Hi Meg,
I like the general gist of the story, that Trish is making up things (dreaming) because she can't face the trauma about what really happened. With perhaps a closer POV, it could be very intense. It's got a lot of potential, I think, and could be quiet creepy or disturbing with a little work.
What I think doesn't work so well is the way the story is _told_. That is, the very beginning and the end, the narrator explains exactly what happened (okay, and the characters do the same thing). There's nothing exactly wrong with this, but I'm not so sure it works in fiction format. It's the whole 'show vs tell' issue, IMO.
I wonder if you could find a way to show this more, perhaps dramatize it more. It's just so… blunt, I guess, that it has no effect, to me. Unfortunately, I have no solid ideas or suggestions on how to do that… sorry. It would probably require a lot of rewriting… :|
Anyway.
Another thing I didn't really care for is the author's voice, the sort of 'lecturing' tone at the very beginning. It sounds more like the opening to a non-fiction piece than a story, and while the back ground information is helpful, it feels much too Tell-esque, in my opinion. While in one sense it's kind of nice to get some of the information on the characters, it feels like I'm getting a stat sheet of the two principle characters; you basically tell us, 'He's like this, she's like this, this is how it is.'
Rather than showing that more, letting the reader come to those conclusions, all the information is rattled off, and I honestly didn't find it very engaging. While I understand that, as a short story, you don't have a lot of room to develop the characters, showing can still be done.
Perhaps it's your style to write the story this way, and that's fine (it is your story after all), I just suggest that a little tweaking could probably make the opening more engaging, and after you have hooked the reader, structuring the scenes to show the characters' personalities would work better to show who they are (IMO).
I think that a better opening would be when you get right into the conflict of the characters, and the main story plot--Patricia's dreams. I think that starting with the first paragraph could work, but IMHO, the line: Horror came to Patricia in the form of what some would find to be non-threatening: a dream. would actually work as a stronger hook and start much closer to when the story itself starts. I think that you could begin here, and show through actions and dialogue what Patricia and George are like. 
The dialogue in places seems stilted and unnatural. Often times there are passages where the character use no contractions. Even if this isn't in a 'modern' setting, I think that back in the 30's, people still talked in similar manners as they do now (the slang and vocabulary and perhaps accents might have been different, but you get what I mean).
Unless you explain a reason why they would always be so formal, I think letting the characters talk more 'realistically' (as in naturally, having them relax a little) would help. You might try reading the dialogue out loud--I've found that it can help 'test' how realistic it sounds. A lot of the time, I've noticed people tend to use contractions, unless they are in very formal situations and are concentrating on using proper grammar and no contractions (like: 'I am not feeling well today' vs. 'I'm not feeling well'). (Being a writer, lol, I tend to pay careful attention to how people talk ;).
I suggest you look over the dialogue and see if there are places that could be made less formal, maybe use some contractions. For example, when Trish first comes to see the psychologist, and he asks her to describe what her dreams are like, her whole paragraph of dialogue read very stiffly to me, and while I understand Trish might be self-conscious and speak a little more formally or with care than she naturally does, it could still be tweaked a bit. Contractions could help, I think.
Also, I found the way you started in present tense and then shifted to past tense a little odd, and kind of jarring. Why is the beginning in present tense, when the rest is in past tense? I don't quite see the reasoning for doing that. Perhaps the first paragraph, something that is offset from the rest of the story… but not all the information regarding the characters.
It might be more effective, as well, if you made Trish more sympathetic. I didn't feel anything for her, unfortunately, and even in a short story, I think it's important to work to develop the characters to some degree. I'm not sure if you have word restraints in the story or anything, but I'm sure if you add a few more details about her personality, what she likes and dislikes, what makes her tick, it would help make her seem more like a person and by the end of the story, the character might be liked more by the reader (and in turn, the story will have more affect on the reader).
Okay. Well, I do think the story has potential in its premise. Best of luck with it, and keep writing.
~Merc |
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
)