First person present tense is perhaps the toughest mode to write. I did notice you fluctuated between present and past tense. A little overuse of adverbs. i.e., Quickly, Promptly. Would a note written "in a hurry" be folded? I don't know. Sometimes you are using unnecessary phrases. It detracts from the flow, to say things like " I began to doze off as I anticipated the sunrise". Sometimes you used "began" when maybe it would have better to use "continued"; for instance, after thay had eaten their sandwiches, they did not begin their jurney again. They continued their journey. I'm sorry, but if you were this young man, meeting this mysterious woman based on a mysterious invitation, would you walk silently with her, or would you be bubbling ovith questions?
STRONGEST SENTENCES:
This was a new experience that I hoped would bring me inspiration which I desperately needed. [this is a continued idea already established earlier, but reinforcing the main character's qualities]
“I've watched you from a distance for a while. You seem to have a spirit for adventure. You are brave and reliable. All are qualities I needed for this trip.” [this leads to many questions. Excellent "pull" the reader deeper into the mystery. How and why has Emma been watching him? And of course... what is the purpose of this trip?]
WEAKEST SENTENCES:
The look on Emma's face was that of worry. [how about: "Emma now looked worried"?]
This time Emma seemed more alert and wary of any noise. [You used "more", but made no reference to a prior condition, so you really have nothing to compare with.]
*** There is a lot of potential here. Keep working at it.
This was helpful and encouraging. Although I write poetry, I am not seeking to become a published poet. I would imagine that's got to be one of the hardest to genres to break into print successfully. I would compare it to attempting to publish a book of short stories. Unless you have published a novel or two and achieved some notoriety as a published author, the chances of selling a book of short stories is about nil.
I think you have a GREAT idea about the focus on mental illnesses; but even moreso, a solid point about identifying a specific market... giving your intended audience faces. Every author needs to do that with every piece they intend to publish. Without prejudice, there are certain generalizations one can make about any particular people. i.e., my experiences working with people with traumatice brain injury has taught me that short term memory loss is almost universal. So, if I were writing for that intended audience, I should factor that into my material.
There is a distinction bewtween writers who write for themselves and hope that someone can relate to their words, and the author who writes what they know, but considers their readers in everything. I believe that distinction is a critical factor when it comes to the difference between writing for a hobby and writing for publication.
Also, once a book is in print, today's authors must also be public speakers. You must go out and meet your readers, connect with them, teach them and learn from them.
This piece was well-constructed and useful. Thank you for writing it. Kep writing!
Ann,
First of all, I love your username! Now to this piece...
Very interesting form, pattern (and by that, I mean the ascending and descending word count). I'm guessing that was the point of this experiment. Well done! Sometimes word order shifted must be to work to form poetry. The challenge in that is to still communicate clearly. You did that well. One line left me wondering though: "do not say".
Wrader,
I enjoyed this. It's inspired me to write something about my experiences learning to drive.
Hey, was the KSU you mentioned Kent State University? Are you originally from Ohio, or is that a university in Kansas (I noticed you mentioned moving, followed by references to Kansas)?
I didn't understand the reference to NASA though.
Keep writing!
Norton,
First, welcome to WDC. The more you become involved in groups and other activities here, the better writer you will become.
Now,
This is interesting. The strongest part, in my opinion, is:
"When I look into the mirror I can always see the lines.
They both divide and hold me together in a fragile balance."
However, there are a couple of spots that seem to me to be a little rough yet::
"I have experienced and learned many things to no end.
But they are what make up each of us and our uniqueness." These lines don't seem to fit into the context of the rest of the piece.
and...
"They will finish my picture and immortalize my existence" I'm not sure I know what you mean here."
Always remember that a BIG chunk of writing is RE-WRITING. Less than 1 in 100 things you write will require no revision. That's one of the great benefits of this community. Valuable feedback from our peers will help us become more objective about our own work. Also, I want to not only encourage you to continue writing, but also READ other authors' work. It will make you a better writer! Keep writing!
Philly,
To address the content first:
The strongest line, in my opinion, is: "So traveling the closed road lead to a(n) opened heart." That was good, REAL good!
While it is true that the beauty of nature can be awe-inspiring, I'm afraid I got confused by some of your references, for examples: "or mounded mother breast", "the miracle of key and ignited engine fire", and "Too long in such a place of such awe, one could fall into a mystical union, the too sensuous dance with the Beloved and disturb the inner frail, human balance of mind and spirit. Ego could become the hovering flies, needing only to be ignored. Body without ego is an awakening not tolerate by material star stuff." I didn't understand the part about the hands either. My admitted ignorance and confusion about these and some other parts was very distracting to me, hindering my enjoyment of this piece.
Now, just a few style points:
There are several cases (one is in the STRONGEST sentence example above), where you used "a" when it should be "an".
Also, was the switch from past tense to present and then back to past tense deliberate?
I guess I had mixed reaction to this work. But it is clear that you are a gifted and passionate writer, and so I say: Keep writing!
As a writer, I can very much relate to the people-watching. I've always called it "thinking like a writer", because I have imagined people's life stories or situations just from observation. It didn't matter about accuracy, since it's my imagination anyway. I've written some pieces based on these observations.
I'm also a pool player, so I have done some of these observations in pool halls.
This was an interesting piece. The segment about Will's church experiences could maybe be a little shorter, though. To be honest, after reading it twice, I was left wondering about Will's call of "unbeliever". Was it the man or the girl?
Overall, I liked it; at least partly because I could relate.
Your chilling story had an interesting unfolding, as if being spoken rather than written, told by someone with unusual word order. This was not distracting; in fact, I thought a unique voice it was given by this.
"In the dank cave the rays of the rising sun vanquished darkness and banished frost." This was a memorable and powerful first sentence. Good work.
Grace,
First of all, a belated happy WDC anniversary.
Next, I like this piece. A minister friend of mine used to say: "There's two kinds of pain- the pain of change and the pain of remaining the same. Most people choose the latter because at least its familiar." "Invalid Item" has the recurring theme of changes.
One thing I would suggest:
"The years have came" should be "The years have come" [very minor thing]
I also want to encourage you to build more in this folder. Perhaps play more on the double meaning of the name "Wisdom of Grace". I'd love to read more like that. I saw your comment about grace in the spiritual newsletter, and I was reminded of a teaching theme that I did on New Years Eve in a teen overnight at my church, and the idea has actually shown up in some messages preached on a few Sunday mornings after. In Biblical days, they didn't even name a child until he/she was 8 days old. The name carried meaning and was arevelation of something of their actual character and identity. That's why God often changed people's names when He dealt with them. Their new names reflected more accurately who they were to God. We have lost so much of the importance of the meaning of our names in our culture today. What a blessing that you recognize yours!
I see that you are a member of the group I'm in "Invalid Item" . Also check out:"Christian Writers Workshop" .
Well done. You express a common, maybe even universal to some extent,experience. This is what we writers do. We ask the questions. We issue the challenges. We speak our minds, even if some may not understand.
Walking a path that holds no meaning, purpose, or sense of destination can seem drudgery. There are two possibilities, basically. One is that we need to change our direction. Or it may be that our vision is narrow, and we need to stay the course, in hopes that we will someday see more clearly why we were on that particular path.
Bill, You did it again!
"I did the same, as the night quickly flowed back in to claim its territory, and pooled around us in a heavy blackness."
"In spite of its shabby condition, the Grandson place did not have the air of a ruin; in fact, it didn’t appear empty at all, as did many once-noble but now decrepit buildings; somehow it seemed vital, alive. If a house could be said to have a human attitude, an emotional aspect, then this house was angry, very angry—furious, in fact."
"I heard screaming, but it took a while before I realized it was me."
Sometimes, a well-turned phrase or vivid description using extraordinary words can evoke strong emotion, i.e. fear. These are some of the best examples of that from this piece (in my opinion).
Hmmm...
"run's" - does the apostrophe-s mean "run is" or showing possession (as in belonging to "run")? Or did you mean "runs"?
I'm not sure I get how the unicorn stands for their love.
Just one more what might seem negative (though that's not the intention): "It’s spectacular coat shining towards us" sounds awkward.
Now, you've worked to create a visual image of an imaginary scene. That can be very hard. But its a noble effort. I believe that even in an imaginary scene, there needs to be something real, something that readers can say: "Yeah, I know that." I see that you've done that with a meadow, woods, and moonlight. I would suggest more description, and [and I think this is a biggie!], give the unicorn a gender. It doesn't matter which, and it doesn't matter that the speaker probably would not be able to discern. But what it does is transform the creature from "it" to give the unicorn more character. Try it. Substitute he/her/she/him (whatever) everytime you use "it". Keep writing!
Interesting. Dark. You have the voice of a poet. I assume you are at least in part writing from your own experience, as you show some knowledge of the subject. Even though I'm not sure what the dragon is, I like the recurring reference. It gives the piece continuity. However, it seems to lose focus (almost like it has left this poem and visited another) when you wrote:
My steps were shadowed by men in white suits,
Prescription-pushers, petty bureaucrats,
Seeking to sanitize, brainwash, baptize -
I evaded them and grew ever stronger.
Now, a question:
"succoring"- what does this word mean?
This segment I think is by far the strongest stanza:
I have traveled as a snail, bearing
My house upon my back, searching the world
That lies beneath - the sunless lands where
Shades sadly sway to long forgotten songs.
Keep writing. Don't let anybody try to discourage your honest expression because it might make them uncomfortable.
Well done. You are completely right. I've actually had some interesting conversations lately about hearing God's voice. In fact, I'm going to write something about it within the next few hours. Come check it out in my port in the next few days. It'll probably have a title something like: "I'm Sorry, Were You Saying Something?"
Isn't it interesting how when we pay attention, God will use the strangest things to teach us something? Keep up the good work!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
DUB,
Neat idea.
Just a few suggestions:
1. Train was not only undergoing physical change as the dust, dirt, and rust fell away, but it seemed his attitude was changing. In the beginning of the story, he didn't want to help anyone, but he did it (I think) because it was his job. When he helped the other train on the mountain, you described it as a bother for him. I guess my point is that I would have liked to see a little more emphasis on the changing attitude.
2. If this is intended to be a story for children (of all ages, that is), I would suggest giving some names to chraracters. For example, the little girl. I love good children's stories, and I believe that great lessons can be taught through the simple.
This would be awesome with illustrations, don't you think? I liked your story.
arnielenzini,
Interesting... So, Kate was a psycho, or was she actually some kind of spiderwoman? Were the spiders on her ears earrings or actual spiders?
Actually, I only had one problem with the story: It seemed like a drastic shift for Jeff to go from not wanting to respond to Kate's sexual signals, to pulling her to him. I would have liked to have seen even just a sentence or two explaining that transition.
Good story.
Eliesa,
Excellent! When I first started writing poetry 35 years ago, most of them were actually songs. Many poems/songs went unfinished and have vanished over the years. Cretivity was sqelched for me by the "rhyming trap". I struggled to try to stay in the rhyming idea. But eventually, I discovered that my best poetry does not rhyme. It was a liberating revelation for me.
Eliesa,
Awesome job! I'm going to post my review comments in the forum as well.
I appreciate your work. Keep reading and reviewing. Think about content, but also examine styles, recognize the authors' unique voices. It will make you a better writer!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 8:25pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
