the guards and well....me. The Prince is sure to pass by here, but what am I to worry about, nothing really, I'll just continue on with the song. - I think it is odd that you say no one passes by here except Ari and the guards but then your next sentence you contradict yourself and say the Prince is sure to pass by.
I twist a lock of my black, long and curly hair and blink my big brown eyes in concentration. - This is just an opinion, but this seemed like a forced sentence in order to describe the appearance of Ari. I would suggest writing something about a ripple attracting her notice to the water in the fountain and then commenting on her appearance.
I groan when I lost sight of my papers, I turn around a corner towards the front entrance of the castle and stop dead in the middle, "Oh no!"I whisper in fright, the papers were gently clutched in the Prince's hands, and he was reading them! - I don't know if you realize this, but you made this all one long sentence. You need to change the comma after 'middle' to a period. I would also suggest starting a new paragraph before the "Oh no!" sentence. I enjoy white space as much as any other
His blue, dark blue hair catches the breeze and swishes around and I couldn't help but notice his dark blue eyes. -
This is embarrassing! "Did you write these songs yourself?" I look up at his face and nod, "Yes, your highness." I look around and then blush once more, attracting too much attention! I hate being center of attention! "They're beautiful, just as you." I bring my attention back to him with a sprinkle of shock on my face, "Huh..oh! Um, t-thank you?" He smiled and handed me my music lyrics, I bowed and said, "Allow me to take my leave your highness." I nod and then swerve on my heels, getting ready to walk away. - It is nice to break the lines of dialog apart not only does it increase the amount of white space, which is nice on the eyes, but it helps distinguish who is talking. Thus I suggest:
This is embarrassing!
"Did you write these songs yourself?"
I look up and then blush once more, before nodding, "Yes, your highness."
Glancing around, I realize that I am the focus of many people's stares. I am attracting too much attention! ...I hate being center of attention.
"They're beautiful, just as you."
I bring my gaze back to him with a sprinkle of shock on my face, "Huh..oh! Um, t-thank you?"
He smiled and handed me my music lyrics. I bowed and said, "Allow me to take my leave your highness."
Then, with a nod and I swerve on my heels, getting ready to walk away.
I walk through town finishing my errands (jobs) and end up earning 7 gold coins. - ...is she doing errands or doing her job? or is doing errands her job? I think this should be explained somewhere in the previous paragraphs
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I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart and write on!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |
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