Personally, I'm not one who knows a lot about poems, but I'll try my best. first off, the rhythm is hard to follow, if there is one. I apologize if this was on purpose, but even if it was, it should've been better conveyed. Next up is my arch-rival, improper capitalization. It's only a few places in the poem, but it's noticeable. Punctuation is all over with no real rhyme or reason, and lines begin and end where they probably shouldn't. Overall, it needs some major work, and possibly a redo, but keep at it, you'll get there eventually!
First thing that sticks out to me are just a few grammatical errors and strange wording. To pick a few out, "All are anticipating" was one line that didn't seem right when I repeated it in my head, missing punctuation was another big one. Aside from that, I believe that some words were overused. While this isn't such a big deal in writings only a few paragraphs long, it can have a huge impact in short stories and novels. Overall, it still needs work, but I'm sure you'll get there eventually.
Again, giant wall of constant talking without much content in between makes for boring sections that a lot of people will skip over. This part of the story does do a slightly better job at sensual details, providing sounds and visuals, but they're limited. Don't be scared to stop the talking for a bit to give your readers a sense of the surroundings. As far as grammar, something I forgot to touch upon before, I can see few mistakes, aside from a capitalized "I" or some other small mistake here and there. The ages still are something that bug me, but as a simple peeve. Overall, better than the last part, once again, keep it up.
Personally, I liked it. The talking was a bit much, and made me feel like it would be better fit as a script for a movie than a story. Try to add sensual details such as visuals, olfactory, and others. The age of the characters was another thing I noticed. My number one issue with this is that you only mentioned Jacks age, and there being an age gap, without telling of the others ages. And while on the subject of the oldest being 14, that makes things unbelievable that an entire world reduced to 27 people would have 3 kids as part of that population. Overall, keep working at it, and I'm sure you'll get better.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mistermavin96
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 8:12am on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
