Not really sure what the contest is for, outside of it having to be all in converstaion form. Is that it? If so, this is a pretty good first draft.
Now to the technical points.
1.) Opening paragraph, you forgot the ( ' in were) "I already told you were done talking,"
2.) "I know, I know, Ive done wrong in the past. I was hoping we could move foward with('with' should be 'from' maybe) all this and put it aside and be friends again."
3.) "Ill,(Missing ' ) take the juice ma'am. (1)You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch." (1 Are you allowed to add in descriptors for whom they are talking to in the contest? If so this needs to be broken into two seperate lines with some distinction as to who he is talking too.)
4.) "Sir, please no trouble, have (a) seat and, and try to talk this thru."
5.) "Ma'am I think Your right, just let him go. I don't think theirs (there's) any way to build on this friendship." (I'm confused. How can he be agreeing with her, when she wants him to sit down and talk, and he says to just let him go?)
6.) "Nurse, thank you for calling me so quickly. James, James, have you been hiding your medication again? How long have you been hiding them this time?" (Again are you allowed to point out who the person is talking to? Example: "Nurse, thank you for calling me so quickly." Dr. Kontz said then quickly turned to the man seated at the table. "James...)
7.) "James, can you still hear us? We have been off our medicine for a long time, maybe its time to go back on. James, if you can hear us, tell the doctor you wanna go back on the medicine, tell him you need to go back on the medicine." (I'm confused again. In the line a couple lines above this the doctor asks him if he has been hiding his medication, yet now he states he knows he has been off his medication for some time and is asking him to tell the doctor he wants to get back on the medication?)
The story itself is quite well thought through and the twist it had was not expected and was a welcome surprise and caught be off gaurd. For that I would give you a 5, but alas I can't give two seperate ratings.
Okay, this one I gave you 4.5 because your words were even more powerful than the other one I read. I like the way you used questions to pull the reader in. But alas, in my opinion I would perfer seeing some sort of poetic style to your words instead of just typed out in paragraph form. I really like your writing, one can feel your emotions flowing through the words. My only advice is to maybe try to get some styling to your words to make them even more powerful.
I gave you a four because I liked your words, and could feel what you wrote, but felt cheated that it wasn't really written as a poem per-say. When writing in prose or free form like this, you should use a little more puctuation to accent your words and start/finish points. Otherwise it just reads as a paragraph in a story. But as I said, your thoughts and feelings came through nicely and smoothly.
Although I tend to write in rhyme when I write poetry, and don't really get into the artsy style of writing, (regarding the particular way you spaced it out.) I enjoyed this piece and understand the falling style of the words. It has a nice flow, and I could feel your emotions as I read it, something I find rather important when reading poetry/prose. I sense too that you may have wanted to write more, or someday will continue this piece, but stopped here for the time being. Overall I liked this piece and am glad I read it.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mhkmelvin
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 7:19am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
