Your descriptions are very vivid and detailed, providing an excellent picture of what you saw so that the reader may see it as well. Unfortunately, since this was based on a dream, there are plenty of parts that don't make sense, and the writing didn't work well enough to give it some semblance of order.There were also a lot of mistakes in punctuation and sentence structure than can be fixed up quickly. Here are the ones I spotted in the first paragraph alone:
"I was at the beach, swimming, the ocean was not violent..."
"The ocean was not violent..." should be placed in a new, separate sentence.
"per se but still strong choppy water and high waves"
Perhaps "but still had strong, choppy water and high waves." There seems to be something missing in between the "per se" and the "but." I also think that you should use another term aside from "per se." Maybe some thing simpler or more common, like "exactly." Per se sounds as if the writer is trying hard to sound clever or non-chalant.
"...choppy water and high waves, the sky was blue..."
Again, separate "The sky was blue..." into a new sentence.
"...and out in the distance I looked..."
Separate "I looked..." (add a period in between "distance" and "I") so it's not a run-on sentence.
"I wasn't alone, my brothers"
Consider using a colon (:) instead of a comma.
"...all I did was ignore them. As I watched a bright yellow and blue radio float and swirl in the waters grip."
The second sentence seems incomplete. I suggest you add it to the previous sentence, like: "...all I did was ignore them as I watched a bright yellow and blue radio float and swirl in the water's grip."
I found this poem very humorous -- it made me smile and laugh, which I hope is what you were going for. The wording was clever and catchy -- this could make for a great children's book. I also sense that this poem is somewhat philosophical -- especially because of the last two stanzas. For a moment, I couldn't process why the giraffe was somewhat cheered by the horoscope, but I thought more deeply about it and figured that perhaps there's a deeper meaning to it. The end seems to tie the moral lesson(s) found in the poem together as well.
There are a few parts in the piece that I feel lack some words, though. For example: "Once there was an orangutan, thought she could fly" I would replace the comma with a "who," especially because adding "who" would make more sense, and wouldn't disrupt the smooth flow of the poem's rhythm. Another is "But as a naive creature, never went to school." I would also replace the comma with a "who" in this line.
The transition between the last two stanzas seemed a bit awkward to me. As if the poem jumped all of a sudden to a more didactic theme. Perhaps an addition of a transitional stanza could do, or a change in the last few lines of the fourth stanza.
I like the nostalgic feel of this, and the way it kind of reads like an essay or journal entry. It's... refreshing, in a way. You have a very distinct writing style that I haven't seen very often. It makes you appear very friendly and welcoming, and it invites the reader in to read more. I guess it's inviting because the way you write is very jovial (not because you started off with "Welcome!" haha). I would gladly wait to read more.
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