in fLIGHT's REVIEWS
member of SIMPLY POSITIVE
 
hmmm...while the descriptions are good and i liked the part where she yanks this guy's earring out, the story kind of comes and goes without any real impact. it may be that not enough was explained as to the reasons why, or not enough emotional investment was built up before the end, but it kind of leaves me with a sense that it kinda ended too quick. i used to do this also. i had a picture of a scene in my head and i would write my story around the scene, but the scene would lack a real story. that's whats needed her. a story...an explanation for the scene.
keep writing, sj. if you want me to rerate this later, or want anything else rated, just knock. below, i listed some of the other things i found stood out in the story. all suggestions though, so just use what you think applies.
later :)
her head like an, oh so ironic symbol
don't think you need the comma here
she awoke from her pain induced slumber
'pain-induced'
where she was...all she remembered
the '...' after 'was' is better of as a period
the tugging of an arm on her own, as a large, bald individual
this part might read a little better by replacing 'her own' with >her's< and removing the comma. also, you could remove the word 'as'
the tugging of an arm on her's as a large, bald individual
individual with an incredible and overpowering strength
sometimes over-wording can make reading lengthy. keep a lookout for words that you can snip to make the read a little more concise. believe me, it makes a difference. here, you can remove the word 'an'
velvety voice he simply said
you can omit the word 'he'
decorating the figures right ear and she viciously pulled hard ripping the lobe
you can remove certain words here also and switch 'viciously pulled' around for a better read, like so...
decorating the figures right ear and pulled viciously, ripping the lobe
by the way...ouch. i winced when i read that part.
as the figure yelped in pain like a scolded dog
you can either leave it at 'yelped in pain', or say 'yelped like a scolded dog', but having both seems like too much
“Thief, thief, stop her!” Before a heavy thud, as something heavy cracked the back of her head stopping her in her tracks, before she collapsed to the ground in blinding pain dropping the man’s earring and watching the hooped shape skitter away into a nearby grate.
hmmm...lot of things to change here and it's probably better to show it all then write it out...
“Thief, thief, stop her,” >before< a heavy thud, as something heavy cracked the back of her head, stopping her in her tracks, before. She collapsed to the ground in blinding pain>,< dropping the man’s earring and watching the hooped shape skitter away >down< into a nearby grate.
final form...
“Thief, thief, stop her,” before a heavy thud cracked the back of her head, stopping her in her tracks. She collapsed to the ground in blinding pain, dropping the man’s earring and watching the hooped shape skitter away down into a nearby grate.
enclosed room which steadily grew closer
you can replace 'which steadily grew' with 'steadily grow'
closer and faster; her heart rate
i think the semicolon can be replaced with a comma. not sure, but the semicolon seems wrong here. feels like it stops the flow of action a little.
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