The story idea is good. In my personal opinion, it would be better if the turkey "spoke" in his mind. "Will tomorrow be the day? I wish I could escape."Even a greeting between the two turkeys and having them talk about the corn would give it depth and added interest.
This is a nice story. Yo keep the reader's attention well. You display the caring nature of this feisty woman clearly. What a joy that she and the wife of the sick man she gave her bed to got together afterwards.
This is a clear memory, written well. It could be improved if you wanted to lengthen it to include more of your dad's humor and positive honesty. Being married to a man like that, I know a lot more went on than the bare facts told, even in these simple situations .
I would like to comment on your format. You put no spaces between the paragraphs. It makes the story look cramped. Having white space between paragraphs make a story look more inviting and more pleasant to read. I used to write my stories with no extra spaces, and find they work better with the extra space.
A well crafted story. It starts out simply enough, and draws the reader into the action. The initials before the names obviously had a meaning, which I obviously didn't know. So I ignored them. They could easily throw a reader off.
You build the tension well, and ended it without leaving the reader flat (a problem I had with my early writing). Tis could easily be a chapter in a book.
An interesting memory, written clearly. However, making it all one paragraph makes it hard to read. There should be spaces breaking up the narrative to make it easier to read. This is especially important if you think poor sighted people might want to read it. Formatting a story is as important as what you say in it.
This was very confusing to me, as there weren't enough tags to let me know who was saying what. You pulled me in with the introduction, but the dialogue lost me.
having lived many years in the wilderness, I can relate to many things in this story. You paint a vivid picture of the experience. I felt it went slow in the beginning because you gave so much information at once. After you started interspersing dialogue with the descriptions it went much better. Maybe you could rewrite some of the beginning with dialogue that will still tell the story. Something like a conversation between you and Mark planning the trip. The middle of the story is very good. You carefully describe the trip and your encounter with the rattlesnake.
Once you started telling about the reflected light in the eyes, I felt you separated me from the action. You said it was adrenaline pumping, but you didn't make me feel it. Again, it is mostly description without much conversation. After your detailed description of the rattlesnake encounter, it seemed flat.
I understand that writing a memory is harder than writing fiction. Usually my attempts to write a memory don't reflect my skill as much as writing a fictitious scene. This is a very good story, and the experience was definitely unusual. I just think you could make it better with more descriptions of your feelings, and more dialogue reflecting the fear you all felt.
You have some good descriptions, and you keep up the tension. I have a bit of trouble believing the woman described would actually be that desperate for a beauty potion. The spurs and her clothes seem to imply a hard life where survival plays a larger part than our modern times. Having live the primitive life, I can tell you I didn't place my looks nearly as high as she put hers in your story. Besides that, the story is good until the end. There, we are informed she will be an addition to his shop. But there weren't any figurines or pictures that would suit a beautiful woman. The only foreshadowing we have is the shadow on the floor, and her beauty would make no difference there.
This story has potential, and is enjoyable if you don't think about the two points I brought up.
This is a good start to a larger story. It was a bit hard to get into, like too much info coming too fast, and I had to read it several times to get the drift. Once that was past, the rest flowed beautifully, and made me want to read more.
This lighthearted praise of parents is an enjoyable read. I had to read stanza seven several times to get the meaning. Stanza ten is also a bit confusing because of your limitations in rhyme forced you to phrase it in an unusual way. I'm no poet, and can't comment on that, but I liked the poem and the nostalgic look at Oaklahoma.
A love poem that isn't cloyingly sweet or coarse and crude. I'm not a poet, so can't review on the crafting of poetry. But I like it. It is interesting that this love poem was inspired by a song that spoke of lost love.
The juxtaposition of the daffodil and the cemetery reflects the theme of death and rebirth. Explaining that the daffodils will grow and reproduce in a place where death is perceived to be in control echoes that theme.
Your descriptions are beautiful, giving sound from the snow and the owl as well as sight. Questions--who is the he who was still up? Is there conflict that caused her to need to go and ponder? I expected to see some remark about the invisible "he" in the morning. It left me feeling bereft, like something had been shown and taken away. It is a wonderful description. If you intended it to be more than gorgeous nature and a refreshing sleep, I missed it. I think you have potential, but this piece doesn't do it justice.
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