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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
in fLIGHT's REVIEWS
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wow...creepy. you really brought the malice out in that character, as well as the pain and the odd sensation of acceptance and resigned hopelessness of the woman. like being trapped with a psychopath. very nervy, some of the lines. The ending brings it to a close well.

nice job, ms morgan


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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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hmmm...while the descriptions are good and i liked the part where she yanks this guy's earring out, the story kind of comes and goes without any real impact. it may be that not enough was explained as to the reasons why, or not enough emotional investment was built up before the end, but it kind of leaves me with a sense that it kinda ended too quick. i used to do this also. i had a picture of a scene in my head and i would write my story around the scene, but the scene would lack a real story. that's whats needed her. a story...an explanation for the scene.

keep writing, sj. if you want me to rerate this later, or want anything else rated, just knock. below, i listed some of the other things i found stood out in the story. all suggestions though, so just use what you think applies.

later :)

her head like an, oh so ironic symbol
don't think you need the comma here

she awoke from her pain induced slumber
'pain-induced'

where she was...all she remembered
the '...' after 'was' is better of as a period

the tugging of an arm on her own, as a large, bald individual
this part might read a little better by replacing 'her own' with >her's< and removing the comma. also, you could remove the word 'as'

the tugging of an arm on her's as a large, bald individual

individual with an incredible and overpowering strength
sometimes over-wording can make reading lengthy. keep a lookout for words that you can snip to make the read a little more concise. believe me, it makes a difference. here, you can remove the word 'an'

velvety voice he simply said
you can omit the word 'he'

decorating the figures right ear and she viciously pulled hard ripping the lobe
you can remove certain words here also and switch 'viciously pulled' around for a better read, like so...

decorating the figures right ear and pulled viciously, ripping the lobe

by the way...ouch. i winced when i read that part.

as the figure yelped in pain like a scolded dog
you can either leave it at 'yelped in pain', or say 'yelped like a scolded dog', but having both seems like too much

“Thief, thief, stop her!” Before a heavy thud, as something heavy cracked the back of her head stopping her in her tracks, before she collapsed to the ground in blinding pain dropping the man’s earring and watching the hooped shape skitter away into a nearby grate.
hmmm...lot of things to change here and it's probably better to show it all then write it out...

“Thief, thief, stop her,” >before< a heavy thud, as something heavy cracked the back of her head, stopping her in her tracks, before. She collapsed to the ground in blinding pain>,< dropping the man’s earring and watching the hooped shape skitter away >down< into a nearby grate.

final form...

“Thief, thief, stop her,” before a heavy thud cracked the back of her head, stopping her in her tracks. She collapsed to the ground in blinding pain, dropping the man’s earring and watching the hooped shape skitter away down into a nearby grate.

enclosed room which steadily grew closer
you can replace 'which steadily grew' with 'steadily grow'

closer and faster; her heart rate
i think the semicolon can be replaced with a comma. not sure, but the semicolon seems wrong here. feels like it stops the flow of action a little.






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Review of My Type of Karma  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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not bad. wow...this character almost seethes as she goes down the list of wrongs done by this guy. there was a little disorientation for me as i didn't know exactly who was who for most of the story. was the narrator male or female, was the person they were talking about their older brother, sister, or father...it comes together in the end, though, and my favorite part was how even though she says she has made a determination to change her life and her mindset, and even though she appears to be fighting her darker impulses, it seems in the end she can't resist the almost delicious temptation to exact revenge. she almost seems, for lack of better words, like a demon dreaming; a monster created by a monster

nice, louise

a listed a few suggestions for little things i saw below. only suggestions, though...

But it’s ok I have forgiven you
comma after 'ok'

it is always self- pride that matters
hmmm...pride, i think, is always about 'self'. i think mentioning 'self-pride' is a bit redundant and you can slide with just 'pride'

you whom I considered an all-knowing Deity (or nowadays as I see it, a freaking complete control nut)
comma after 'you' and 'Deity'. also, i'm not sure about using parenthesis in a a short story format. i would probably try something else, like...

you, whom I considered an all-knowing Deity, or nowadays as I see it, a freaking complete control nut,...

No to be honest the other two siblings
comma after 'No'

later :)


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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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not bad. funny how this story was written seven or eight years ago and applies, almost exactly, today. i liked the message and the note of wisdom in the story- that the madness of a moment can be dispelled over time as well as the better heart of an individual who doesn't fall into the mass hysteria. if anything, time has produced some very...unreasonable...moments and it's good to see there are people who can still see clearly.

nice write, thing


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Review of Oceans message  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar*

this kind of works, but only if you were describing one side or scene of the ocean. the ocean does change and has many forms from peaceful to malevolent to mysterious. some of the things are not really true, like the ocean letting all who are thirsty drink. ocean water can be fatal to humans who drink it.

the line i felt was the best was the fourth one...

My mind is absorbed in it, on its silence and I became aware, that also everything in and around me constantly change but something in me is and remains the same.

the ocean does have a way of connecting spiritually with people. i think you are right towards the end where we all a part of the same whole and yet there are currents that see us drift apart. i can sense your affinity to the ocean and it comes through in your writing clearly, but i guess it's just a matter of making everything neat and presentable. there's a number of spelling and grammar errors here also, and this is not really a short story or in short story form. but what you do have is the emotion, something to say, and the will to write, and that is the most important part.

look forward to reading more. good luck and welcome to the site

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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

nice write. i guess it's a bit striking when we see the image of ourselves- especially when it's not headed in a good direction and it brings us to that fork in the road moment. that's what i got from this poem.

i liked the third verse the best. it seems to epitomize the story of addiction. everyone knows it is bad. everyone knows they should quit, everyone always understands, but they never really get around to quitting. It's a hard predicament and the poem- perhaps like the person- is left open-ended, and it represents the tangle knowing the right way while going the wrong.

good job, nay

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Review of Dead Red Roses  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar*

:) now that's poetry. it felt timeless. it seems to cover a lot of things and did so with words that made me feel the weathering of whatever nature this journey took form. at the end of a trying life, he still stands much more in tune with himself, and, understanding all the chaos in life, seeks to get in touch with the beauty in it. at least that was my interpretation. in a way, it is an epic poem. i almost beg to know the stories conveyed in every word. but i liked it. well done. earnest poetry felt on the inside

be looking forward to reading more

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Review of Vision of Spring  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar*

liked :) has a pleasant tone to it- the reverential wonder of nature. one of those poems that makes me wish i could see through another persons eyes for a time. well done


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Review of Navigate  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

nice :) i like the feel of it. it's like it's moving from a world of peace and reflection into the unknown- steadying themselves with their hope for guidance until that moment passes. the descriptions were good. the words "lingering light" stay with me for some reason.

nice oasis :)


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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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:) that was pretty cool. fun read. i thought you could have been more subtle with it, though, leaving out the parts that make it too obvious that it is a cold and try making it seem as much a person or something other than what it really was. also, you can out some spaces in between your paragraphs for a neater look. other than that, great write. entertaining and the first of it's kind i have seen. very detailed :)

enjoy the site, AM


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Review of The Young Wolf  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

:( ugh...you started really well. i'm sure you've got five extra verses hidden somewhere. i was hooked from the description of her eyes and coat. i thought i was going on a ride here, but it's cool, lol. really liked that first verse. a good poem, magoo

and thanks for rating my poem, Invalid Item Open in new Window.. highly appreciated


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Review of Though Apart  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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had to go to that wikipedia site and learn up on what a villanelle was, lol. thanks for the link. i never really understood these kinds of poems too well. as the poem goes by the form, it does so well. i can't rate this really accurately as this is my first time really seeing one like it. i like the subject and your wording. the repetition seems to put a strength into the message. by the definition, it said this form was five tercets and one quatret at the end. i thought u could emphasize that form by spacing the verses out accordingly. other than that. not bad at all. i wonder what ur teacher said about it, lol. whose review was better :)


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Review of Complete Serenity  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

:) awesome. again, every word from start to finish. great wisdom, it felt like something written from someone who either is or wants to bedeeply in touch with themself. there's definitely a gravity to your writing i like. i hope you write more.

no suggestions, no corrections.


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Review of Way Home !  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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hey kalai. looking at the title, your name, and the poem, i only guess that english wasn't your first language as there are things that read rather strangely. perfectly excusable in any case. i liked the subject of the poem and i felt that the scene pictured here was merely a metaphor for the very deep meaning illustrated by the last two lines. i would dare say profound. i found it a question about the conscience of our society, seeming to say "Look at the things we do. Can we ever hope to be better?" very nice

the poems wording comes off strange at times, and the use of hyphens ( - ) is discouraged for the most part in this poem. commas ( , ) are probably the punctuation you might have been looking for. i would change the title to "The Way Home", also. Reads a little better. Other than that, while it has some problems with structure, the content was very deep. very nice. it really does make me stop and wonder.

by all means, keep writing

thanks again for reviewing my poem, Invalid Item Open in new Window.. Your comments were well-recieved.


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Review of Undefined  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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lisa, i thought that was awesome. i liked every word of it, and agree with every word of it. definitely inspirational and full of wisdom. what takes from it is the presentation. the way it is formed at first seemed novel in a way. the paragraph but spaced structure kind of making the read instinctive (lol, for lack of a better word) but i thought the use of punctuation to guide it was not used to well. in some places, i do get caught up. also, i would try to "bold" the title. make it stand out from the rest. and at the end, i would make two extra lines of space (pres enter twice after the last word) so that it is not bunched up with the copyright info.

the content is awesome, mature, and very inspiring. the presentation could use a little more polish. but i'm still glad i came across it. good write and welcome to the site

and one more thing, lol. you might want to chose a better title. sometimes it is hard but necessary


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Review of Harley Cat  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar*

lol. is that your photo or did you find it? it's perfect for the poem. i was wondering why you had so many pictures in your port, and then i realised there were poems in them, lol. this one's the first one of your's i read in a while and liked it. light-hearted, fun, and kinda tongue-in-cheek. an easy upper for my mood.

always good to stop by


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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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pretty cool story. this woman has just- at least in my opinion- went through the worst and best time of her life. worse in that not only does she lose all her material possessions, but she loses her family to the storm. best, because relatively soon after, she receives the most improbable of gifts from a mysterious benefactor that must take away a considerable part of the overwhelming fear and uncertaintly of not having a home or a job. the story was well-written- crushing in the beginning and uplifting in the end. leaves me with a sense of that "goodness in mankind" feeling

no corrections; well-written. i only had two thoughts
* i felt knowing the age of the woman might have helped a little in the beginning as an old woman who loses everything in such a way would seem to have a different kind of mood than a younger. also,

* i'm not sure if "independence* is really the gift that was given here. that's just me, though. the title seems o not fit exactly

* as I pulled up to the address, my research <> confirmed that it was indeed a small
it seemed the word *was* or something like it was missing after confirmed to make the line make sense. typo or something

overall, good story that teaches the impact of awareness and compassion.

nice


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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

:) i'm a fan of innovation. this has a very neat and crisp appearance. the color definitely matches the season. the wording is great; it makes me use all my senses- including my spiritual one- to enjoy this. it seems a work of care and good crafting that paid off well. nice job, snow

no suggestions, no corrections. well-written and well-presented.

and thanks for reviewing and participating in my poll, Sensory Deprivation Open in new Window.. i sight and hearing are definitely at the top of my must-have's list also :)


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Review of Moon Tribute!  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

:) didn't take long to make me smile. it's fun and it has it's charm to it. i like the slow rhythm that almost makes me feel like i'm singing a song or a lullaby of some sort. the repitition makes it playful, and your wording brings the sort of easy peace you get when looking at the moon. not complicated or heavy, just plain endearing poetry. nice job, cat

Goodnight moon, Goodnight! We love you!
you should probably capitalize *moon* in the last line

hope see more of your writing. and thank you for reviewing my poem, Invalid Item Open in new Window.. a great review and much appreciated


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Review of Glass Lovers  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

the title is intriguing and the story itself is graceful and enchanting. i liked the way you expressed the movement of time from view of these two glass figures also. what almost appears star-crossed comes to, by an ironic twist of fate- come to a great ending. it's a work anybody who wonders on love in all it's forms will appeal to

unless you have any other items hidden, i think that's the end of this port raid, and i'd say it was definitely a good experience. you have great writing in here and a knack for writing from different perspectives. my favorites were Jack of Ten's, Genesis of the Raven, and The Sightless Fisherman. Glass Lovers is a great story also, but it's a personal preference as i'm inclined to the dark, mystic, and action-oriented things myself. hopefully much more things come from you.

thanks for contributing all your work and thoughts, Doug. highly appreciated


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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

if that was completely your own fanfiction i have to say your work seems to feel just as eerie as Poe's. i thought i was a great write. hooked me from the start to finish and was really interested with the characters and the drama that played out, especially the silent Virginia, who despite her frail appearance showed suprising strength and conviction. maybe i'm too green at this, but i thought this was really well-written and really entertaining.

awesome job. it rivals your other story, Jack of Tens


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Review of Uncle Jim's Magic  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

wow. a nice write. if this was based of a real person, a fitting tribute to a great character. if not, you definitely have the ability to build a character you can warm to. this guy sounds like a real life-bringer. also, a pretty good ending with meaningful impact. overall, a well-crafted story

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23
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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

:) nice wordplay. fun read, and the last line brings everything home very neatly. at first, i thought the title said the Arc and the Angel and was prepared for somehting else, but the title is still catchy. made me very curious to read

nice job



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Review of Poker With Slim  Open in new Window.
Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar*

i liked the rhythm of this poem and it was fun to read. and humorous. the title is also very catchy. it was kinda funny wonering about the dog's name as it almost seems that he is passed from "winner" to winner after it's previous ower folds or loses.


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Review by mugen shiyo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*

nice. the last verse drives it home and the imagery of the verse is easy to follow and sticks in the mind.

cool :)


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