It's a good poem. Sad, very sad, but good. I also feel bad for the innocent victims of every war, but can't let that shift my belief that Israel has the right to defend itself and the understanding that Hezbollah is more than partially responsible for a lot of civilian deaths by hiding munitions in homes and attacking Israeli soldiers from said homes. These are the people that put anti-aircraft guns on top of hospitals. Unfortunate for the victims you speak about in your beautiful poem.
You like CSI and Neil Diamond? Dad, is that you? Just kidding. Although I am readily familiar with google and have been using it for years, I had never really thought much of looking into the groups tool. I thinks I will do that now. Thanks for the tip.
It is a fantastic premise for a short story... but I think that there is a lot of room to express more emotion. There has to be absolute waves of emotion to a situation like this, maybe more than just the joy of revenge? Maybe he is disguted that he was with a person for so long that obviously has no qualms w/ being unfaithful... maybe it makes him question how many times she cheated on him? I like the way it was written, but even if it is flash fiction there is still space to convey somewhat complex emotions.
This is the third work of yours that I have read, and the first one was spectacular. I can't remember which one it was, but I do remember it standing out as a very good piece of poetry. The second piece was a little ambiguous in it's intent (at least for me), but this piece I totally can relate too and understand. That being said, it has problems in it's timing and metre that the second had as well. In poetry there isn't a right or a wrong, but their are things that help the reader process it better. Also, there is nothing wrong with rhymed couplets (although these aren't couplets by definition), but with you being so obviously talented, maybe you should switch up your rhyme scheme. Challenge yourself. Anyway, again this is just my opinion, and if you like it just the way it is, then that's what matters.
This was generally a good poem, although I'm not sure I agree with everything within. Is this referencing to Vietnam veterans, the divide between classes and incomes, or somehow both of them. Also, and I could be wrong, but I don't know a lot of people who throw out "jibes" at American war veterans anymore, whether they be Vietnam or WWII vets.(I mean, I'm sure somebody does, but some people hate doctors) I think for the most part, people respect the sacrifices of these vets for the greater good. Also because of the varying syllable rates in each line, the reading doesn't flow smoothly without some tempo adjusting. That's not to say that that's a bad thing, just something I noticed. Still the poem isn't bad, just different then my taste, and I could be missing the whole point anyway.
Good stuff. Very sad and I genuinely hope this piece wasn't inspired by your real life. The verbage is good, the premise easy to understand, the rhyming scheme was simple. More simple than I usually like, but hey, it worked and didn't stick out like a sore thumb. Long story short, excellent job. Thank you for letting me read it. (By the way: I'm not a poetry fan at all, so if I liked this then it must be good.)
This works... as an opening paragraph, sort of. It's a short statement, and one that is baseless without any presentation of factual support. Beyond that, the statement that if you "want to get rid of someone for awhile? Turn them in to the FBI for being terrorists." is absurd. The most incompetant FBI agent isn't going to confine anybody without having at least some minute proof. You can't get mad at your neighbor for playing his music to loud and make a phonecall to your local FBI, report him as a terrorist, and expext him to just disappear. Have you ever heard of filing a false report; if it went to court and you testified there is that little perjury thing. I understand that you are nervous about your personal rights, but getting hysterical about something that I can assure will never happen to you isn't going to help at all. Show me one instance of the FBI holding an innocent person for a long period of time and in the manner that you have said. Those guys in Guantanamo Bay are enemy combatants and therefore are not subject to U.S. judicial law, but The Geneva Code which doesn't entitle prisoners of war an attorney. In fact the captor is only required to treat the prisoners humanely. I know you're going to bring up Abu Ghraib, and I will be the first to admit that wasn't humane, but also that it is nothing compared to the proud televised beheadings of civilians. Anyway, you're piece did it's part in evoking opinion and was good in that sense. Just include more with an opinion.
This was a very nice scene. Short, to the point, and somehow real and surreal simultaneously. For some reason I got the impression that this was a Euthanization (I think I spelled that right). Am I right? Either way, good job. Very touching; very nice.
This piece wasn't bad, it just didn't go anywhere. There weren't any real events or conflicts, and maybe it was intentional but it just didn't really seem to have a reason to be written. You have some interesting analogies, but like I said it just left me wondering when something was going to happen. Bo doesn't "bounce" anybody out or make a move on Crystal. Crystal doesn't hit a bad note or quit after she gets hit on by Bo or a patron. I think it would just be better if something happened.
Your poetry isn't bad, in fact it's pretty good. The problem is that this reads like alot of other poems. It is pretty, but not groundbreaking or, to be completely honest, very interesting. I'm not belittleing you or whatever experience inspired you to write this. I'm just reminding you that if you're interested in becoming published, if your dream is to show people your work, it may not carry the emotional impact or weight that it does to you. Other than that it was a very nicely worked poem.
Okay, there are honestly pieces of your work that attest to your very quirky and funny sense of perception and you have talent in that sense. There are funny lines that fit perfectly in any Ellen Degeneres comedy script or Seinfeld episode, but writing poetry about airline food seems almost seems asinine. Why not write a standup routine, which would be more useful. Why waste your time with a poem, and lastly why waste it on something that everybody already knows is horrible. You're preaching to the choir. Now take your talent and make fun of something that we all realize in the back of our heads but never consciously say or think about, and put it in something besides poetic verse.
I am not a huge fan of poetry, but I liked this piece a great deal. I'm not sure if I've completely grasped its intention or meaning, but I have seen plenty of girls who will throw their friends under a bus for their own selfishness and insecurities, and that's who I take this poem to be about. It's an unfortunate part of human nature, but you have written about it beautifully. And please believe, that I am not giving you this review as an obligatory compliment, since you reviewed my work well. It is sincerely good. I have added you to my author's list.
Michael P. Van Dorn
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