\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/missy0201
Review Requests: OFF
482 Public Reviews Given
532 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I pick the item apart and give as much feedback as I can about potential problems that may need to be addressed.
I'm good at...
Most grammar and punctuation issues.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Supernatural, Suspense, Thriller, Dark, Ghost, Non-sense, Comedy, or anything relating to these.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Fanfiction, War, Military, Spiritual, Religious, Nonfiction, Arts, or anything relating to these.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Novels
I will not review...
I'll not review any item that has not be edited to the writer's best ability, or that I find impossible to read and review because of an abundance of grammar and punctuation mistakes that I feel the author could have corrected during editing.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 ... Next
1
1
Review of The Diagnosis  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi J.E. Allen Author IconMail Icon! Welcome to WDC! I hope you find my review of "The DiagnosisOpen in new Window. helpful.

My thoughts on your story:
Overall, I thought you did a very good job with this story, and I enjoyed reading it. I loved the twists that you put on the end. The wife and the call was a nice touch. I would have liked to seen how it played out if Duncan would have gotten that message just before the dark man got to him. could he have stopped his death, or would it have been too late to call it off since the dark man told him before that he couldn't? It awoke my imagination, so thanks for the great read.

Punctuation and grammar:
This is just a small example of some of the punctuation and grammar fixes I found early on. My suggestions or questions are in parenthesis. If you're not sure about punctuation, I suggest checking out "So,,,Put A Comma Here,,,Or Not???Open in new Window.

parking lot, outside a hole-in-the-wall (You should remove the comma here)
heavy drizzle, that brought (You should remove the comma here)
thought, it’s not (I would suggest a period instead of a comma here)
Thanks for the nice tip sweetie (You need a comma between "tip" and "Sweetie")

moment for the fogginess of sleep. (To do what?)
which meant blood was present (I don't think this explanation is needed)
some the stomach flu or an ulcer (Take out "some" or "the")
But now, that he would never (Remove the comma and "that")
about the betters times (about the better times)
the warm and safe womb (her warm, safe womb)
reminders to remember to lock the back door (reminders to lock the back door)
he gave the man he met behind the bar (he'd given the man behind the bar)
looked both ways down the street (looked both ways, up and down the street)
he took his agreed position (Perhaps "preferred" position would work better here)
accompanied by the click of the lock finding its home. (Confusing. The door is unlocked, and this sounds like he is locking it.)
he left his earlier in the day (he left it earlier in the day)
find an insane killer in his home (He didn't seem insane to me. Maybe just "hired" killer)
to look real don’t you (to look real, didn't you)
Although, the past few weeks her husband has (Although, for the past few weeks, her husband had)
A rerun of The Price is Right playing to and empty room. (This needs just a little work along with the sentence before. The reader needs to know why this is here. Did she hear it? See it?)
breath became caught in her throat (breath caught in her throat)

Final thoughts:
Most of the problem areas I found had to do with punctuation, so you may want to go back through it and correct those. I didn't point all of them out, but I'm sure you can find most of them if you slowly go back through it. My other suggestions are for you to use as you see fit.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of The Steps  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Sum1's Home Author Icon. *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.


The story: This is an amusing little story about a set is stone steps and an arch that leads to a meadow beyond the house. It's told from the point of view of the steps and arch as they discuss their importance and reminisce. about all the things they've been a part of.*Smile*

Suggestions:

a duck pond centered in the middle of it
I think using 'centered' and 'middle' is a bit too much here. It seems repetitive. I also felt it needed a little more description of the field because the sentence felt a bit unfinished.

Arch will agree with me I’m sure in
Arch will agree with me, I’m sure, in

Every one of you is wrong
It seem likes 'is' should be 'are', but neither if them really sound right to me. I know it's dialog, so it's not really incorrect either way, but it gave me a pause as I read it.
*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I found this to be a very creative and amusing little story. It seems to read a bit rough as far as the flow is concerned, but the main thing that caught my attention was the lack of individual voices for the stones. I thought it would be a bit more entertain if there was a little indication of the sex of each stone. I could get a sense of a couple of them, but questioned others. Otherwise, I enjoyed the read. Thanks for the chance to read and review it.*Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Lost Without You  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Sum1's Home Author Icon. *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.


The poem: This poem is about a man that has lost his muse, so he's been unable to write.He begs and pleads with her to return, and even turns to God in his despair. Finally she returns to him and he's able to write once more.*Smile*



Thoughts: I don't review a lot of poetry because I don't know enough about it to give much of a helpful review. I did enjoy the piece though, and I felt a connection wit the man because I've been having quite a bit of writer's block for a while now. I enjoyed the style and your word choices. I did feel that in a few places the cadence was a bit off, and some of the rhymes didn't quite mesh together as well as they could. I think that a poem is very personal to the writer, so I hesitate to mention any suggestions for improvement. I write a bit of poetry myself at times, and I know you can't always control the flow that the emotion chooses to follow. I feel that this poem is honest and real, and that any writer that has ever suffered from writer's block will find it easy to connect with. Good job!*Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Amalie Cantor - We Got This! Author Icon. *Reading*

Happy Account Anniversary!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.


The story: Binda is a warrior, and as a warrior, she is trained to kill the Unseeing. These are creatures, so Binda understood, couldn't see the beauty of the world and filled it with darkness. She watched and studied her pray, an Unseeing called Skie, and began to feel captivated by her. She entered Skie's dreams at night and asked her riddles. When Skie's life was in danger, Binda went against all she held so dear, and all she knew, to save her life. *Smile*

Suggestions:

Binda had ever been a warrior.
This just need a bit of clarity. Maybe something like 'Binda had only ever been a warrior'. I'm not sure if that's what you're aiming for, but look it over and see what you think.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: This story is so beautifully written that I couldn't help but get lost in it. You've done a wonderful job creating this story and its characters. I was so caught up that I didn't want it to end, but I liked the way it ended. It's a heartwarming love story, and I refuse to think about what would happen to both of them if Binda's community found out. That would just be heartbreaking unless she could get them to see the Unseeing in a different light. Thanks for allowing me to read and enjoy your work. *Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, ElaineElaine Author Icon. *Reading*

Happy Account Anniversary!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.


The article: This article was written as a 'how to', and the title and description pretty much sums up the piece very well. The author spins the tables around on the advice of other articles on 'how to' get read and reviewed. Although it would seem that there wouldn't be much difference in a 'how to' about getting read and 'how to' not get read, this one spells out specific areas that bother them and many other members that enjoy reading and reviewing other's work. *Smile*


Thoughts: I have to say that I enjoyed reading this article. I like reading these types of advice items because I can, most of the time, find a thing or two that will help me or that I can pass on to someone else. I don't know how it would fare as a professional article since most of the time they are a bit less harsh and personal. Not to knock your writing, because it is a good article, but I seemed to feel a little underlying rage which made it read more like a rant on what your reasons for not reading another member's work are, but that's just my opinion. I'm not saying that's a bad thing since this was written by you, and, like all of us, there was something that led you to write it. I'm glad you did write it because there is a need for it, and that is the main reason that I chose to review it. You have a lot of great, solid advice in here, and I hope that all those members that choose not to take this site and their writing serious, will see that they have no one to blame but themselves for anyone else not taking them seriously. Thanks for the great read! *Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, C.A. Author Icon. *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.


The story: The story begins with a man sitting impatiently while waiting to see the doctor because he's injured his foot. When he finally gets into his office, he discovers the whole mess has been a huge waste of time. When the doctor leaves the room, he decides that he will take something with him to compensate for the unsatisfactory experience, leaving the reader to wonder what his next step may be. *Smile*

Suggestions:

three on each of the three walls
You may want to rework this a little so that you're not using the same word so close together.

where on has New York
where one has New York

It was only that no one
It was only that no one

when a female crossed the road
You may want to make this just a little clearer because I wondered if he was talking about a human or dog when I read it.

though I must admit
Though I must admit - This is a new sentence even though it follows ellipsis, so it needs to start wit a capital letter.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: You did a good job writing this little story, and I hope none of it was based too much on fact. One thing that I thought it could use was some details about how the doctor was moving the foot when he asked his questions. You have been so detailed in the rest of it that I felt a little cheated in that spot. I loved the ending to your story and now I wonder what his plan was and what will happen next. At least he got something out of the visit, I guess. As you can see, I didn't find much to pick on your story about, and I enjoyed getting the chance to read it. At least your guy only had to wait twenty minutes to see the doctor. My usual wait time is closer to an hour if I'm lucky. Thanks for the laugh today, and best of luck with all your writing. *Reading*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Asylum  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, the prodigal son returns 2024. Author Icon. *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


I am reviewing your item because you're listed in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. and because it's a Member to Member review for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. I hope you enjoy it! *Smile*

The story: This is the story of a young girl named Adelia who has escaped her imprisonment in an asylum. We follow her through a forest as she tries to outrun and outwit her previous tormentors and the creatures that she fears. *Smile*

Suggestions:

You should try not to use a lot of adverbs because they're considered by many editors to be 'lazy writing'. I found quite a few in this story, so I wanted to share a link with you that may give you some ideas on how to avoid using so many.

Writing Blunders  Open in new Window.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed getting a chance to read this little story of yours. You did a wonderful job writing it and keeping my interest throughout it. You have a nice writing style that keeps the story flowing. It's my personal opinion that this piece can only be improved by working through and removing the adverbs, but, in the end, that is your choice to make. Otherwise, I think this is a great story, and I only regret that it ended so soon. I would have liked to have seen Adelia outsmart the creatures on another level instead of her taking the easy way out. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Angels in my Ear Author Icon . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: In this article, the author shares with the reader their reason for reading a person's autobiography. They list two examples of people and facts that has stood out to them, and shared their insights into why a person may choose to cover certain areas of their life while they omit other areas that may be just as important, if not more important, to who they are. *Smile*

Suggestions:

Forth that is where
Do you mean 'for'?

While this information s important
Is this supposed to be 'is' here?

this is a small but fund story
There were a couple of words I thought you may have meant instead of 'fund'. I'm guessing this is just a typo too.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed getting the chance to read this article about why you enjoy reading autobiography. You've done a good job of citing some interesting facts about two people that you've read about. I liked the way you included a little of your insight into why people choose certain topics to focus on, and it made for a nice read. Apart from the few typos I mentioned, and a few punctuation questions, I couldn't find any other flaws with it. Thanks for writing this because it's shown me that this is an area that I may want to read more into. There are some interesting people in the world, and you've shown me that some of them are worth looking in to. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of USCVS  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, sweetmaggie Author Icon. Thanks for requesting a review of "USCVSOpen in new Window. from me. *Reading*

The story:

This seems to be the beginning of a novel about a boy named Oakley, and a girl vampire named Louisa. Oakley is a pretty good guy that feels like he has to prove himself to his peers, and Louisa is the daughter of two vampires that have recently moved in beside him. Although Oakley hasn't paid much attention to her since they moved in, she'd been watching him. When school started, they officially met for the first time, and he thought she looked familiar. By the end of the day he knew who she was, and a bond was beginning to develop between them. *Smile*


Suggestions:

The first thing I noticed dealt with the formatting, you don't need to put two spaces between sentences. You may want to get that taken care of as soon as you can.

Chapter 1

He couldn’t remember her voice or her smile or the smell of her hair.
He couldn’t remember her voice, her smile, or the smell of her hair.
(This line seemed a bit off with the use of the extra 'or' in there)


The outgoing seniors think it is funny to dare the incoming seniors to do something crazy before school starts.
The outgoing seniors thought it was funny to dare the incoming seniors to do something crazy before school started.
(You'd changed the tense in this sentence, and it felt off since the rest of it was in past tense.)


still hadn’t managed to get the nerve to steal
still hadn’t managed to get up the nerve to steal
still hadn’t managed to get the nerve up to steal
(I think you just missed a word here. You needed the word 'up', and I've given two examples of where it would work in the sentence.)


ambled into the closet to grab clothes
I think this might sound better if you added a little detail about the clothes such as 'to grab his favorite faded jeans and a t-shirt', or any other description like that instead of just calling them 'clothes'. It paints more of a picture in the reader's mind.

He could hear the news on in the family room
He could make out the sound of the news anchor's voice coming from the family room
(This seems to add a bit more depth to the sentence. You want to do more showing than telling so that it draws the reader further into the story. There are a few other ways you can write this section that would work really well too.)


A gentleman would offer her a ride, but being a teenage boy, Oakley thought nothing of it as he drove past her toward the school.
(I don't think this really works here. It doesn't matter what a gentleman or teenage boy would do. All that matters is what Oakley did. You may want to think about removing the first part of the sentence and just starting it at the part that deals specifically with Oakley.)

Chapter 2

She had seen him the night before. When he was trying to sneak out of his room, she had seen him.
(This seems a little repetitive since you start out by telling the reader she'd seen him the night before. I can see a couple of ways that you could change this to make it read better. You could either remove the first sentence, or combine the first sentence and the first part of the second one. I think it would work either way.)

father step outside to take the trash out. So she turned her light on
(I believe it would work better if you combined these two sentences using a comma to separate them because she turned on the light because she saw his father.)

She hated being the new kid. Every few years, he parents felt the pressure to relocate and start over.
(This all feels incomplete. Here are a few questions that might help you.Why did she hate being the new kid so much? Why did her parents feel the need to start over so often? What kind of pressure were they under? Why were they under that pressure? Did someone find out their secrets? You may not need to answer all of these questions here, but this would be a good place to allow the reader to get to know more about her and her life.)

You have a lot of great information in this second chapter, but it seems more condensed, and more like facts about the life of vampires instead of Louisa. Since you seem to be planning on making this into a book, you may want to spread out these facts throughout the other chapters that deal with Louisa and her heritage, past, etc. You're just introducing her, so you may want to spend a little more time letting the reader get to know who she is.

Chapter 3

This is a pretty good chapter. I don't think I found anything major to comment on in this one, but you may want to at least look back over it when you edit.

Chapter 4

embarrassed upon going to France and saying wrong?
embarrassed upon going to France and saying it wrong?
(Just a missing word here.)


Notes:

Try to be careful about using adverbs ending in -ly. Most editors recommend only 1 per every 300 words, but it's better if you can use less than that. Most of them can be removed without any problem, but occasionally, you may need to rewrite a sentence.

You should go through your punctuation very carefully. It seems like this may be a bit of a problem area for you, or you just didn't get a chance to go back through it looking for those areas. If this is an area that gives you some problems, New Horizons Academy offers a couple of classes on punctuation that you may find helpful. Registration for the fall semester will be starting soon, so I'll add the link so that you can check out the classes. I recommend only taking one of the classes at a time because both the comma and punctuation classes require a bit of concentration to learn all of the rules.

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1461280 by Not Available.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts:

I enjoyed getting a chance to read this beginning to your book. I like the direction you're going with it so far, and I think it will make for a good read once you finish it. Apart from the comments and suggestions I made above, I thought there was room for you to add more details in places, and the chapters are a bit short. It seemed more like a detailed outline of each of these chapters. I'm sure when you finish writing the rest of it and go back to do some editing, you'll see places where you can add more details and storyline in each chapter. All in all it was a good read and nice start to your book. Don't be upset by the rating because I think you have a nice foundation to work with, and I hope you'll continue to work on it. Good luck with all of your future writing! *Reading*


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*


"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window."Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
10
10
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Thursday--Goodbye Virus! Author Icon. *Reading*

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window. and "Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUSOpen in new Window. [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work.

The story:

This is the prologue to a longer story that the author hopes to write about Adam and Eve. It follows them through their journey and wonder at the world surrounding them. It travels along with the events as most of us have been taught throughout the beginning of time, until they are removed from the paradise they'd been living in. Now they're banished and the garden is hidden because they allowed the serpent to lead them astray. *Smile*


Suggestions:

Both the man and the woman were naked
Both the man and woman were naked (I stumbled here just a bit. The extra 'the' before woman isn't necessary to help clarify who you're talking about, so you many want to ditch it to help keep it smooth.)

They were lean but not thin, built but not muscular.
I can't help but feel like something is missing here to complete the thought. Maybe you can try combining this with the sentence after it so if feels more complete, or add something like 'in all ways they appeared perfect' at the beginning or end of the sentence.

He handed the rest of the fruit to the woman beside him as he savored the sweet taste, resting his head again against the back of the tree, allowing his eyes to close.
This seemed like a little too much in one sentence for me. Maybe you can split it into two sentences. '...sweet taste. Resting his head once more against the back of the tree, he allowed his eyes to drift close.'

And in a place as this, he never could really be alone, even if he was the only of his kind.
And in a place such as this, he never could(could never) really be alone, even if he was the only one of his kind. (It seemed like you were missing a couple of words.)

Everywhere he looked, he saw belonging, a fitting in with the natural way of things.
This sentence seems to be bothering me, and I can't put my finger on exactly why. I think it may have something to do with the word 'belonging'. I don't think it fits right with what you mean. Maybe you mean something more like familiarity or unity. Who or what was fitting in with the natural way of things?

There can never be anything worse.
Here you have a change in tense.

to at least see another of himself
to at least see another like himself

to see one of his own kind, a man as he was
I know how you're using the word 'man' here, but it sounds like you're saying the new person was a man instead of a woman. Maybe something like 'someone like himself'.

for they were one
I felt this was a little repetitious since the paragraph gave the impression that they were connected and bonded together by her creation.

Some squirrels bounded
Think about removing 'some' or try to be a little more specific about how many. Some doesn't tell the reader much, but several, numerous, etc. may work better if you want to use something there.

patch of grass behind a certain boulder
What made this boulder different than any of the other boulders, and how could they see the lamb behind it?

find the best one and take and eat
I don't think the wording here really works. It seems a little plain considering how much detail you've been putting into the story. I think a little rewrite here would help smooth it out.

Neither took more than a bite,
Try not to use the same word more than once in a paragraph. You've used 'bite' three times in this one, and in this part, it seems a little repetitious the way you've written it. I like the idea of it because it lets the reader know they only took one bite each, but it may need a little rewrite.

walking naked with no shame
walking naked in the garden with no shame

As if He did not already know. . . .
He didn't already know what? I know he would have known, but wasn't there a confrontation of some kind? I think something along the lines of he knew what they'd done and decided to punish them by sending them from the garden.

Try to be careful when it comes to using adverbs. Most editors recommend using only 1 per every 300 words, but it's best if you can avoid them as much as possible. They don't add anything to the story, and can be easily removed without any problem, but occasionally you may need to do a little rewrite of a sentence to remove one. *RollEyes*


Thoughts:

You've done a good job writing this version of the events of Adam and Eve, and I enjoyed your writing style. I thought you brought a new twist to this story, and I noticed it is what you hope is a prologue to a book. With that in mind, I was wondering just where you would go from here, and is this going to be a fictional piece? I know there aren't many very specific descriptions of the events, so I think it would be interesting to see how you transform it all into something that will make the reader think about what it could have been like. I'd like to be able to ask myself, 'could this have happened?', and I think you did a good job of making me think about that. Thank you for a entertaining read, and I wish you the best of luck with finishing this piece. *Reading*


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window."Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
11
11
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, Amay Author Icon. *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: Sam is sitting at his desk filling out a report about a fire at the Todd residence when the chief calls him into his office. He'd read the first report, and wanted Sam to fill in some of the blanks that were missing from the strange story. Sam explained as best as he could, but it still didn't make any sense to either of them about what had happened. *Smile*


Suggestions: *RollEyes*

forms and starting filling
forms, and started filling
This is a series of events, so you need a comma.


house and one strange mirror that didn’t burn down with the rest of the house.
house, and one strange mirror that didn't burn in the fire.
Try not to use the same word so close together. It's best to use a word like 'house' only once in a paragraph. You should try to find some other way to say what you mean.


shook my head and started typing.
shook my head, and started typing.
This is a series of events, so you need a comma before 'and' to help seperate them. The only time you don't use a comma in a series is if you write 'and' in front of every item, action, etc.


This report with the one I wrote last month was going to get me thrown off the force and straight into the loony bin.
This report, along with the one I wrote last month, was going to get me thrown off the force and straight into the loony bin.

back of my head, and headed
back of my head and headed
'And' isn't connecting two complete sentences, so no comma is needed. You can't 'headed toward the end of my career', so it's not a complete sentence.

The chief was at his desk, he looked up from his monitor.
The chief was at his desk (doing what?). He looked up from his monitor (Why?).

I squirmed in my seat, there’s absolutely nothing that matches that going to the principal’s office feeling
I squirmed in my seat. there’s absolutely nothing that matches that 'going to the principal’s office' feeling
When did he sit down?


some kind of hoax,” ...bump had been, “well, sort of.”
some kind of hoax." ... bump had been. "Well, sort of."

His eyes never left mine, he just
His eyes never left mine. He just

He leaned forward,
He leaned forward.
This is an action, not a tag line, so it needs a period.


He doesn’t know why, there
He doesn’t know why. There

The chief stood walked around the edge of his desk and sat down.
The chief stood, walked around the edge of his desk, and sat down.
This is a series of events.


that was kind of scarier than Ida
Who is Ida, and what makes her so scary?

but I made sure it was broken
but I'd made sure it was broken

silent one minute and then it was completely engulfed in flames and you were lying unconscious on the front lawn
silent one minute, and then it was completely engulfed in flames, and you were lying unconscious on the front lawn

He’s really messed up,
He’s really messed up.

“Mrs. Green the witness next door
“Mrs. Green, the witness next door

about domestic violence report and shortly after you arrived she called back about the fire.
about domestic violence report, and, shortly after you arrived, she called back about the fire.
I'm a bit confused. Is Mrs. Green calling to report a case of domestic violence, or is she calling to get a domestic violence report from the police?


dressed up in a Victorian style dress
dressed in a Victorian style dress

Mrs. Green said that didn’t know exactly what happened but the woman’s facial expressions changed completely
She said that she didn’t know exactly what happened, but the woman’s facial expression changed completely
Is 'the woman' whose expression changed Mrs. Todd? You should try to clarify that.


west’ and ran back into the house
west’, and ran back into the house

out of there, “Yes sir, I was
out of there. “Yes sir. I was

“Sit down Sam.”
“Sit down, Sam.”

“Yes sir
“Yes, sir
You use a comma before the name in a direct address to that person.

mirror.Sir, this is where it gets really strange, which is why
mirror. Sir, this is where it gets really strange which is why
There should be a space between 'mirror' and 'sir'.


A scene played out in the mirror. There was Ida.”
What was the scene, and what's it have to do with Ida?

“Whose Ida?”
“Who's Ida?”

Apparently Ida wasn’t faithful
Apparently, Ida wasn’t faithful

and apparently I was part of the play
and, apparently, I was part of the play

I struck Mrs. Todd. She’d begged me to ‘stay’ but, apparently I was playing the part of Ida’s husband.”
I struck Mrs. Todd. She’d begged me to ‘stay’, but, apparently, I was playing the part of Ida’s husband.”
Why did he strike Mrs. Todd, and why would she ask him to stay after he did it? How was Sam playing the part of Ida's husband? I think Sam's tale needs a little work to make it clearer to the reader as to what he saw in the mirror, and what his part in the situation with Mrs. Todd was. Was Sam doing to Mrs. Todd what Ida's husband was doing to her as it happened in the mirror?


The chief walked back around his desk and sat down.
As far as I can tell by going back through the story, the chief was already sitting back down behind his desk, so when did he get back up, and why?

under a microscope and he was
under a microscope, and he was
This is two complete sentences, so they should be separated by a comma.


but sir, the police weren’t
but, sir, the police weren’t

It wasn’t Mrs. Todd though, it was Ida.
How did he know?

admitted that she killed her husband
admitted that she'd killed her husband
Past tense.


The look in her eyes, I knew that I was in big trouble.”
By the look in her eyes, I knew I was in big trouble.”

“No sir,
“No, sir,
Be sure to check through all of the story for these direct addresses.


So you don’t know
So, you don’t know

house was gone and the
house was gone, and the

I walked over my desk and tried to pull up my report. It was gone. I guess the chief must have it pulled up in his office.
If Sam was trying to pull up his report from a computer and couldn't, why would he think that the chief had it pulled up on his? Even if the chief had it pulled up on his computer, Sam still should have been able to access it from his computer at the same time.

I got a cold chill would shoot straight up my spine
a cold chill shot straight up my spine

You've used quite a few adjectives in this story. It's best to try not to use more that 1 per every 300 words. Most of them are unneeded and can be easily deleted. Here's an article that explains more about using them.

Writing Blunders  Open in new Window.

It seems like you have a little problem with commas, so here is an article that may be able to help you with the basics.

 
Image Protector
STATIC
So,,,Put A Comma Here,,,Or Not??? Open in new Window. (13+)
Learn proper comma placement.
#1624130 by Winnie Kay Author IconMail Icon



Thoughts: This is a pretty good story, but I did have a bit of a hard time getting into it. I found myself confused about the events that went on with the Todd's home. I can understand that the cops may be stumped about what was going on and a little confused, but it should make some sense to the reader. There were several questions that I asked to help clear up a few things, but I felt that it would have been more enjoyable to me as a reader if I could see how all of the pieces fit together. It seemed like Sam's information was just scratching the surface of what happened. It's supposed to be mysterious, but it seemed to lack a bit of what would really capture my attention, and make me wonder about the purpose of the mirror. I pointed out quite a few punctuation issues, but I didn't get all of them, so you'll need to check back through it and fix those as best as you can. I hope you've found my review helpful as you edit this story. As I said, it's a pretty good story, and with a little more work and attention to the small details, I believe it can be a great story. You have most of the story already written, so all you need to do is fine-tune it a bit. *Smile* *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of The Town  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, A Skylit Chase Author Icon.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: Marco lives in a town where everyone is required to shovel truck fulls of dirt in order to fill a hole. This has been going on for so long that no one can think of a time when they wasn't trying to fill the hole. One day while Marco is on his short break, he notices that he doesn't hear anyone else. He decides that there must be some kind of meeting, so he goes to the Admin Hall, and, sure enough, everyone is there waiting to hear a speaker. The meeting had been called because Towncorp, who owned the town, were going to execute one of the people because he found out the truth and was telling anyone who would listen. More shots were fired after the execution, and after the events, it seems the town got what it wanted. *Smile*

Suggestions:

as well have been invisible, because
as well have been invisible because
A comma doesn't go in front of a subordinating conjunction such as 'because'.


“Today is different though,”
Today is different though,
It's easier for the reader to understand that this is a thought if you put it in italics instead of using quotation marks.


scattered about Town that
scattered about town that
'Town' shouldn't be capitalized unless it is the actual name of the town.


He had a sinister grin on his face that was accentuated by his sinister features.
In this sentence you've used 'sinister' twice. Try to watch out for using the same word more than once in a paragraph.

looks at these anymore.” He said, accidentally out loud.
looks at these anymore,” he said, accidentally out loud.
When you use a tag such as he/she said, yelled, etc. you use a comma unless the speech ends with an exclamation point or question mark. You may also want to think about the wording in your tag. It just doesn't sound right.


to make sure no one was watching.
to make sure no one was listening.
They couldn't hear him if they were just watching.


“I really need to watch what I say out loud” he
I really need to watch what I say out loud, he

and times were his ears seemed
and times that his ears seemed

While he was thinking all of this through his legs
While he was thinking all of this through, his legs

Admin Hall
You should spell this out completely when it's at least the first time you use it.

arms crossed lost in thought
arms crossed, lost in thought
This is part of a series of events, so you need a comma between each one unless you separate them with 'and'.


that was a lie, the mayor hadn’t left his home in 5 years, it was doubtful he had any sort of obligations, besides
that was a lie. The mayor hadn't left his home in 5 years, and it was doubtful he had any sort of obligations besides

if it were the case, would have only taken a minute or so and
if that were the case, would have only taken a minute or so, and

regular schedule, the mayor
regular schedule. The mayor

Yesterday, there was
Yesterday there was

The spokesperson said, with a hint
The spokesperson said with a hint

Because once it is filled we will
Because once it is filled, we will

of our humanity and there will no
of our humanity, and there will no

A cheer erupted from the crowd, the promise
A cheer erupted from the crowd. The promise

Now I know you all would not
Now, I know you all would not

reaction of the crowd it was apparent
reaction of the crowd, it was apparent

bound his hands and feet and a heavy cloth
bound his hands and feet, and a heavy cloth

intensely strained and sweat
intensely strained, and sweat

Ah right, I seem to have
Ah, right, I seem to have

really the crazy ones and you know
really the crazy ones, and you know

The crowd roared, the Spokesperson
The crowd roared. The Spokesperson

crowd was busy laughing no one seemed
crowd was busy laughing, no one seemed

challenged him further he spoke up again,
challenged him further, he spoke up again.

into the trucks the hole never gets filled?
into the trucks, the hole never gets filled?

fired into the crowd and people began
fired into the crowd, and people began

scrambling every which direction
scrambling in every direction

around the city, blasting a personal
around the city blasting a personal

challenge the way things work”
challenge the way things work.”

that was inescapable, the type that is
that is inescapable. The type that is

Once again, the Town won out, and by the next day, things were back to normal.
Once again the Town won out, and by the next day things were back to normal.

I noticed that you use a lot of adverbs in this story. You should really try to cut back on using them as much as possible. It's suggested that you only use one per 300 words, but when it comes to publishing, it's best to stay below that. Most of them can just be deleted without any problem, but some you may need to rework the sentence to get rid of them. I have an article that I think may explain about using them better than I can, and I'd like to share it with you.

Writing Blunders  Open in new Window.

As you can see from my long list of suggestions, I found quite a few comma mistakes as I read through this story. I'm not sure if you have a problem knowing when to, and when not to use a comma because you'd do it wrong in one place, and right in others. If you have a good grasp on them, be sure to go back through your writing to make sure at least the ones you know are correct. There's a lot of rules for commas, but here is a link that can provide you with a little help if you need it. There is also a class offered through New Horizons Academy on the site called Comma Sense that deals just with the rules of comma usage.

Comma Rules  Open in new Window.

You may want to add a rating to this story so that it will be easier to find in searches. On another note, you may want to add something to your bio block in your port. A lot of reviewers like to know a little bit about the writer before they review them, and sometimes when they don't see any info about the writer, they move on to someone else. It doesn't have to be long or personal. Just a bit of something to give them a feel for who you are. *Smile*

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story very much. It was entertaining and unique. At first I thought it might be like a movie I'd watched, but I soon found it going in a completely different direction. You've done a good job telling this story, and I liked your main character, Marco. The flow was very good except in a couple of places, and the ending was a bit of a surprise. I didn't expect for the meeting to go that way, but I guess that there was really no other way for it to end. *Smile* I'm glad I got a chance to read it and offer you a review. I hope you'll find at least a bit of it helpful. Best of luck with your future writings, and I hope I get the chance to drop by your port once again. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of Lucky At Cards  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, TomVee Author Icon. *Reading*

The story: Some cowboys are setting around a table playing card when one accuses another player of cheating. *Smile*


Thoughts: I don't think I've enjoyed reading anything so much in a long time as I did this. I absolutely loved the style you used to tell the story. It seemed so real to what I'd expect from this kind of western writing. I couldn't help but laugh at some of the comments the narrator made about the man who'd accused him of cheating. I don't want to give anything away, but the part about his eye almost sent me into a fit of giggles. That was just wrong on so many levels. *Laugh* It's a really good story, and I hope to see a few more like it in the future. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
14
14
Review of Ink Blot  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Amay Author Icon. *Reading*

The story: Janet has returned home and is dropped off by her driver. She finds a couple of mysterious cards with arrows that eventually lead to her husband's easel with a painting on it. To her eyes it looked like an inkblot, but as she studied it closer, another vision came to mind. When her husband found her, she learned it was something else. *Smile*

Suggestions:

I’m scheduled to be backing here at 7 am.
I'm scheduled to be back here at seven a.m.

Do you want me to come later? Or, I can pick up something for you to eat and some coffee, before I come back.”
Do you want me to come later, or can I pick up something for you to eat and some coffee before I come back?"

Janet said, “I’ll be fine.” She sighed,
"I'll be fine," she sighed.

May I take your bags in?
May I take your bags in?"

looked inside, it was blank.
looked inside. It was blank.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: This was a nice, little read, but I found myself a little confused when I got to the end. In the beginning I thought she was away from home because the driver offered to bring her food and coffee before he left. After reading to the end, it seems that she was returning home to her family and home. My question is why would the driver be offering to bring her something from her own house especially since she was expected by her family, and they would have more than likely anticipated her needs? I liked the bit of humor at the end, and think it would be well worth looking into these areas to see if you feel they can be improved upon. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
15
15
Review of How I Became Sum1  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Sum1's Home Author Icon. *Reading*

The essay: In this essay we learn how Sum1 has chosen his name for Writing.Com. He tells the story of how he first used a similar name on another site and shortened it. The name seems to have developed into more meaning to him now as he points out that he is just another someone in the world, no more special or different than anyone else. He also mentions that he's named his siblings around this same idea. *Smile*

Thoughts: It's pretty interesting to learn how various people around the site have chosen their unique names, and I enjoyed this look into how you chose yours. I like the meaning that you've given to your name, because it can serve to remind us all that we are someone no matter what or who may tell us different. I feel so sorry for your sister having to be known as No1 though, but I guess there just wasn't that many more choices available. *Laugh* This was a fun little read, and I enjoyed getting the chance to learn more about you. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
16
16
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, ~WhoMe???~ Author Icon. *Reading*

The story: A woman has packed up a picnic lunch to take with he as she hikes in the great outdoors. It's the first day of summer, and all seems warm and perfect as she follows a familiar trail. As she sits basking in the sun, having her lunch, she's struck with a strange creeping sensation that she couldn't describe. She looked to the sky as it filled with darkness. As she waited and watched, a strong wind pushed at her and flakes rained down upon her. It lasted only moments before it moved away and the sun brightened the day again. *Smile*

Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story. It made me think of summer and how much I'm really missing it right now. I can't wait to once again feel its warmth. I found this a nice little story to read today as I look out the window at the dreary, cold day outside. You've done a good job keeping the reader in suspense about what was about to happen, and it was a surprise, but it all fit together without a problem. Thank you for writing this story, and I hope how soon winter will be over so I can enjoy summer as much as your character, but I hope I'll not run into the same mysterious event as she did. *Laugh* *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
17
17
Review of Hide & Seek  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, ~MM~ Author Icon. *Reading*

The story: This is told by what seems to be a very young child about an experience that they shared with their friends. The were in an old barn playing hide and seek when one of them came upon and injured animal. The child goes on to explain the whole scene in a child's rambling way. *Smile*

Suggestions:

It looks like you've double spaced after each sentence. You may want to go back through the story and only use one space after the periods.

It Dan was what found
I think you may have a typo here. Did you mean 'It was Dan what found'?

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: After a few sentences I figured out that this story was supposed to be told by what appears to be a very young child. You may want to go back through it and check your comma placement and make sure you have it worded correctly because it seems like there are some inconsistencies in the speech pattern such as the fact they say 'fink' instead of 'think', but they don't seem to have a problem with 'vampire', 'Transylvania', 'Romania', 'Gypsies', or any word that a young child may stumble over. I wasn't sure about the age of the child or their speaking pattern, so I didn't feel comfortable commenting on very much of that. You may need to help the reader to not get confused by adding a note to the top of the story explaining that this is told by a young child, and it may help to know how old they're supposed to be. It's a likable story but it seems to be lacking some of the story. This is just one child rambling on, which is believable, but I left wondering what prompted the last sentence? After reading and rereading the story, I just couldn't figure it out. You may need to add a reason that it happened. There are also places where things seem to be missing. I would have liked to have heard from some of the other characters about what happened. I think it's a good start to a longer piece. It would make a good story for children if some narration and dialog between the children were added instead of it being just a one sided view of the events. Thank you for offering this up to be read and reviewed, and I wish you the best of luck if you decide to edit it. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
18
18
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, J.M.Wallace Author Icon.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: Laura is very proud of winning first place in the church bake off, and is on her way home with her cake. She has a horrible scare when she thinks that she may have ran over a squirrel. It scares her to the point that she pees on herself. As she's thinking unchristian thoughts about other people, she has an accident, but this time she isn't as bothered by it as the squirrel episode. *Smile*

Suggestions: *RollEyes*

I'd like to make a suggestion about your description of this story. This is what most people read before they decide to review a story, so it needs to catch their attention. I think it just needs a little kink or two taken out so it reads more like 'A woman unable to see who she really is may just get her just desert.'

Laura Crimmon smiled reliving the ribbon ceremony at the church bake off.
This sentence is a little off, and it kept nagging at me. There should be a comma between 'smiled' and 'reliving', but you may want to consider rewriting it for clarity. Maybe something like 'smiled as she relived the'.

Now, that was a good honest man
'Now, that is a good honest man'. Since this is a thought, you can put it in italics to show it's an internal thought, and you wouldn't have to write 'she thought to herself'. Internal thoughts don't need to be in past tense unless the thought is about something in the past. I don't think the pastor is dead, so it should be in the present tense.

Laura narrowed her small grey eyes.
Why? Is it because of her neighbors, or the thought of having Sister Evelyn over for dinner? It seems like she's doing it because she really doesn't like Sister Evelyn, and the thought upsets her. I don't think this is what you mean, but it needs to be clarified a bit.

She clicked the the ends of her short
Just a typo. You have 'the' written twice.

manicured nails. Laura frowned, that just reminded her of Patricia
'manicured nails and frowned. It reminded her of Patricia.' The way you have it written, it seems like Laura frowning reminded her of Patricia.

I got a bit confused when she is talking about Patricia rubbing it in her face that she was the event planner. It seems like Laura lost out to Patricia, but then it moves on to Laura being determined that Patricia won't get it because of her vote. There's a conflict going on in this part of the paragraph.

She actually told her later that she had been concerned the project was too much to take on as a first project, but that she had been wrong.
I feel like you should add the instructors and Laura's names in her because it can be confusing as to who said what to whom. You should also try not to use the same word more than once close together, especially in the same paragraph. Try to find another word to use for 'project' in one of these places. Try switching this sentence around a bit to help smooth it out. Maybe something like 'told her later that she had been wrong to be concerned about it being too much for a first project.'

the tiny body, she breathed a sigh of relief.
For clarity, you may want to write 'the tiny body. She breathed...'

Oh, thank you Jesus she prayed
"Oh, thank you, Jesus," she prayed.

pumped through her body and now that the need of it had passed
pumped through her body, and now that the need of it had passed.

Her face burned hot and the sensation spread from her cheeks down her neck and across her shoulders realizing where the smell was coming from.
Her faced burned hot, and the sensation spread from her cheeks, down her neck, and across her shoulders as she realized where the smell was coming from.

Shame swept over her at having peed herself and she fought back
Shame swept over her at having peed herself, and she fought back

She hated getting older and asked God not for the first time
She hated getting older and asked God, not for the first time,

to get a signal from her stupid phone and now here she sat
to get a signal from her stupid phone, and now here she sat
I've seen this mistake quite a few times already. When you have two complete sentences joined by 'for', 'and', 'nor', 'but', 'or', 'yet', 'so', a comma goes before that word unless 'that' follows 'so', or is understood to follow it.
Example: I want to go to the market so (that) I'll have food to eat.


be late to pick up Joey and Mrs. Krutcher charged her
be late to pick up Joey, and Mrs. Krutcher charged her

Rob Turner into her pants and every time, he would go running
Rob Turner into her pants, and, every time, he would go running

smarter than her she could tell.
smarter than her, she could tell

she would have to start walking, Mrs. Krutchers’ had to be
she would have to start walking. Mrs. Krutcher's had to be

stewing in her own pee and it was starting
stewing in her own pee, and it was starting

She needed to take her mind off her wet clothes and reached for the radio
She needed to take her mind off her wet clothes, so she reached for the radio

Pastor Evans sermon
Pastor Evans' sermon

pass for miles and in her present mood, if there was a squirrel in the road, it was just going to die by God.
pass for miles, and, in her present mood, if there was a squirrel in the road, it was just going to die, by God!

change the station swerving slightly to the right
change the station, swerving slightly to the right

taste the salty metallic blood
taste the salty, metallic blood

Thank god for that
Thank God for that

Pieces of moist, dark, cake
Pieces of moist, dark cake

from the top of her head down her body and to her feet
from the top of her head, down her body, and to her feet

In the open palm of her broken and bloodied left hand
When and how did she break her hand?

You use a lot of adverbs (Words ending in -ly) throughout your story and they should be removed. Publishers recommend that you use only one per every 300 words, but they prefer that you use as few as possible. Some of these can be removed without any problem, but there are places where you'll need to rearrange some of the sentences.

Another thing that caught my eye and distracted me from the story was when you used the same words two and three time in a paragraph. Try to avoid doing that. You should try to find another word to use instead.

I thought that things like 'had not', 'can not', and the other non contracted words worked well when we were reading the story from Laura's perspective. It seemed to give her that proper appearance, and it fit her well. I think that where Jenny is concerned, you may want to consider changing those to contractions to help bring out some of her personality. She's just a simple person, so I don't see her using 'could not', 'can not', etc.

After going through your story, I'm not completely sure if you have a problem with punctuation, or you just didn't get a chance to give it a good edit since there are places where you got it right, but then you seemed to miss it in other places. If it's a problem area for you, there is a great class offered through New Horizons called Comma Sense that can help you. The next term will be in the winter if you're interested.

I have a few links that I want to share with you that may help you with some aspects of your writing. I've found that you can't have too many helpful aids when it comes to writing.

Writing Blunders  Open in new Window.


Comma Rules  Open in new Window.

 
Image Protector
STATIC
Creating Motion in Fiction Open in new Window. (13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy Author IconMail Icon

"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

New Horizons Course Catalog (Just in case you want to check out what they have so you'll know what they offer if you decide to take a course in the winter term)
"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.



Thoughts: This is an enjoyable story. I liked the contradictions between Laura's beliefs and actions. This reminds me of a lot of people I know. I was curious as to why you introduced Jenny and focused on her life so much, but by the end, I saw why. It was a surprising and conflicting ending because the reader is led to believe one thing, and we learn another. We see the type of person Laura is, and I wasn't surprised by how she was portrayed, but the ending showed exactly who she was, and the unexpected side of her respect for humanity. You did a good job writing this story despite all of the suggestions I made. They are technical and don't affect the skill you have as a writer. I hope that you find some of my review helpful, and if not, it's your story to edit as you see fit. I enjoyed this story very much, and wish you the best with all your future stories. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window."Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
19
19
Review of The Night Crawler  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Vivian Author Icon. *Reading*

The story: Trisha is enjoying the late evening air that's blowing in from the Pacific. She'd daydreaming about the caves that cover the cliff-front a few miles away. She focused her imagination on the rumors that Japanese soldiers were still hiding in them. She was snatched from her peaceful meditation by an arm forcing her body into her unseen assailant. He forced her into her house and tied her up. She was forced to watch as he piled the table full of food. Once the table was piled high, he took her into the bathroom and shut the door. Moments later she heard a door slam and went to investigate. All of the food was gone from the table when she entered the kitchen. She made her way to the door and locked it. As he rested against it, a knock came from the other side. *Smile*

Suggestions:

I just have one thing that I wanted to bring to your attention. I noticed that you use some of the same words over and over within the same paragraph, and closely together. It's best to try to avoid that. It can be very distracting to the reader. Try to find another way to express the objects that you're trying to show the reader.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I'm always up for a good horror story, so when I saw this in your port I had to give it a read. You have a very nice writing style, and everything seems to flow well from one event to the next. You've paid very close attention to the details of what was happening, and showed them very well to the reader. I can only imagine how much of an impact her discovery that the rumors were true will have on her life. Thank you for an enjoyable read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
20
20
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Prosperous Snow celebrating Author Icon. *Reading*

The story: K.C tries to tell her aunt Lora that there is a ghost inside the refrigerator. Although there seems to be proof of its existence, Lora believes it's the work of K.C.'s imagination *Smile*

Suggestions:

she hadn’t cleaned my fridge out
You have a typo here. 'my' should be something like 'the' or 'her'.

It emits weird noise
You have a typo here. I think you mean 'It emits a weird noise.'

frozen lima bean
You have a typo here. 'Bean' should be 'beans'.

exorcist to dispel the ghost
'Dispel' doesn't seem to fit in with my image of K.C. She speaks like a normal teen, so I was surprised that she didn't use something like 'get rid of'.

wetting neatly on the floor
I don't know how it could be neatly wetting the floor. It sounds pretty messy to me.

in the bathtub
You may want to consider just calling it a 'tub' because you've mentioned the bathroom, and by adding this second 'bath', it seemed to break the flow a little.

lavender scented bubble bath
You may want to consider changing 'bubble bath' into 'soap'. The way you've written these last few sentences, you've used the word 'bath' 3 times, and you should try to avoid using the same words close together, and especially within the same paragraph. Try to find another word to use that will let the reader know what you mean.

Lora glance quickly at her niece
I think you mean 'glanced'.

so after you’re finished you’ll both be hungry.
I think that this is just repeating the idea of what K.C. making two sandwiches mean. It really doesn't do anything for the story.

In the meantime,”
Typo. You're missing the beginning quotation mark.

You may want to go back through the story and check your punctuation to make sure it's correct, specifically your comma placement. I think there are a few missing or in the wrong spots.

You also may want to consider going through and removing all of the adverbs that you can. You've not overused them, but they're not necessary to help your story along. I could see in each place that you used one that they could either be completely removed, or a minor change could be made.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I was looking for a fun little read when I happened upon this story. The title and description caught my attention, so I had to have a look at it. I enjoyed getting the chance to read it, but my only complaint is that it was over too soon. I really wanted to know if Lora ever found out the truth. I think you ended it well and at a good place. Even though it's not needed, I could see you doing so much more with this story if you chose to lengthen it. Thanks for an enjoyable read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
21
21
Review of Fighting Myself  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, LG back to the writing board Author Icon. *Reading*

The story: After Sarah comes home from school, she follows her normal routine before she goes in search of her two best friends, Billy and Steve. She finds them on the ground fighting as usual. She scolds them and demands an explanation, but neither give her one. She has some serious news that she has to tell them, and it breaks her heart to have to share the news. When she leaves, Steve tells Billy the truth about what's happening. *Smile*

Suggestions:

thought to herself as she stood by watching Billy
The flow is off a bit right her. I'd suggest removing 'by' to make it 'thought to herself as she stood watching Billy...'

feed the cat and check on her then off to play with the boys
This is a series of separate events, so you need a comma before 'then'.

was such a tom boy, always
was such a tomboy; always

wear pretty dresses but Sarah did not have time for all that
The 'but' is separating two complete sentences, so a comma goes before it.


Sarah when did you get here?
Sarah, when did you get here?

Billy meekly asked
I'd suggest removing 'meekly' or moving it to after 'asked'.

Oh it ain’t nothing, we were just playing
Oh, it ain't nothing. We were just playing

Unsatisfied with the answer she knew
Unsatisfied with the answer, she knew

What took you so long anyways Sarah?
This is a direct address, so you need a comma between 'anyways' and 'Sarah'. 'What took you so long anyways, Sarah?'

loved to act like so. Talking like such was only one of the ways she used to show off her older status.
You may want to consider changing 'so' to 'it' to help the flow, and remove this last sentence. You're just repeating what you've already told the reader, and this seems more like you're trying to explain why she does this to us.

What are you talking about girl?
This is another direct address, so a comma goes before girl.

Steve hated when he thought
I think you may be missing a word here. 'Steve hated it when...

Sarah what is going on
This is also a direct address, so a comma is needed after 'Sarah'. Sarah, what is going on?

as he pulled her closer, Steve always the protector
as he pulled her closer. Steve had always been the protector.

said good bye and walked away
said goodbye, and walked away

Dad and mom were talking last night and mom
Dad and mom were talking last night, and mom

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: This is a really fun story to read. It got a little sad when Sarah told the boys her news, but I think it has a wonderful ending. I really enjoyed it. The only things that I could find to comment on was dealing with punctuation. Some of the flow is off a bit, but I think that is just because of the punctuation. You may want to consider combining words such as 'did not' into 'don't' to smooth it a little, and making sure there aren't any extra words hanging it up. I did also notice that you've broken up a sentence with a comma in some places where it may be better to put in a period so it's two sentences instead of one. Otherwise, it was very fun to read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window. "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
22
22
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, J. A. Buxton Author Icon. *Reading*

The story: The reader is plagued by a few different dreams about their first car going missing. In each dream they know where they parked it, but when they go back to retrieve it, it's gone. There's another recurring dream that is mentioned about an elevator that in some ways was connected to the car dreams. *Smile*

Suggestions:

The only thing that I found that seemed to throw off the story was the repeated phrase, 'The car is gone!' It seemed unnecessary, and I felt that it brought the part before it to a complete stop which upset the overall flow. *RollEyes*


Thoughts: This is a good story, and I enjoyed getting the chance to read and review it. I liked the dreams, and you did a good job with most of the descriptions. I would have liked to have seen you expand more on each dream and give me some idea of how you felt when you found the car gone during these time, if you happened to find it in any of the dreams, or maybe hint a little about why you would spend so many nights dreaming about the car going missing. I know there is a word limit, and I think you did a good job considering that it had to be kept short. I felt also that it could use something to lead from one dream into the next to smooth it out a bit. It seems kind of like a list of your different dreams instead of you connecting the dreams on a more personal level that the reader can really connect with. You have provided some of this when you tell about where the dream takes place, and give a small bit of information, but it seems a little stiff. I think it's well work taking the time to go through it and add more detail to those places, and smooth out some of the little bumps when you get a chance. Thank you for a nice little read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1717656 by Not Available.

"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window.
"Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
23
23
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Winnie Kay Author Icon. *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


You are being rewarded by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUSOpen in new Window. [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work. If you'd like to contact us or request a review of one of your own items, feel free to visit "Reviewing Reviewers Public ForumOpen in new Window. [E] and let us know!

The story: Alice is a single woman who lives alone with her cat, Max. Her life seems quiet, ordinary, and peaceful. When she finishes putting her work things away and changed into her lounging clothes, so turns on her computer. While she waits, she hopes that the guy she talked to the night before will be online. Sure enough, he is, and they start talking. Eventually she leaves the conversation to feed Max and thinks she hears a strange noise. Something about the conversation between her and her new friend starts to go through her mind. Once the cat is fed, she returns to the computer to read over their messages. It was her worst nightmare come true. She checked the locks again and grabbed her pistol before calling the police. By the time the police arrive, it's too late to prevent the tragedy that they find at her apartment. *Smile*

Suggestions:

flipped the light switch
I'm not really sure that you need 'light' here. Of course, she could be flipping any kind of switch, but since she just entered a dark room, I assumed it was the lights.

positioned her purse onto its designated
This seems a little off to me because I associate 'positioning' with moving something around until it's exactly where you want it. This feels more like she has a place for it, so that's where she put it down. I think something such as 'settled'(arranged) her purse 'into' its designated...

that guy Larry is back
This feels a little more formal than the rest of her speech in these lines. You've used contractions in the rest of it, so this seems to stand out.

the can half open, and listened
A couple of little things bothered me here. I'm guessing that she was using an electric can opener, and those things are kind of loud, so unless the noise she thought she heard over it was even louder, she might not have heard it until she was finished opening the can. Another thought I had was how did she get the lid open to get the food out if it was only half open. Unless she pried that sucker open she couldn't have done it, and it would have been a little harder to get the food out. She'd have to spend time scraping it out.

Suddenly, the figure aimed
I can see so many other possibilities that would work better than this adverb such as 'As she watched', 'Before she could blink', etc. Or you could just remove it. I'll admit that I do have a serious fixation on adverbs. *Laugh*

was her loaded .38 she purchased
Perhaps 'was the loaded .38 she'd purchased' would work better. I assume that the gun is hers since she bought it.

as she gripped the gun.
This would be a good place to give us a little glimpse of the gun. Something like 'as she gripped the (description) handle.'

apartment unit just as shots
Maybe 'apartment complex' since you have a 'police unit' would work better.

step against the wall
Can you step against a wall? It sounds a little confusing and awkward. Perhaps something like: 'go stand by the wall.'

and slowly removed
I know you know what's coming here. *Wink* You could try something like: 'and slid the', or just remove it.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed this story, surprise ending and all. Poor Alice. It's a shame that she was trying so hard to get her life back together, and a simple little typo did her in. I liked the individual personalities that you gave each character. You did a good job with that. I could tell that Officer Daniels was pretty worn out with dealing with her, and what he considered her overactive imagination. The pacing was nice, as well as the flow, and I didn't feel there was too many things that distracted me from enjoying it. I got a little nit-picky during this review because it's a wonderfully written piece, and I'd like to think that I've given you a review worthy of all of the wonderful reviews that you give others. It's very well written and is appropriate to today's technology. It seems like there are a couple of good lessons to be learned from this story. You can never be too careful when it comes to dealing with people online. You don't know who you are talking to when you meet someone in a chat room, and it's best to always try to protect your personal information. There are some dangerous people out there. Thank you for writing this story, Winnie. I hope I'll get a chance to come back and visit your port again. If you decide to edit, I'd be happy to come back and read it again. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1717656 by Not Available.

"Newbie Help And Support GroupOpen in new Window.
"Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
24
24
Review of A Morning Visitor  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Hello, Toby Author Icon. *Reading*

The story: A man goes in search of an old flame. When he doesn't find her where she used to live, he does some checking and finds her new address. He goes to her house and sits in his car for a while before he makes up his mind to go and see her. Memories run through his mind as he debates on knocking on the door, and then he hears her voice. Looking through the picture window, he finds her and sees what changes have happened in her life and how happy she is. *Smile*

Suggestions:

You may want to go through the story and change the formatting by separating it into several paragraphs, with a blank line between each, to make it easier to read without the reader getting lost.

Go over your story and look for comma errors or missing commas. It's a common mistake and they are easily overlooked.

(attached to the two big arms) (I don't think this is needed since I automatically realized that the feet must belong to the man with the big arms.)

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: When I saw the description of this story, I had to read it. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be, but it was good. You did a good job writing it from the first person point of view. I did question the need in describing things over and over. It made him sound a little threatening which wasn't what the story was about. I liked the ending. It was a nice change from what I would have expected. Thank you for writing it and sharing it with the WDC community. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Image Protector
GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group Open in new Window. (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon

"Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
25
25
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, luminous1 Author Icon.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Congratulations on being gifted half of my package in "Hopes, Dreams & Wishes AuctionOpen in new Window. Here is the first of your two reviews. I hope you enjoy. *Bigsmile*

The story: It's Valentine's Day and Alex is standing in Wal-mart trying to find the perfect gift for his new girlfriend, Tori. He's well known for his inability to give a good gift, so he's worried about what he should get her. After much debate with himself, he makes up his mind, pays for his purchases, and leaves the store. After hurrying to his car in the downpour of rain, hoping to get to Tori's house on time, his car won't start. When he finally beats it into submission, he has to go back into Wal-mart because he forgot to get the flowers he bought, but they were gone. He's now got a short amount of time to get to Tori's house, but the weather gets in his way. He finds himself sitting out the wind and rain on the side of the road. He's now late, and to beat it all, the old woman in the car behind him can't get her's started. She comes to him for help. From there, things seem to continue on a downhill slide, but things eventually turn around for him. *Smile*

Suggestions:

She is so beautiful. She has russet hair in a disheveled bun that fires out in every direction. She has sparks in her eyes that light up everyone around her. She could get the shiest person in the room to talk to her. (This sounds more like a list and is a little too stiff. Perhaps something like this: She's beautiful with her russet hair pinned in a disheveled bun, firing out in every direction. The sparks in her (color) eyes lights up everyone around her, and her personality draws even the shiest person to her side.)

but she didn't care and I didn't care (but neither of us cared)

fields were so mushy that brown footprints were tracking throughout the typically spick and span white Wal-Mart floors. (Every Wal-Mart store that I've seen has a large asphalt parking lot, so I wouldn't think there would be a lot of mud tracked in. Well, I guess they could if a lot of the shoppers walked through the fields to get there, but why would they, and their feet would probably be pretty clean by the time they crossed the parking lot.)

ran out of the store for my truck. (I think you may have meant 'car' here since you go on to talk about a Camero in the next paragraph.)

buying a stereo system and radio (I don't think you need to mention 'radio' here. I think that it's included in 'stereo system'. When I think of a stereo system I think of speakers, radio, amp, and whatever else they can find to go with it.)

needed to buy a new engine, but engine's cost a fortune (I can see where you're going with this part, but it doesn't feel like it works with some of the other things you have written. They say the car used to be a piece of crap and so they had spent several thousands of their savings to fix it up. It was bought at a junkyard, so it may or may not have ran when they bought it, but I would think that it would have needed to run before he invested so much in making it look good. Is there some reason the engine is failing now?)

I was about to pull out when I stopped. (This doesn't sound quite right. Why did he feel the need to check for the flowers?)

The clock read 7:20, and I was supposed to be there at 7:00 (The time doesn't work out right. When he went back into Wal-Mart, he had 30 minutes to get there on time. I'm guessing by the time he got back to his car, he may have had around 20 or so. Next he sits on the side of the road for several hours, but here it sounds like he is only 30 minutes late.)

I flipped it off, and the pitter-patter (I flipped it off. The pitter-patter)

igniting her car engine, but her blue Chrysler Neon's wheels didn't move ('igniting' makes me think of setting it on fire. Why would the wheels move if the car wouldn't start?)

put on repeat, and it turned off (put on repeat before she (gave up and) turned it off)

“I do,” I said. “Would you be willing to take a look at my car?” “Let me take a look at it for you.” (This conversation doesn't feel real to me. First of all, he can't even seem to keep his car running right, so how can he say he knows anything about getting a car running? She asks him to take a look at her car, then he offers to take a look at her car. His second response should probably be something along the lines of him agreeing to look at it for her.)

pulled open the engine, examining it (I think you mean that he pulled open the hood to examine the engine before checking everything else.)

She ignited the car and the wheel still didn't turn (She tried again to start the car, but the motor wouldn't turn over.)

my newly painted bright yellow Camero, (When you talked about him fixing it up before, I thought that was sometime not long after he'd gotten the car. How long has he had the car?)

Later that week, I found a 1985 Camero (I found my... Otherwise, it looks like it could have belonged to someone else and he stole it.) *RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed the story and you did a good job writing it. The poor guy seemed to have quite a few problems considering how much effort he was trying to put into giving his girlfriend a nice valentines day. There seemed to be several inconsistencies as far as the time line went through all of it. I wasn't sure of his age, so later on it caused some confusion about when he'd gotten the car and had the work done. I thought he must have been at least in his twenties since he used his savings to fix the car up. If he had the thousands of dollars while he was still in his early teens, why did his parents buy him the car? Couldn't he have taken his savings then and gotten a better car instead of pouring all of that time and money into what seems to have been a piece of crap? The flow wasn't quite right in a couple of places. I think I noted them above, but one really sticks out in my head, but I don't have any suggestions on how to rework it. When he talks about hating his car because it either runs or he's left in a cornfield seems a little wordy and stiff. Otherwise, it's a good story that needs just a little going over to help build up the story and make it clearer in some places. I'm glad that everything worked out in the end. I'd hate to think that he went through all of that for nothing. Don't be discouraged by my review of your work. It is a really good story that I'm glad I had the chance to read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



Image Protector
GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group Open in new Window. (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon

"Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
119 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 5 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/missy0201