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Hello Isabella !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
The grammar was almost difficult to read. I HIGHLY suggest using a grammar checker in the future such as grammarly to edit your work. There was so many errors that I didn't even get thm all in the editing process. Below is a copy of your story with my suggestions added in red.
Mother, father, brother
[add comma] and sister (
[ remove space ]not including the cat and dog).
[sat shouldn't be capitalized, and there shouldn't be a period here. This is one sentence.]Sat by the fire to cook their hot dogs, Smores, and also to ward off the occasional wind from the mountain's lake in the summer season. After eating, the mother thought it would be fun to tell a ghost story since the children were now old enough. I can't be certain
[makes no sense]if be told be before, here
[again, makes no sense-->]through story goes:
[Remove space between quotation and T]" There is an old mansion in the bayou of Louisiana.
[missing an article]Mansion was built by a pirate who was reported to
[incorrect grammar for the entire sentence] have hid some of his treasure in his house. The treasure was never know to have been found after the pirates death. The
[ locals ] local believed the old pirate watched over his treasure even after death. Years passed, and the waters
[crept] creeped further up the land causing damage
[comma] not only to the land
[comma] but also to the once beautiful mansion itself. One day
[comma] a weary traveler came upon
[article] old mansion to rest for the night. He was sleeping soundly when he heard a sound,
[ the sound should be set apart and in italics] rap. He listened for a minute and heard nothing. He was just about to go back to sleep when he heard it again
[comma] but louder, Rap, Rap. This time
[article]young gentleman,
[doesn't need comma] got up from the sleeping bag he laid down on
[doesn't make sense] a very worn, French coach and looked around the room a moment. Tired as he
[makes no sense]was give up soon and laid back down. Before he could lay his head down, he heard even louder Rap, Rap, Rap. By this time the young man was on edge and decided he would leave if the noise
[continued] continue on. As before
[comma]the noise stopped. He was just about to sit down, when he heard louder than ever, Rap..Rap.. "
The mother, looking at her two children,
[this part doesn't make sense]knew that had become drawn into the story and time was now.
She jumped at the
[ children ] Childern's at this time while saying "Raping Paper!".
[wrapping paper is spelled this way if you're speaking of r]
Once the
[children's ]children hearts returned to their normal pace, the mother told her children that because of all moisture over the years that the
[wallpaper] wall paper
[grammar] had finally was coming lose [loose]from walls and making the
[rapping]raping noise.
[remove "that"]That the young gentleman tore out of house
[comma ]drove away, never to visit that place again.
WORD CHOICE:
I suggest going back through your writing with a thesaurus; they are our best friend! Avoid boring, dull language. Get rid of overused words! It would truly improve your writing to spruce up the wording a bit.
CHARACTERS:
I really don't have too much to say about the characters because you didn't give the reader a chance to get to know them
POSITIVES:
What I liked most: I like the idea of the story. It could become something really great if edited well and rewritten
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
My Suggestions:
Use Grammarly for grammar and spelling
Use a thesaurus
Reread and edit your work
CREATIVITY:
So, the idea of the story was creative and a really great foundation. Build from that foundation and it could become an original, wonderful story.
Overall Opinion:
The plot of the story has potential, but it was butchered with grammatical errors. The language was dull and filled with overused words. Don't be discouraged though, there are programs like Grammarly that will correct grammar and spelling for you. There are also free classes sometimes through WdC that you can take for grammar.
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