I thought the last one I read was good but this was even better.
The emergency room visit made me laugh out loud, which is not that hard to do but I thought I would tell you anyway.
Lots of details and little touches made it feel very believeable and although the protagonist overreacts a little I still felt like I could understand him.
Overall, I was entertained and there wasn't anything that jumped out at me to pick apart.
I won't comment on grammar or technical aspects because there is a good chance my advice would be bad but stylisticly I think you are right on the money.
The following is not the opinion of an expert, only a layman who is passionate about fiction and armed with a keyboard.
I am always hungry for a story in this genre and I felt that the premise was pretty good but it felt very rushed and stripped down.
You have very interesting characters but what are they like? What do they look like, how do they feel about things that happen to them?
I didn't really feel too much tension during the more exciting parts because I didn't really care about the characters, because I didn't really know anything about them.
I think you have the skeleton of a really fun and interesting story here you just need to put some meat on those bones.
The Bible verse combination was interesting and having the protagonist's old rival show up has the potential for drama but again you need to tell me more.
Taking a line of dialogue directly from a movie is probably a bad idea especially a movie that everyone in the universe has seen. This really stuck out in a bad way.
If you talk about real places and events you have to do your homework(research) because jerks like me will go and look it up just because thats what we do.
Now that I said all that, I want to say this, keep writing. I really mean it, if you write more stories like this I will surely read them and review them.
I don't want to discourage you, if I thought there was no hope I wouldn't have spent the time to type this.
This seems very genuine and heartfelt, possibly cathartic and I enjoyed the way you tugged at various heartstrings.
It even made me feel slightly guilty since it hit close to home. The little details like the teams playing or being uncertain of the exact year, all helped to make it believeable in my eyes.
I did find myself losing my place in such a substantial block of text and I wasn't entirely sure what you meant by " I tried to keep my lightswitch turned off that day".
Overall I enjoyed the minutes I spent reading this, please keep writing.
I hope this helps in some way, I know the reviews I have gotten have helped muster the will to keep tapping away.
Contemplative, dwelling on the negative, brushing up against despair and yet a hopeful ending.
This I like, however spacing out the paragraphs would go a long way to making it more enjoyable to read.
While I am not particularly prone to sentimentality, you did suceed in making me catch a whiff of my own grandfathers smoker.
I really liked this story, it kept my interest right till the end. I felt like I could identify with the protagonist enough that I cared what happened to him and I would have been likely to read more. I did feel like I could see the end coming just a little, I had a little trouble remembering who was who during the siege of the subdivision. In my opinion the protagonist was well developed but most of the supporting characters felt slightly one dimensional.
Please keep writing.
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