Hi Pony!
Thank you so much for sharing your piece 'All Our Stories' and giving me the opportunity to review it for you! :D
As you posted this on the 'plug' page, I'm assuming you want a close consideration of your work. Please keep in mind, however, that the work is completely your own. The following are just my thoughts and suggestions, so you can consider them or disregard them as you like :)
While your piece is titled 'All Our Stories', it was the description that got me reading your story from the plug page and the theme of demon possession that kept me there :) I think you've got a really good theme going here - ideas of giving in to the voices in your head, deciding whether to fight or just to give in - these are themes that are applicable to real life, and so are very intriguing and understandable in your text.
I particularly like the paragraph beginning with 'Come now, child' to 'making the creature seem impossible of life' - the description of the demon was so good and unexpected that I was holding my breath in a mixture of excitement and repulsion. That's a compliment, by the way - the demon as you described it, running a finger over her chin... That's a really creepy, really exciting description so well done!
I like the subtle connections you made with the bird-like teacher through her 'beady blue eyes' and the way you draw attention to her long nose (like a beak) by saying that she had a pair of spectacles perched there - nicely done. Aside from the images your story created in my head, I also got the phrase 'Watching like a hawk' in regard to the ferocity of those beady eyes watching Dalila at her desk, daydreaming in maths class. :D
While the bird-like term 'screeched' continues this theme on as Mrs Sparks talks, I think the backtracking feeling I get when reading this bit slows it down. Instead, you could write ' "To the principal's office now," Mrs Sparks screeched' if you want to keep the word in, or, even more concisely, "To the principal's office. Now!"
Smilarly, I think the phrase slightly further down could be more directly written 'The school year had only been in session for two months and this was already my third time to the office for "daydreaming". Last year...'
'Gangsworth' is a really cool last name and very appropriate for the Vice Principal! Before I even read about him I know he's going to be a mean, nasty character. How inventive! I often struggle to find last names for my characters, but you've done so well with him!
I love the metaphor 'the maze of white hallways' in regard to the school :)
I also really love when there's telepathic communication in stories and I love to see how this is represented in the text. Your forward slashes work, though I have also seen it represented in books like this:
|Look through the window, Dalila|
'It was gym for the rest of the class, anyway, considering my health conditions.' I'm nor sure what you mean by this. Health conditions? Is music class like a workout at the gym for her?
I'm really fascinated by that concept of looking through the window to see the grusome scene that isn't actually there. You've done so well in making this scene work and describing it in a way that really draws your reader in. The grossness of the toys and the way they are laid out is chilling. Your vision of them as 'Cold, dead children' is really quite sickening - though I'm sure this is the effect you were going for here! I love it! :D
There's just one small point I want to make here, though, in regard to the opening of this section. It seems a bit anticlimatic to read that she stifled a scream and to begin the next paragraph with the vision that there were toys inside the room. I know your description of the toys is creepy, but perhaps a groan or 'felt my stomach twist with revulsion' would be better placed here?
'/Your fate lies here./' - That's such a powerful phrase and it really shows the importance of this room and the dream-like place she's in. Despite this, it is somewhat confusing. What does Dalila have to do here? Does it mean that she's going to become one of the dolls? That she is one of the dolls? It's a gripping description, a really interesting scene, but you'll need to explain its importance a little bit more, I think.
'getting my hand slapped with a ruler so hard, my hand bled' - I'm not sure this is realistic. It's true that there would be a bright red line from the impact, but it's hard to imagine how this would result in blood. You can still have your character head to the bathroom next to chill out, even if it doesn't involve wrapping her hand in toilet paper! :)
'but the voices had told me to fail. Something important was to be held here, in this grade'. The idea that her life is run completely by these demons, that it links so closely with her life at school that the two connect - these are really interesting ideas. I don't question why she follows the demons' instructions, but assume it's like she's been possessed. It's funny - right as I was reading this part, I was thinking about how it's close to some kind of a psychotic episode, but you've considered this as well when she's in the nurse's office! It's a really scary place to be, though, and trying to hold up a 'normal' life while seeing these things, hearing those voices in your head - it's something so easily enjoyed in your story, but it must be terrifying in real life...
Watching the boy choke was a moment of high tension, but surely your character would want to stop it? Surely as she watches it, her eyes widen and perhaps she even cries out in panic and fear? That's what I would do if some guy was choking in front of me, and to make your character even more realistic, it's probably important to consider what you would do in the same situation.
'Problems only became worse whenever you tried to cure them' - this provides an interesting insight into your character and explains why she hasn't fought against the demons, almost as though she prefers to just accept that things are the way they are and there's no point in trying to change them.
I think one good suggestion for this piece would be not to focus on minute details so much. How often do we really take in the exact colour of the classroom walls? Providing details such as these suggests that there was nothing more interesting in the room to describe. We often glance over things without seeing most of that which surrounds us. It's enough for Dalila to look up and for the poster to catch her eye, beginning with the word 'Voices'.
The idea of Dalia killing her parents because it's what the demons told her to do is really intriguing and surprising and works really well in this story. I think you might need to change the age of your character when this happened, however. I doubt that a two year old would remember minute details about the rain pouring outside and the parents always fighting. My first memory is at four when my little sister was born, and even then this is a particularly foggy memory. Perhaps if Dalila was a little older (six, perhaps even seven or eight), she would be able to precisely recall those details you gave in this scene. Older children tend to pick up on these things, while really young ones don't seem to perceive things other than what they're doing at the time.
The orphanage once being an insane asylum is a very cool idea, especially considering Dalila's possible insanity. It adds an edge to the place.
'The majority of the people staying in the orphanage went insane by their first year' to 'the few of us that escaped were mentally unstable'. I'm not sure whether this is realistic enough to be believed. A place full of crazy people would probably be picked up by the government and turned back into a mental asylum, perhaps even boarded up. I think it's enough to say that the place used to be an insane asylum - that's enough foreshadowing to hint at the possible insanity of your character.
While a description of the orphanage is important, perhaps you could mirror the scariness of this place in the description (a bit like you did with the bird-like teacher!). 'The windows had white stone around them' (like pupiless eyes?); 'rectangular, slim windows' (looked out of the oak doors, watching over the surrounding area?) Descriptions that give the orphanage some personality will make the setting a character in iteself, and this will truly draw in the readers and make them as curious about the orphanage as we already are about the demons :)
I like this phrase: 'Many of the white limestone headstones were knocked over or weathered past recogniion'. This is very evokative and puts a clear image in my mnd.
The ending has interesting themes, and I feel sure that you will develop these in coming chapters. I think, perhaps, that finding the grave could be the first step in getting rid of that particular demon in a long line of steps, possibly including finding out more about the asylum and the people who stayed there, perhaps even contacting other children who have been (and maybe even still are) haunted by demons or even going to a kind of demonologist in the hope of exorcising it/them.
Overall, I think you've got some really good ideas that are worthy of turning into a full novel. I love the movement into gruesome visions of the world (such as with the dolls) and the way that these demons continue to influence Dalila's life so strongly. You've got an amazing storyline here with so much potential, and the themes are so well built that you coud go almost anywhere with them and still hold your readers' attention.
If this was to become a novel and this was the opening chapter, I would advise beginning with a strong image - perhaps the demons talking in her head? It's all up to you, though, and once you've posted more of this story up and I've got a better understanding of where you're intending to move the story, I can offer better suggestions.
Again, if this was to become a novel and this the opening chapter, I think you could leave the bit about Dalila killing her parents to later, perhaps when the reader feels as though they know her better. Sometimes it helps to think of the story as though your character is letting us follow her life during the story. At the moment I barely know her, and I hardly think she'd come out about murdering her parents during our first meeting together! I also think she might feel guilty about it, maybe even angry at herself and her demons for landing her in the orphanage and leaving her life so broken and disturbed.
I'm not sure whether you'll want to explore this idea, but as a reader I wonder when the demons started haunting her and why they picked her. If they chose Dalila as a baby, perhaps there were signs? An evil talisman disguised as a charm and presented to her as a baby? The floorboards beneath her crib painted with a demonic sign, perhaps even hidden under the carpet and unknown to the parents? These are just suggestions, though. I even wonder whether Dalila takes a trip to the library to explore the history of her demons further? As they had once lived on earth, what had made them so evil?
You've created a really good story with engaging, amazing ideas. The line 'what wonderful puppets we are' is so curious that it drew me into your story straight away, while the tagline 'A little girl is plagued by demons' is really interesting - it's what drew me to read your story in the first place :)
I hope my suggestions didn't offend you and that you are willing to let me read and even review some more of this story. It's got me hooked, and that's a sure sign of success. Much of the pacing and plot fits well where it is and will require only rewriting with a few changes to make improvements to this piece. I think you will find huge success by modifying the opening lines of this piece and drawing readers in straight away as then they will be more likely to read the whole piece and review at the end, like me! :D
I'm really excited about what you've written here - it sounds very promising and sure to make a great novel (assuming you're heading that way!) You've mastered some exciting elements of horror fiction without resorting to the stereotypical 'blood and guts' novel that we get so often. There's a true art to describing things in a way that grosses the reader out without overtly using blood and violence, and I think you're well on the way to reaching it!
I'd love to read more of this story. I hope you'll let me :)
Please feel free to email me with any questions/comments/thoughts. I'd love to hear from you and see what you think!
Happy writing!
Melzgr8
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I think it's an excellent scene to use as a starting point for a longer story, if you want, or a poem, or anything else that takes your fancy. You already have two of your characters written about, and can use what you've got here to make them even more realistic. You could also start asking yourself questions that will make more scenes from the one you've just written. Why, for example, does the person who's speaking (I'm assuming it's a woman), cry when the other person (who appears to be her boyfriend) says he loves her? Is it merely the strength of her emotion? What emotion would that be and where did it come from, how did it build? Questions like that. 
Why would someone do that to them? Will they have a chance to save their mother or at least take some form of revenge on the burly men? I read on to find out...