WOW! What a terrific story. I love how you made technology both the hero and the villain of the piece, as as its being the main character, even more so than any of the humans. And yet, it was in no way like 2001: A Space Odyssey with that silly computer running the show. Technology was not anthropomorphic and it did not ingratiate itself into the story, yet it was every present, just as it is in some people's lives today.
That was very impressive, considering the week I'm having (especially learning about the Navy Seal attack in Pakistan on Sunday). It seems to me that you have your finger on the pulse of what's going on in this country, but more importantly, you're not afraid to talk about the consequences of social media gone haywire. Sure, it's a wonderful thing and it had greatly enhanced our lives. But because of it, I am suffering and only slept 21 hours last week. I am not doing much better this week, as I CANNOT seem to power my brain down on a regular basis anymore. Neither here nor there really.
Can't think of anything I would change here, but I would definitely like to see you expand this into something longer and more detailed, if you're of a mind to do it. You've got a good eye for detail and a vivid imagination for the future...don't suppose you work with computers or such, do you?
i almost hate to say that i knew what was coming, because in any event, it was a VERY compelling story in this day and age.
but i did know. it didn't ruin it per se, only made it seem just a little bit less than what it could have been.
i've known some 'Sergeant' characters in my time. i don't remember them being so cynical at such a very young age, but that could have been because i was born cynical and it hasn't diminished in the slightest the older i've gotten. the other side to that coin is that i have continued to get older, but that's a whole other ball of wax that's inappropriate for this setting.
keep up the good work, Adrian. and i hope to read more of your work, if you keep this up. if you don't, i hope to lend you some help so that you do.
oh, the irony of this piece: you mention 'inspiration' several times, yet you are completely oblivious to the wonder that is London. more ironic is the fact that you mention that you are from a small town and completely missed the opportunity to delve deeper into the history or the architecture or the people or any number of things that go into the making of one of the great cities on this planet.
next, you finally decide that musical theatre is where your inspiration is going to nest, yet in the next paragraph you write, "Sort of like elevator music, it feels in the empty silence. Music has always been a big part of my life; I know I might not be very musically talented, but nobody said you have to have talent to appreciate it."
my question is that if it is such an all consuming passion, how is it that you didn't figure this out until AFTER you decided to write about it?
and last, but certainly not least, you have heard of "Glee," the television show, right? i know that it is available in the UK (at least that's what the internet sources say...you can't trust everything you read but if there are over 10 million Google hits for the words 'Glee UK,' then someone over there must know something about it.
my advice to you: find this show and watch it. i'm 40 and i love it, even though i came in the middle of the second act and the thought of dealing with high school all over again frankly makes me physically ill (although, i admit, when i was either 15 or 16, i wrote an entire English paper on the 'Pretty In Pink' soundtrack).
but they cover songs that i've known for over twenty years and introduced me to ones that i wouldn't have heard any other way. and what's even better is the songs the producers choose are the ones like "Mr. Cellophane," the ones with messages, the ones with lyrics that actually means something. i think you would love it too.
and i hope that your teacher liked your effort for the school paper...hopefully, your next bout with writer's block won't be as arduous for you as this one was.
The clues are all there, but you still don't realize that this is a story about softball/baseball until near the very end. That I liked.
However, I think it could be even better if there were more details: Ruth digging in her feet, preparing to make a break for it or couching the pitcher's throws to home plate or movement toward second base in obscurity or avoiding the third baseman as she dodges around him and then turns the corner toward home plate.
Of course, that last paragraph becomes moot if there is a word limit on the story. But if there isn't, the more detail and the more suspense, the better to draw the reader in and bury the surprise ending until just the right moment.
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