Hello! I'm Minna, and it's my pleasure to review your work.
First thoughts... beautiful. The words are simple and touching, and the poem flowed with grace and cadence. I love your thoughts. Often, we come across bits of writing that make us feel a heart swelling sense of peace and gratitude. Your poem enveloped me with emotions too sacred to be expressed in words.
I love the divine submission that flows inside the poem. The mother is placing her child in the hands of the Divine without complaints or curses. Her goodness of spirit and courage of heart elevates her to touch God's heart and respond to the melody that flows within. And then, she realizes that under those white wings, her child is safe forever.
I send you my prayers for your son. May he get well soon.
"you'll have his nicest memories
as solace for his grief."
Did you mean 'his grief' or 'your grief'?
"and from the throngs that crowds
life's lane. I've selected you"
It should be 'throngs that crowd' or 'throng that crowds'.
"hate me when I come to call to take
him back again."
I feel this looks better: "hate me when I come to call
to take him back again."
"But, should thy Angels call for him
much sooner than I planned,
I'll brave the grief that comes
and try to understand."
Throughout your poem, you have used 8 syllables for the first and third lines, and 6 syllables for the second and fourth. There are deviations, but this is the general pattern. But here, the third line has only 6 syllables and that somewhat obstructs the flow. I suggest you change it to something along the lines of "I'll brave the grief that comes to me
and try to understand."
Also, the title and short description can be crafted more vividly. They should give the reader the first whiff of your writing, and lure them into the cool gushing stream of your thoughts.
Your poem is simple and heart touching. I love every bit of the goodness that flows within it. You are an earnest and talented writer, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
The little suggestions I mentioned are for you to use or discard as you see fit. Just remain true to your muse and write on!
There is a heart warming 'something' in this poem. It's vague... an image painted misty. I feel it needs a crisper and clearer portrayal.
The beautiful title "Summertime Peace" promises some deep and warm writing. This is just my personal opinion, but I think the short description should charm the reader, pulling him into the magic of your writing. Your description simply does not fulfill that role. I think it can be better crafted.
"And in the summer, everything will be okay again"
The opening is weak. Starting the poem with 'and' sounds incomplete somehow.
I like your poem, but it sounds more like a first draft than a polished piece of fine writing. Dwell more on the colours, smells and sounds. Paint it vivid. Let a sweep of love, thought and intimacy brush across the poem. If you do a rewrite, do contact me as I'd love to read it.
Catch the ideas fluttering by your head!
Write on!
Minna
The poetry is powerful. Sin and its consequences... an always relevant theme. You have captured the iron hand of Nemesis forcefully. The last three stanzas are the most effective in portraying the ultimate emotions which lie in wait for the sinner; guilt, shame and regret. I'm captivated by the theme of the poem.
The rhythm is excellent and the words flow with an underlying grim tone. You are truly gifted in making poetry flow with majesty.
"Can you see it in our eyes?"
I felt that this opening does not do justice to the powerful theme of the poem. "Can you" feels like some kind of a mild request uttered by a child rather than by a cruel sinner whose conscience is beginning to torment him. Try something more dramatic and forceful.
"The distant void, which once had hoped,"
I like the "distant void". It paints the emptiness and listlessness in the sinner. I don't get what you mean by "which once had hoped". Could you try making it clearer?
"Revenge a dish served cold,"
Interesting... why do you visualize revenge as a "dish served cold"?
"We would change the past of course!
Live earnest and get old."
The emotion here touches me, but with a little more effort it could wring my heart. The sinner's longing for a guileless life can be painted much more vividly here.
"The scales of life, it reckons
I will take my final breath."
The sinner is now facing the terrible truth - death. Is he committing suicide or going through a natural death?
Your idea is great. Try to bring in more depth to the description of the sinner's frustration and hopelessness as well as his longing for innocence. Why not make a comparison with a guileless creature - a flower or a child? His emotions while approaching death can be much more deeply captured as well.
Your vision is the heart and soul of the poem. The excellent rhythm and flow makes it musical. With a little more focus on the emotions, your poem can wring anyone's heart.
Catch the ideas fluttering by your head!
Write on!
When Pygmalion carved Galatea, he wanted a beautiful statue. The perfect statue. When Venus brought Galatea to life, he carved another image in his mind; the perfect woman. He overlooked her nature in favour of her beauty. He forgot that she had a character of her own and saw only her face. He suffocated Galatea, now no longer a statue, with his love. That brought him despair in the end.
I like the beginning of your story the best. It is told in that days of yore style which I'm very fond of.
A novel theme. I've always loved stories that blend mythology and morals, as I often feel the olden legends heartless. So, I like your story. Passions, emotions, dreams, desires... these make a person that person, not beauty. Spending an eternity with someone who doesn't know your true nature is nothing but stifling. I love that thought.
I have a few suggestions. Galatea had gone to Venus's temple eight hundred years ago. Why did she take so long to understand her answer? What brought about her sudden revelation? I felt that these questions went unanswered in the story.
Also, Pygmalion's total ignorance of Galatea's nature can be painted more vividly. Galatea's bitter despair and anger can be made clearer as well.
Overall, I like the mythological rhythm of your story. Just sharpen these points to strengthen its pulse.
Catch the ideas fluttering by your head, and as always, Write on!
Minna
Proud Storyteller
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/minniebird
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 12:36am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Write on!