I imagine it is really hard to write a complete story with such a small allowance of words, but I would say you did a pretty good job. There was a clear beginning, middle and end here and it was entertaining as well.
Just a few small things that I noticed while reading...
"His long, dark hair, rested on his shoulders." I don't think that you need that second comma after hair.
"Something grabbed hold of me, within." I think it may sound a little better if you added (from) within. That's simply my own personal thought though :)
I would maybe say "ahold" rather than just hold in that same line.
"Then I noticed his eyes. "---with this line I would maybe use next instead of then, only because you started a new paragraph with this line.
"In his embrace,
I realized what he was, and was given my deepest desire. " With this line I'm not sure if you meant for it to be written quite like that. :) I would maybe even use the word "vampire" again here, just to reiterate the desire.
Overall I thought you did a pretty good job with this short story. You used nice descriptions and detailed the events well. I can't say that I've ever wanted to be seduced by a vampire, but you made it sound kind of inviting!
I like this reflective poem. I especially liked your last stanza- There is so much truth in those words for everyone to relate to. Very beautifully expressed.
"the Past cannot be changed,
but it needs to be remembered." Definitely my favorite line :)
I have a friend who writes little poems like this- no real structure, just thoughts and emotions... She calls them Chaotic Ramblings.....I really enjoy the laid-back and personal feel that poems like this hold. It is evidence that you can pull off a beautiful poem w/ out a structure, form or rhyme. I thought you did a great job~
I didn't notice any errors w/ spelling or punctuation. It all looked perfect to me! Very nice little write- thanks for sharing!
I like the calm, serene feel to this poem. I pictured little whisps of smoke rising through the words as I read- kinda crazy!
Anyways, I really like that there is a mysterious, intriguing quality to it as well. You lead your readers to wonder what exactly you must be cleared from your heart and mind. I like that you just dance around it w/ such lines as "lake of emotions"- "past hurts" and then simply w/ refering to prayer.
I just really enjoyed the words you chose as well-the descriptions.
"evening shadows dance"
"a crystal sheen"
'soft breeze"
The above lines just add to the soothing effect of the poem. Very beautiful and soft words~
The poem was a simple but very powerful journey for me as a reader as you went on your own journey from doing something wrong, to realizing it, to dealing w/ it through prayer and then the forgiveness.
My only suggestion or thought would be with punctuation. I know that punctuation with poetry is a touchy issue and something I feel should be left up to the writer. You seperated your sentences/ lines into stanzas which gave the breaks and pauses throughout the poem so punctuation isn't as important. Though, personally I would still add periods and a couple of semi colons just to kind of group certain stanzas together or the opposite- to set certain stanzas apart.
I sit outside
as evening shadows dance(.)
I take a moment to reflect
upon the lake of emotions
I call my heart(;)
To have a crystal sheen
it must be cleared
of all past hurts(.)
Darkness has fallen
and I gaze at the stars(.)
Closing my eyes
I begin to pray
to the Divine(.)
A soft breeze
comforts me(;)
I feel at peace
with myself(.)
The prayer
has been heard(.)
That is simply my thoughts on punctuation so don't take it personally. You did a nice job with the poem and honestly, I don't think you need the extra punctuation-That is just how I would do it :)
Well I'm giving you a 5.0...I'd give ya a 10 (5 for the limerick and 5 in rebutal to that horrid & inaccurate review by Kelnius) but they won't let me!
I most definitely liked it! I write a lot of different forms of poetry, but I have to admit that the limerick is one that I just haven't been able to master. They are definitely some of my favorites to read- I just can't make one sound good. I really liked yours. It was uncharacteristic of the form in one respect( the first one), but very fitting in the other!
I enjoy the humor in these types of poems. It's just kind of off beat and all. I had to smile at your line "Maybe not; but that is my threory"....
I also liked the "Jumping in it, they hid.
They got caught. Now they're pushing up lillies." Very nice ending and explaination of the beginning! I definitely like them put together.
Anyhow, so nice job w/ it! You should give yourself more credit w/ the poetry. Mastering the iambic meter is something that I still struggle w/ and I like to think of myself as a half way decent poet :)
And it was just getting to the good part!! I definitely think you should go ahead and finish it- you really drew me into the story thus far!
But anyway..You did a nice job presenting your characters, giving just the right info at the proper times. I was just thinking of what you wrote in the very beginning- about the "colorful" characters. I think you have a nice variety of them in your story. That is always a plus for the reader- enjoying the characters and their personalities. Definitely an important part of a good story, in my opinion.
There were just a couple of small things I noted while reading. Minor things that really don't change my positive thoughts on the story but I just figured I'd mention..
-In the very first paragraph you wrote, " and because of this there were just as many of those passing through who"....I would almost put a comma b/w "because of this (,) there were just".
-In your second paragraph you wrote, " She grew up at sea, and as the daughter of Captain Fairgrey the Fearless, all Tortuga knew that there was a force to be reckoned with behind her, and she had become virtually untouchable" ...
I would maybe suggest leaving out "that there was a force to be reckoned with behind her" and perhaps replace it w/ "all Tortuga knew she was a force to be reckoned with and she had become virtually untouchable" The phrasing there just sort of tripped me up. I know what you were wanting to say, the "force to be reckoned with behind her" just felt a little awkward.
But overall, I think you did a fantastic job creating and telling this story. I'm definitely wrapped up in it and I'd love to know if indeed you end up finishing it! I just want to say that my suggestions are humble, merely my personal thoughts. I'm not a story writer, at least not a very good one so my words can most likely be taken with a grain of salt!!
Wow, Diane. That one packed a punch!
It almost feels to me that you have much pent up guilt for choosing to save yourself. You shouldn't. That final decision wasn't yours to make. From my personal experiences, I think that you made the right decison. It is a very hard thing to deal with and be able to get through. And just like you said "Now I live on, wondering" It is something that will never be completely forgotten.
And even though it is horribly sad that things ended the way they did, your staying would most likely not have changed the ultimate outcome. It is something that I've learned after having dealt w/ an ex boyfriend. He attempted suicide 3 times during and right after I ended the relationship. By all rights, the last time he shouldn't have walked away. Someone was watching over him that night when he drove a stolen car into a tree doing 60 mph. His recovery was slow, but as far as I know, it changed his life for the better. But in the end, he had to make that decision on his own. I don't think that those who have never struggled w/ the thoughts (my self included) will ever completely understand why suicide seems like the only option.
But anyways, I thought you did a good job with the poem. I like the way you used "dance" throughout the poem. It seemed to tie the beginning and ending together nicely. I don't have much in way of suggestions-no spelling or grammer errors found.
The only thing that I'd venture to say is that you could possibly improve the poem as a whole w/ a more consistent meter. Your lines vary quite a bit in beat and length.
And
With "and this time, one had your name on it." I would maybe suggest leaving off the "on it"...It just kind of throws off the natural rhythm to that particular line.
But really, I'm almost digging for suggestions as I think the words speak for themselves in this one.
Wow! Not exactly the ending I was expecting by the title, but indeed Jack got what he wished for!
You used descriptions very nicely, allowing me to build images in my mind as I read. I thought you did a nice job with your dialogue as well. It was very natural-sounding.
Just a couple of small things that I noted while reading-
In the line, "he knew that liquor would soon be his best friend if he didn't get a grip soon", I would try and elimate one of the "soon"s. Maybe "he knew that soon liquior would be his friend if he didn't get a grip" or "he knew liquior would be soon be his friend if he didn't get a grip" You could do it several different ways.
In the line, "the dreadful sound of his phone ringing caught him by surprise, but, finally, didn’t prevent him from continuing his course." I would almost just remove "finally" altogether. I understand what you are going for w/ the line, but it just reads a bit rough.
Don't be bothered too much by my suggestions. They are merely that, suggestions! Overall, I thought you did a nice job! Definitely keep writing~
I really enjoyed that poem! For real, I'm not just "being nice" as you said in your email :) Believe me, when someone thinks an item needs work, they will definitely tell you! I've had some people give me very low ratings and big. long reviews detailing each and every mistake in my poem. I've found that it is more so w/ the specific forms, I think just because the rules are a bit more strict and demanding. I always try to utilize those reviews and become a better writer, but sometimes the honesty is hard to swallow, ya know?! But anyways, on to my thoughts....
I love the journey that you, yourself go on as well as the journey that you take your readers on. I like the use of the vanilla & chocolate-vanilla swirl in your beginning and ending lines. To me, it almost stands for starting with a pure and almost naive beginning w/ the wholesome vanilla, but by ending w/ the wholesome chocolate-vanilla, you have a gained a more educated and well rounded view or something like that. By keeping the word "wholesome" though, it really keeps that innocent and pure idea. It says that though you opened your mind and soul to gain life experience, you didn't loose any of the positive qualities from the beggining. Does that make any sense??
Anyhow, you made wonderful use of punctuation throughout the piece. The commas, periods and semicolons always make a poem much easier to read and help to keep the pace. It is just as much a tool for the reader as it is the writer because the writer can control (guide might be a better word) the reader through the poem at a set pace, allowing for the proper annunciation and of each line as the writier intended. I sometimes am really bad at usuing punctuation, especially on my older pieces. After reading & reviewing so many poems though, I've really come to be a fan of punctuaion.
The only thing that I noticed w/ your poem is the syllable count of your lines. I'm not 100% sure, but I think that the Terza Rima calls for 11 syllables in each line. For the most part I counted 10 syllables per line, some w/ 11 and I think one w/ 12. I would have to go back into my notes and find out for sure about the 11 per line. Even w/ the varied syllable count, you maintained a very even flow and that is definitely a good thing :)
I truly hope that you continue to write poetry. You are off to a brilliant start for sure. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, this poem was very well written!
You have an amazing way of taking out the soft and gentle side of love and replacing it with a dark and thirsty aggression. On one hand it is so passionate and on the other it is so desperate and sad. I love it!!!
I love the mixture of emotions as well. It is almost as if you thrive on the emptiness and pain left inside.
I love the lines
"You love me to death, smiling as my soul cries.
Using my dead flesh over and over in passion.
You are wet with my parasite infested blood."
Very powerful and I would say accurate descriptions! I love the use of "dead flesh" and "parasite infested blood".......
I truly enjoyed this piece. A very different way to look at a heart forever destroyed by someone that was or still is a lover. Almost like an addiction or something. I just like the way that you look at it, the different emotions it draws out of you. As I said before, I would write a much different piece on a similar aspect of love. But I love the way you go about telling your tale.
Wow....I'm not really sure what to say 'bout this one. I've never actually read something quite like it before. I thought it was great-I can't imagine writing something like it. I couldn't do it but you seem so comfortable w/ the deep and dark thoughts. I think that is cool.
You placed very vivid images in my head w/ your words and I really like that in a poem-it's something to connect w/ regardless the subject matter.
There is a sad irony in it as well. Almost as if there was something alluring, almost appealing lurking there and the transition was faciliated by someone/something close. But once the line was crossed there was nothing but pain and evil dwelling there.
There were a couple of lines that I thought seemed slightly out of the natural rhythm, but not so much so that it made the piece awkward to read.
You definitely did a nice job with this one!
Michelle
So I love the flow of emotion in this piece. The pain and desperation is so apparent. Your descriptions gave me chills! There was such a fury of emotions and I pictured a dark whirlpool twisting fiercely around and around.
The only line that stood out to me was
"You were so wrapped in yourself all that you couldn't see"
I'm not sure why but this line just doesn't fit together as smoothly as the rest of your lines. I'm not sure if it is the word "all" or what. But anyways, not that big of deal to me-I understand perfectly what you are saying.
My favorite part, I think would have to be
"I will die, live then die again, a tide never ending, always moving within my raging pain, created by you"
It really makes the endless cycle of pain clear. You are forever trapped w/ in its grasp. And I also like how you don't beat around the bush w/ "created by you"....Saying it as you did firmly placed the blame and I just liked it!
So yeah-
I thought that you did a great job with this. It was well written and I liked the fact that there wasn't a particular rhyme. It was just a swirl of emotions.
That was such a lovely and endearing story! From what I've read, ocean fishing is something that, once you get it in your blood, it is forever alive inside. I like to fish, but I live in the middle of the United States and have only been to the ocean once, so the lakes and creeks around here will have to do for me!
I don't really have much in the way of suggestions. The few small mistakes that I noticed are fixed simply with a little proof reading! One spot was in the paragraph where you were talking about buying supplies and watching the fish dart. "This in turned caused".....An extra "ED" stuck in there :)....
I noticed in a few places your spacing was a little off, mostly with the indentions at the beginning of paragraphs. Very, very minor things for sure!
I loved this account of your first fishing trip, how it came about and the start to something you'd enjoy for years to come!
I have to give you credit for creativity in this one. I've never once even thought about a nightmare about a goat.....I actually had to chuckle after I started reading. I like the attitude that you give to the doctor-kind of pompous. And also the excited, concerned and anxious personality of the patient is good as well. You definitely did a nice job of developing the characters and their personalities.
I like the setting of a therapist's office. I would be there too if I kept having a dream about a goat! I actually had nightmares of a witch when I was younger. It wasn't that the witch was scary or anything, 'cause she didn't do anything but stand there or lay there in some cases. It was that she was every where I would go, there watching me. She never said anything either. This story reminded me of that.
Anyways, I think you are off to a really good start with this story. It is definitely unique and appealing to read.
I know that you said that it's unfinished and everything, so I would suppose there are still edits to come. I don't have much by way of suggestions I guess. Just your basic proof reading things such as spelling and punctuation. The one word that stuck out to me was "Ambian"....I think it's actually spelled AMBIEN...I only know that 'cause I was on it for a while.
I might suggest putting a few words in italics just to put a little extra emphasis on them. Like in the last line of the first paragraph maybe put the word "goat" in italics as if to stress that part of the question, just because it does sound kind of odd and I think that is what the doctor is thinking as well. And then maybe with the question "what do you think this goat will do"--maybe put "do" in italics....And so on-
Just a little something extra for the reader I guess.
Overall, I really enjoyed this read. Something kinda fun and a little strange is always nice. Definitely keep working on it-it will turn out wonderfully!!
Harry,
First off I applaud you for putting your political views into writing to share w/ everyone. It is definitely a controversial subject and many will not take such a firm stand in what they believe.I do agree with the points that you brought up in the poem. It is like you put my own opinions into words!
I must say that I liked the additional rhyming that you used in the poem. It would have been great w/out the rhyme, but you pulled it off well. The message is powerful enough, but the extra rhyme gives it a more poetic quality.
I also like the way you started each stanza with "The America of my youth"....It really gives power to the fact that those we elected to represent our country abused the power that they were given and went against everything that We stand for in doing so.
Thank you for sharing this piece with us. It is quite powerful and should provoke thought within the hearts and minds of everyone that reads it.
I really like the flood of emotion that comes from this poem. I think that we all have felt "burnt out" a time or two- I know I have! I like the way each stanza tells a story all its own, but also fits perfectly with the rest to create the poem as a whole.
I love the 3rd stanza.
"Life caught me sleeping during the important lessons"
---Sometimes we are unaware too, of the lessons to be learned until after the fact. I've always said that we have to make our own mistakes rather than learning from the mistakes of others. I don't know why but that tends to be true-maybe it's that we all sleep through the first round but then wake up with our own mistakes. I've noticed with so many things-relationships, illness and such- that people don't completely understand until they have been in someone else's shoes. I think it is similar with life's lessons.
"I was sure I would get what I needed. Caught off guard; my heart was dreaming"
-It is almost like saying I didn't think it could happen me. Or how did this happen?
It seems like when we get to a point in life where we feel comfortable, we just hang out there until something or someone forces us out of our "dream". Sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad, but we just have to take it in stride, learn from it and move forward without dwelling.
I don't have much in way of suggestions. With poetry such as this that is full of personal emotions, stong feelings and reflections, I like the free verse of the words. It seems more real and not fabricated or altered with rhyme and meter.
The one thing I would suggest would be with the line "burned out being wrong" Maybe a "from being wrong" or "with being wrong".....I'm not sure. It just doesn't run as smoothly as the rest of the lines.
I'm glad that you shared this poem. It really made me reflect on issues in my own life. It's amazing how poetry does that!!!
I love these kind of stories! It is kind of crazy how certain events spawn into such stories that are remembered and passed down through the generations. And just as you said, some details are almost always left out or changed a bit, but the outcome always stays the same. I think everyone has one or two of these stories of family lore.
I liked the fact that you included the recipe-it gives your story a little something extra!
Very cute-I had to chuckle!
So I like the way you repeated the "bean" lines every third line-it helped to tie the whole thing together nicely. You did a great job forming the rhymes around those particular lines as well.
I read it once just to read it, and the second time kind of put a beat to it. Your words have a really good flow- bouncy and up beat.
In my opinion(which doesn't always amount to much) there were only a couple of places that were a little off in rhythm and just basically the first few words of those particular lines. Like in line 3 "If there's" caught me up a bit as did "As long as" in line 12.
All in all, I think you did a great job with the piece. It was a very enjoyable read!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/michelleburke
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 10:32pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
