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Hello Maryann
I've just had a read of your short story titled: My Mother the Star and here's my review.
While attempting to provide a well balanced and positive critique of your work, my overall aim (as an aspiring writer here too)is to be encouraging as well as being helpful, honest and supportive.
Thanks for sharing your work.
* HOW I FELT / EMOTIONS INVOKED:
Captivated and definitely curious enough to want to keep reading.
* HOW I RELATE TO THE WRITING:
This sort of threw me back in time - of living a fun-filled, idyllic childhood, free from 'grown-up' worries. A point in time where the child reveres the parent(s) and places them on a god-like pedestal from where they believe that their parent(s)can never do any wrong.
* TITLE:
My Mother the Star. A well chosen and appropriate title that encapsulates the entire theme of this story.
* STYLE:
A good narrative piece from the protagonist point of view (POV)that cleverly combines persuasive and descriptive writing styles to produce a story that flows seamlessly. Well done!
* VOICE:
A strong voice evident throughout the entire story. You most certainly have your very own unique voice.
* PLOT:
The story is based on the narrator's childhood experiences of living with a celebrity film star mother in the 1920's.
* CHARACTERS:
The narrator and her mother.
* DIALOGUE:
Not much dialogue used here as this is a monologue of the narrator's thoughts.
* TIME:
1920'S
* PLACE:
Possibly in the USA?
* SCENE/SETTING:
The story is based on the narrator going down a trip on memory lane of her idyllic childhood, living with her mother a celebrity. Descriptions of the activities she performed with her mother such as shopping, following her mother to her filiming sets, meeting her mother's work colleagues and other celebrities were the norm of her life.
She also takes us through the darker parts of her and her mother's lives where they were faced with snobbish and prejudiced neighbours who were envious of their lifestyle and didn't fully comprehend why the narrator's mother lived her life the way she did. We learn also that the narrator as a child learnt to develop a 'thick skin' and ignore those who looked disapprovingly at them.
* MY LIKES:
This is a well thought out and planned story. It's an easy read and the writer cleverly combines the three main styles of writing here: Narrative, Descriptive and Persuasive writing. As a reader, I found myself experiencing the narrators life rather than just reading it. This makes the story so real and believable. Well done.
* DISLIKES:
None.
* FAVOURITE LINE(S):
It's hard not to like everything written here. Nevertheless, I've got a couple that really stood out for me:
Being from a celebrity family definitely makes my life interesting, and in addition to that, I’m so glad that I was born in this time. We have technology in our roaring 20’s that people years ago couldn’t even dream about. Many people in our neighborhood own automobiles. We own a Ford Model T. Mom took me shopping in it the other day and we had such a wonderful time. First we went to a ritzy store because mom wanted a new dress from her favorite fashion designer, Gabrielle Chanel. Chanel also makes a perfume now, so mom bought that, too. Mom says that she is not finished dressing unless she puts on her perfume. I love the sweet aroma when mom walks in the room. She now wears the Chanel fragrance a lot, and I relate that special scent as part of my mother.
Well, after we left that fancy store, we went to a bookstore to buy some books for me. Mom and I enjoy reading together, so we thought we should stock up. We bought a poetry book by Robert Frost, and “The Great Gatsby” by F. Scott Fitzgerald. We also bought a newspaper. I like to read the funny pages, and mom, of course, likes to read about herself and what people are thinking about her movies.
Soon our shopping day was over and we started for home. On the drive back, I looked up in the sky and I saw an airplane! We send mail by airplane but mom said that upper class people sometimes ride on planes, and we, in fact, would be taking a trip in a few months. I wondered all the way home what it would feel like to fly in a plane. I will see the world the way a birds sees the world. The clouds must look like cotton, and the houses must look like dollhouses! I am definitely looking forward to that dreamy experience.
Now what child wouldn't want to experience all of that with a parent? This is an example of a child that was cherished and love - something that all children deserve from their parents. Irrespective of the obvious wealth of her mum, we see how much love there is between them both and the bond they share. Now I feel like going back to relieve my own childhood!
* AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Okay, although I find this piece an excellent read, I did find myself in a twist with the last paragraph:
Last semester I got an “F” in science. This was very weird for me because I have always been an “A” student in everything. My mother was furious that I suddenly got an “F”. My teacher seemed very disgusted with me and wanted to see my mother. I went with her and waited outside of the classroom. In my mind, I pictured the scene that would occur. My mother would seem to play out the scene from one of her movies. My science teacher would hold the tearful woman tenderly as they discussed the future of the devil tainted child. To my surprise, I instead overheard raised voices from inside the room. My mother’s voice seemed raspy and low toned with a quick edge to it. I heard her actually ask my teacher what is wrong with her teaching! She went on to say that no other teacher ever had a problem teaching me. She wanted to know what methods the teacher would use to improve her teaching, so that I can learn properly. I was shocked! Part of me never wanted to step foot into that classroom ever again, and part of me realized that my mother must love me very much.
You need to explain further what really is going on here. Regarding the bolded bit, why was the narrator shocked? So much that she never wanted to step foot in that classroom again? What did the mother do that was so wrong?
Are you telling us that the narrator was never really an 'A' student, but simply scored those grades because of her mother's influence? If so, then how? Did her mother pay the other teachers to ensure her daughter scored A's in her subjects? Or was there some sort of sexual favours exchanged between the mother and her teachers?
What exactly is being implied by this sentence: My mother’s voice seemed raspy and low toned with a quick edge to it. I heard her actually ask my teacher what is wrong with her teaching! So, did her mother teach her science but was not very good at it? If so, then why did she go on to say that her daughter never had any problem with the teaching methods of the other teachers?
See what I mean? I think you need to clear the confusion about who teaches the daughter / the teaching methods (of whom??) employed...
* MEMORABLE WRITING:
At home, my mother is just like everyone else’s mother. She listens to the same jazz age music on the radio that everyone else’s mother listens to. She especially likes Al Jolson, Duke Ellington, and Bessie Smith. Sometimes if she works late, I turn on the music and tell her to rest while I fix dinner. It’s easy for me now that Birdseye makes new frozen food products. Some tabloid psychoanalysts, who are dedicated to following Dr. Sigmund Freud, try to claim that she must be a bad mother, but that’s just not true. No matter how tired she is, she always spends time with me. She taught me quilting, and we are currently working on a new project. The Sigmund Freud followers could try to calculate the personality of my celebrity mom all they want, but I know how she really is. I’m proud that my mother is a silent film star.
Hard to forget this bit. Here we see that beneath all the façade, her mother is just like any other ordinary person.
* ADDITIONAL COMMENTS:
Apart from the confusion with the last paragraph, this is a truly wonderful piece of writing. I found no spelling mistakes or grammatical errors with this piece as the writer has taken great care.
Please remember that these are just my suggested views and opinions for improvement which you may choose to implement or discard as you wish.
Wishing you all the best and keep up the good work! Well done.
Cheers,
Mimizz.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  . |
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