I thought that this poem started off strong, but the ending seemed to just drop off to me, mainly the last stanza...
I like the style in which it's written, the flow doesn't seem forced to me at all. The impression I had from reading this, would seem that the character wants others to know that their life is hard, and it takes a strong person to fill their shoes. Perhaps decisions that the character has made have seemed harsh or irrational, but the character is reaching out for understanding, not condemnation. You never know the reasons as to why a person does something until you've walked in their shoes. Just my impressions, though. ;)
This poem is terrible. Not in the way in which you first thought when I wrote that. It's terrible that the abused has become the abuser. It's very well done, great flow. Maybe bold HAND at the very end to drive the point home??? I really liked the way in which you capitalized certain words in order to make them stand out.
I absolutely adored this story. I can't agree more with the simply fact that life is full of illusions and not all of them have a place in reality. The finish of your short story ended on such a funny note, made it a fantastic morning read. Great eye with detail. I honestly couldn't see any mistakes, even with my glasses on. :) Glad you entered the contest, this was definitely worth sharing.
Good LUCK!!
PS. Where I grew up, we had a similiar scenerio, we called it 'The Devil House'. Apparently anyone who entered, had similiar bad things happen to them. Honestly, it was just an old, abandoned farm house, so this story had a special charm for me. lol
I must agree with you, not on everything, but on the basic principles you write here. It seems to me, that the life has been drained from characters and has been replaced, quite literally, with trash. I find it to be more common within movies, only because it's in my face continously, and it seems the majority of my friends are too lazy, or too ignorant, to want to read any of the greater literary classic. Orwell and Huxley are virtually unknown to anyone my age now (Animal Farm and Watership Down are personal favorites of mine). I'm a selfish writer myself, my goal isn't to sell, more to explore those areas of myself that I'm too shy to express in any other way but through writing. I enjoyed reading this. Thank you so much for sharing.
VERY entertaining.
I practically spit out my drink when I read "but then, imagine a world populated only by politicians. Probably best it ends now." SO TRUE!
I love these apocolyptic stories. I find myself not getting enough of them... Something so simple as water recycling breaking down, is highly believable. The fact that it's all men up in space, ironic. HAHA!
I can't imagine a worse way to die than imploding out in space. It speaks volumes, at least to me, about the emotional well-being of your character.
I absolutely adore your lizard at the end. I'm thinking ('thinking' being the word used here---watch out, that could be dangerous) that you're insinuating that humankind was always the problem. I think the little lizard deserves to be finally happy, don't you?
Wow, this story is amazing. I love it for the simple fact that it has made me think and that you have taken someone who may seem so simple and monotonous, and have made them into someone complex and enigmatic with so many layers, that you NEED to know more about the old man. WHY is he sitting on this bench thinking so much? Did someone or something drive him there, or was it a choice? If he did come back to reality, what would he say, what would he do differently? Would anyone listen to him if he were to come out with something truly profound, or would they treat him as always, with an aloof sort of acceptance. I really enjoyed this piece and I can't thank you enough for sharing it. It's quite simply, INSPIRING. GREAT WORK!!
This is what I gathered from reading your poem, James. The girl was a summer fling, and now that the man looks back on that fling, he regrets not pursuing it. Where it began with her wondering about him, now it's him wondering about her. Because of the way he treated her, she takes it out on future relationship, and because he can't get over her, he never moves on. This poem is filled with regret.
Errors in your poem
Minor things, such as spelling.
'Thats the reply' could be 'That's the reply'
'Tommie's not a man, she's a girl I know' could be 'Tommie's not a man, she's a girl, I know'
'They call it a whim, know as desire' could be 'They call it a whim, known as desire'
'It's the last weak end of the summer' could be 'It's the last weekend of the summer'
I sense in your character that he/she has a false image of themselves, which goes hand-in-hand with depression. That feeling of being different is painful, that they feel isolated and alone in their feelings, their thoughts. He/she seems confused as to if they were want to committ suicide, and if they did, would it even make things better? Indecisive, raw with emotion.
I think a great many people who suffer with depression, will relate strongly to this poem.
The fourth stanza is the most powerful part of the poem, in which you write, 'That I cannot be honest when I say that I love you, Is the deepest pain I have, and it rips me right in two'. It almost feels like the character is wearing a mask, trying to please everyone around him/her and worrying about pleasing others and saying what they want her/him to say, that it's draining the soul right out of the character. It definitely reads like it was a slow progression to get to that state of mind, and now that he/she is there, they are finding it even harder to retain that sense of normality in their lives because they've lived so long without it.
This has great feeling, and I feel like you have provided people with an insight into who you are as a person. Not many can accomplish that with so little. I love it. I hope to see more insightful poems just like this one. ;)
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