I am not sure why there is a disclaimer at the beginning; I can only assume it is ' tongue in cheek'. But as I began reading I reallised it is setting a mood. I have to say the cynical, complaining opening paragraphs nearly stopped me from continuing. But as I kept reading, the tension increased as the three 'colonists' entered the bar as well as the story.
The slowly unfolding purpose of their reason for tracking down Athenais becomes gripping. Her increasing anxiety as the edgy conversation reveals her secret passed makes the reader want to know more. And that is for me important as a reader and a writer. The end of the 1st chapter has created a page turner, we want to know what happens next.
I would have liked some more description of what the Heroine looks like, and maybe some dark humour in the setting the bar scene, but I expect you wanted to make it as 'down' as possible.
So despite my initial negative reaction, I think your story has captured the typical dystopian view of a sci-fi future well. Your conversation with the protagonists is well crafted, revealing little clues as it unfolds. The idea of curing immortality is brilliant, as it brings the shallowness of our western cultural anxiety-driven obsession of everyone wanting to look and stay young into perspective. I hope you finish the story.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mercury1952
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 2:22pm on Oct 06, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
