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Review of Farewells  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great work. I love the language, the rigid yet fluid structure, the original handling of a familiar topic. You seem to have a gift. I have nothing to sugges, as it seems to me like you wrote this exactly as you wanted to, so flattery will have to suffice. Have you tried getting this published? If not, you should.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Jester  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I know it's not fashionable but I have an appreciation for rhyming poetry. Especially when it is done well, as "The Jester" is. Though the rhymes might not be the most original I've ever seen, the lines are written well and the poem has a wonderful visual effect: the darkened auditorium, his tearful prayers at night. I also like how you handled this emotion subject without getting too sentimental about it.

I have just noticed that this is an older piece and you are probably not looking for feedback, but I would suggest spending a little time tweaking some of the lines to get the number of beats to match within each stanza. An extra syllable or two can throw off an otherwise perfect rhythm, which seems a shame.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Cold years  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello! WDC suggested that I read a newbie and now here I am. Your opening sentence grabbed me. I like it. It makes me interested in finding out what this story will be about. How are you planning on handling perspective in this piece? The narrator sounds like "someone", not just a sexless, omniscient voice in a typical 3rd-person narrative.

This obviously needs to be fleshed out. It is too much valuable information to dispense with in three short paragraphs before the action starts. It feels like you have something here, so don't spoil it by rushing through the details. The decline of Earth, civilizations on Mars...these ideas need a little more breathing room. Of course, once you are really into the story you can always go back and fill in.

There are a disproportionately large number of typos for such a short piece (letter substitutions, missing capitalization). It looks sloppy and might put people off of reading.

I'd be happy to follow up with more feedback but I also don't want to overdo it so I will leave it at that for now. Good luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Who is She?  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Good use of sensory descriptions in this short piece. It is a mysterious story and I'm not sure that I get it, to be honest. I can appreciate its brevity but maybe could use a bit more context as to what is happening. Maybe you could play with contrasts a bit more...is she nervous about facing her destiny, whatever that might be? Does she feel saddened to be departing this world on such a lovely day? Is there anything or anyone she will miss? If so, you could contrast these emotions with the pleasant and mundane details of her surroundings. It would give your nice details like the smell of the blossoms and the feel of the hardwood more meaning (e.g. she is smelling/feeling things for the last time).

Maybe this was intentional but you flip tenses several times throughout the piece. Starts in past tense ("She got up", "she could smell"), switches to present ("she sits", "she absorbs"), and then sort of varies sentence to sentence. You should decide which tense you want to write the story in, and then stick to it unless there is a good reason not to.
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Review of A journey  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there,

This is a well-written piece; it seems that you spent some time and effort in editing and taking care of the mechanics. I like how you incorporated lists to break up the inner narration. I like some of your dramatic language. I especially liked the ending, ambiguous but hopeful, playing on the word "exit," and using the sunshine symbolically. I suppose you could do more to this end by contrasting it with descriptions of the cold concrete stairwell, using the stairwell--barren, empty, echoing--to describe her inner state. Just a thought.

My main issue with the story is the message. Actually, let's not call it a message; how about the central idea? I was not convinced by the idea that the isolation of being rich is enough to make one so miserable. If the narrator has no friends, or is unable to relate to people, there must be other reasons than social status at the root of it. You refer to "countless scars" but if the scars are from having to take piano and calligraphy lessons, well, to expect sympathy is a little much. The issues of unwanted pregnancy and parental neglect seem more to the point but they don't really have much to do with being rich and snobby; the poor and the humble can just as easily be afflicted by such concerns. If there is a connection, I fail to see it.

What's more, it seems that if the narrator is isolated she has only herself to blame. She acts, in the opening scene, aloof and unapproachable. Is this the only possible way for a rich and beautiful girl to act? It is the stereotypical way, to be sure, but I don't think it should be assumed that she is forced to act this way by her status.

Well, it seems like I'm attacking the basis of your story and that's not my intention. I just think that if you want the reader to believe that being rich and beautiful is such an intolerable burden, you need to connect the dots a little more clearly and make it seem more inevitable that she is a product of her environment. Otherwise her reaction to her life seems a little extreme, though still understandable. I can appreciate that this is a short piece but maybe it's too short; I think, if we are to understand and care about her imminent collapse, we need to see more of the bricks in the wall, to use a Floydian term. We need to see why she feels like she has been forced into such drastic measures, to be given a glimpse into the anatomy of her breakdown. In short, I think you started a little too close to the end, and that you copped out with phrases like "all the bad stuff" and "nothing good in my life." Such generalizations are of little use to the reader. After all, they can't be that bad if she doesn't bother to think of them in any detail.

I hope this gives you something to chew on and perhaps use. You may feel I'm off-base with some of my comments, and you mayb well be right. If you'd care to discuss anythign further just let me know. Good work overall.
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Review of I am....  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Greetings,

I decided to review this piece because I didn't have time to read something longer. Hey, at least I'm honest *Wink*. I definitely felt the emotion of the piece, but as I read I was thinking, "I hope this is not on account of a break-up." Upon reaching the end I'm still not convinced on this point, but the line "I no longer need you" seems to indicate a romantic breakup. If that is indeed the case, then words like "grief" and "sorrow" seem inappropriate. "Misery" and "self-pity" might be more fitting, because you don't grieve for someone that dumped you, right? You may grieve for yourself, how your life has changed, how much it hurts, but that is quite a different thing.

I like the structure of this piece, how each simple statement of "I am" opens a window into the narrator's suffering. I like the sentence beginning with "Rivulets of grief." More of this sort of imagery would make the piece stronger, perhaps. Give the reader some sense of setting. The part about how the narrator's arms burn probably could be replaced by something more visual. After all, we don't know why her arms are hurting. Has she been doing yard work? Lifting weights? If there is no specific reason, then this detail does not help the reader understand the narrator.

I understand that you are going for a short piece here; you don't want to give us her life history and describe her house in detail. That's fine. But even a few well-chosen visuals would help us put ourselves in her position. We know she is on the lounge, but that's about it. How about the weather? It tends to affect us when we are sad. If it is raining/snowing, it suits her mood. If it is sunny, it seems to mock her.

I have trouble with the first sentence. I think it should simply begin "My heart aches." Also, I'm sure the narrator must know why her heart aches.

I was going to comment on punctuation, namely, your use of semicolons and em-dashes, but I reckon you've had enough of my feedback for now *Wink*. I will close with a few editorial suggestions: "over takes" should be one word; "bone deep" should be hyphenated into "bone-deep"; "eye lids" should be one word; and I'm not sure what you mean by "I am wrapping in..." Maybe "wrapped in"?

In summary, I say engage the senses more; make the piece more visceral. If it is about a breakup, avoid making it sound so much like a death in the family with words like "grief" and "sorrow." Summon other emotions instead: how about anger? Bitterness? Despair?

If you think I am misunderstanding you, feel free to say so. Also, let me know if you'd like me to clarify any of my suggestions.
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Review of The Condition  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Doug,

Thanks for recommending this piece to me. It's a short piece that plays with a writer's devotion to his work. Despite its light, comic tone there is a somewhat serious theme here for us writers: we are in some ways enslaved to our work, and as tough as that is, it can be no other way. I sometimes find myself scribbling notes at work; good ideas can't wait! Also when you decide to take your writing seriously, you start to resent any intrusions into your schedule. This behaviour could be perceived as antisocial by your less understanding friends and relatives. Some might even think you have a "problem".

I liked your analogy. Not to say that being a writer is anything like being an alcoholic, but for humourous purposes it worked well. Nice idea.
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Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I thought you did a pretty good job on this story. You kept it short and managed to get the point across, which is always a good thing. The dialogue is well-done and realistic. The family dynamics are very believable (which isn't surprising if it comes directly from your own life).

One thing I would suggest is to indent the paragraphs, using the MLtags or whatever they're called. It's might take a bit more time but it makes it easier to read, especially when it comes to dialogue. Or at least put a space between each paragraph )any time a new person starts talking, it should be a new paragraph). You broken up some of it with spacing but if anything it only adds to the confusion because it's not really consistent.

Only a couple of errors that I noticed:

Near the end you call Tom "Yom".

your grades would be a hell of a lot better.” His mom said with an all-knowing tone. There should be a comma after "better", and "his mom" should be lower-case, as it is all one sentence.


Also there is a bit of tense confusion. The story is written in past tense but slips into present a couple of times:

The real world is so boring. I think it should say, "Tom found the real world so boring."

It had been a long time, but this must be his friend. It might make more sense as, "but Tom still recognized his friend."

While I appreciated the story's brevity, I also thought it might benefit from a bit more narration and description, even just a few details about what the characters look like, their body language and expressions as they're conversing, stuff like that. A few more dialogue tags to distinuish the speakers wouldn't hurt either. Just enough to balance all the dialogue.

Of course, these are all just opinions, and I'd be happy to discuss if you had any questions about them. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
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Review of Rejection  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there,

I don't read much poetry, but I have to write a poem as an assignment so I've been randomly reading some stuff and came across yours. This is not bad at all. It's simple and straightforward and is therefore easy to understand without analysis. You get your point across in sharing this very common experience without being overly, well, poetic about it.

The short lines definitely help pace it but I can't quite figure out why there are broken up the way they are. It makes it read in a choppy fashion at times. Also, I can't see a reason for some words to be capitalized in mid-sentence. I'm sure you have your reasons but I thought you might want to hear an outside opinion anyway.
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Review of "Retirement Home"  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is indeed a sad little poem, even more so because it reflects the reality of thousands dwelling in nursing homes. I think the poem succeeds in large part due to its simplicity. My only suggestion is that you add a few words to the last two lines to make them flow rhythmically, matching the number of beats per line, since the rest of the poem has that kind of flow. Perhaps:

When he comes for me you know that I won't be afraid,
I think I'll just be sad that no one came to stay.
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Review of Why I Write  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi aralls,

I stumbled onto this piece by chance, and I was impressed by the honesty and accuracy of your words. As an aspiring writer, I'm constantly looking at how others operate, what motivates them, and how the approach the craft of writing. Personally, I go from feeling overconfident and entirely capable to feeling that I will never learn all that I need to know if I want to write a novel. I don't know if I'm more miserable pursuing my dream, or just giving up on it. Yet here I am :).

I wish I could write you a better review, but my wife is watching TV and it's destroying my thought patterns.

Do you ever read your stories and marvel at how much they reveal about you? I find it almost disturbing.
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Review of Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a tragic story. It seems that you put enough of your own experience into the story to make the emotion real, and anyone who has ever been in love will feel for the protagonist. I could see where it was going but I didn't want it to go there, I was hoping for a better outcome for Jack. Or at least some form of final retribution, maybe a letter to the father to make him wonder what had really happened.

I know it's an old story and you probably don't intend on changing it now, but if I may just point out one thing: "alright" should always be written as "all right", though maybe you write it like that purposely since it was in a line of dialogue.

Anyway, it was a good read. Very technically sound and emotionally charged. The story is very believable and the subject matter familiar enough that it is easy to imagine it happening.
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Review of Writing as Art  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Stephen,

I stumbled onto your port on the list of Rising Stars, and the description of this piece caught my attention. I am sorry to hear about your stroke. I'm sure you're not here looking for sympathy, but I can imagine the frustration of having to give up any beloved hobby or form of art. Glad you can still write, though!

This is a well-written piece, but it is the subject that I'm more interested in and would like to expand on, if you don't mind. Many instructors and published authors would have us believe that good writing should be invisible, should not draw attention to itself. It has been said that whenever you have an "ah" moment, as you so accurately described it, you should immediately remove the phrase or word which caused it, because otherwise you are interefering with the telling of the story In other words, writing should be purely functional. Tell the story and stop trying to impress people.

I agree with this in some respects, as many authors can get carried away by their own words, swept up in the thrill of creation and losing the focus on what is most important, namely the story. On the other hand, if writing is an art, then it should not serve merely as a vehicle for a good story but should evoke emotions in itself. An artist doesn't paint a meadow to show the world what a meadow looks like, after all. He imprints it with his own style, his viewpoint and his emotions. The whole idea of "invisible writing" suggests that the best writing is the simplest, most straightfoward way of telling the story. This suggests that if you can identify a writer by his or her style, the writing isn't truly invisible.

Anyway, enough rambling. I like your point about validation. I entered a story into a contest, and I wouldn't show it to anyone until I won the contest? Why? Because once it was awarded first place, it was no longer just some silly story. It had been validated and given approval. A question; do any of us really "write for ourselves"? People always tell me that I shouldn't worry about getting published, that I should be doing it for myself. But is art not rendered meaningless if it is not shared? Stephen King likened this sharing to a psychic link between author and reader. It is definitely not too high to aim.

If I may be permitted to suggest an edit:

In the verification of others, there is, if not validity than a shared sense of humanity, of being alive. Perhaps this is too great an objective but to aim high is what art is about, is it not?

"Than" should be "then", and I think you need to shift some commas:

In the verification of others there is, if not validity, then a shared sense of humanity, of being alive. Perhaps this is too great an objective but to aim high is what art is about, is it not?
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Review of Seduced By Evil  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Cool story. The tone is very dark and fits the subject matter extremely well. Pacing is excellent, word choice is generally good, and technically the piece has very few issues. The voice of the narrator is particularly well done, I thought.

If I may make a few suggestions:

“Trying to leave?” I whispered, “We’re just getting started.” To me, this reads as two sentences, so there should be a period after "whispered".

I lurked above him, wiped the blade mixing his fresh blood with mine and cooed in ecstasy. This doesn't flow quite right to me. I would write it as "I lurked above him, wiping the blade and mixing his..." etc.

blood-filled dagger Word choice. You can't really fill a dagger with blood, so maybe "blood-coated dagger" would be more appropriate.

I smirked as he awoke dazed and confused. I would hesitate to use the term "dazed and confused", because ever since that movie came out way back when, the term has sounded more and more like a cliche and is hard for me to take seriously. I would use something like "confused and disoriented".

These are only opinions, though. Use or discard them as you wish!
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Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Kathie, I think you have handled a very difficult story extremely well. You tell it in a very matter-of-fact fashion, without melodrama or exaggeration. The way in which you tell the story makes it seem extremely realistic, so much that I was wringing my hands while reading it! I could really feel what you must have been going through, though it was forty years ago. Such is the magic of good writing.

I definitely don't think that you have told too much. The straightforward style you employ is very effective. What really struck me is that this is not the first time I have heard this story. Even my mother told me that she got her driver's license not by passing a test, but by having nice eyes, according to the examiner. It's scary to think about how commonplace such experiences are. But writing about it is great therapy, is it not?
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Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent story! I would be surprised if this doesn't get a good mark. What grade is it for, if you don't mind my asking?

Your story is a very realistic reflection of the challenges and pitfalls of raising a teenager. It is a very familiar story to me, as now that I am grown up I have a much deeper appreciation for what my brothers and I put our parents through. So much of the story rings true, especially the thoughts and feelings of the mother. It is all very believable and honest. I also like how it contains a warning about being more of a friend than a parent; I have seen the dangers of this scenario several times.

Since it is for school, I am going to pick it apart like a teacher ;). Here are some things that could use correcting:

"...leaving so much as a dime..." The correct use of this expression would be "without leaving so much as a dime."

"...I still feel faulty." Say "at fault" instead. Faulty means defective or broken.

"...making it even more so painful..." A bit awkward. Try "making it all the more painful to endure."

“Hi sweetie, just checking up on you”, I smiled You forgot the period at the end.

"...in ways words had no meaning." I know what you are saying but it comes across rather awkwardly. Try "in a way that required no words," or something to that effect.

"head over heals" Should be "head over heels".

"Hayden was apart of..." Should be "a part of."

"Vodka, Rum, Whiskey, Gin, Irish Crème, Brandy, and even Wine stood before me." Two problems: of all these words, only "Irish" needs to be capitalized. the rest should be lower-case, because they are not brand names. Also, you meant to say "Irish Cream", not "Irish Creme". "Creme" refers to heavily sweetened and flavoured liquers that are not cream-based, like Creme de Banane or Creme de Menthe.

"I wished I could emgulf into it" Doesn't quite make sense. Try "I wished it would engulf me."

My last point regards the ending. In the last two paragraphs, it sounds like the mother had been lying on the floor for two weeks. Read it again and you might see what I mean.

"I don’t remember exactly how long I laid on the bitter floor."

"It couldn’t possibly be Bridgette; she had been gone for almost two weeks."

There is no transition between these two sentences, nothing to suggest that she had gotten up off the floor at some point and tried to resume her life. When you say "I woke up panting," I thought she had fallen asleep on the floor, and then I realize that two weeks had passed. Had she really slept that long? The ending itself is good; you just need to re-write it to make it flow better. Maybe something as simple as a new paragraph at "I think I began to hallucinate." Like, "Over the next few days, I think I began to hallucinate." Then the reader will know that time has passed, and the rest will make perfect sense.

Great story, though. Let me know how you do.
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Review of Tattoo Artist  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I must say that I really enjoyed this story. You keep it short and to the point, yet you manage to paint a convincing picture of Don's motivations, and you portay his derangement in a chilling and effective manner. I was almost relieved that something more horrible didn't happen to the customer. Don's mother is great, very Stephen King-ish, though King certianly can't claim ownership on the psychotic religious mother characters.

A few technical details:

Little typo here: {“I noticed that you don’t seem to have any tattoos,” She said quietly} "She" should be lower case, as I'm sure you know.

The only real issue with this piece involves dialogue, and is a mistake so common that it is practically an epidemic, at least on this site. Here is the rule: if you are going to attach narrative to a line of dialogue with a comma (making it one sentence), the narrative must contain a dialogue tag of some sort (he said, she whispered, etc.). If the narrative does not include a dialogue tag, then the dialogue should be one sentence (ended with a period instead of a comma), and the narrative another.

Here is an example of this common error: {“I get asked that a lot, actually,” he admired his work for a moment...} This should be two sentences, because without a dialogue tag, the dialogue and narrative have nothing to do with each other, and don't belong in the same sentence. There are at least three or four of these sentences on this story.

Here is how it is done as one sentence: {“I was always warned against getting a tattoo of a name,” she continued after a moment of silence...}

As two sentences: {“Yeah, that’s the one.” She was sipping the water, watching him carefully.} You can see the problem if you were to replace the period with a comma after "one".

Aside from that, it is well-written and well-paced. Good job.
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Review of Desecration  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Being somewhat of a sucker for extravagant language, this piece was appealing to me from the start. Your rich vocabulary and somewhat archaic phrasing is well-suited to the subject matter here. I could find no fault in the pacing; the story is about as long as it needs to be, I would say. If anything, I would have preferred a longer ending, a bigger payoff for all of the suspense. Maybe the daemon taunting and distracting him as he tries to read the scroll, more of an epic confrontation. No matter; I wouldn't have you change your ending on my account.

As far as dialogue in concerned, I can hardly fault you for omitting it, as I am pretty terrible at it myself and have yet to write a story that features a lot of it. Having said that, good dialogue is a primary feature of all my favorite writers, practically.

Regarding the plot: the reader must take a lot for granted here; that it is remotely plausible for such scrolls and ancient caverns to exist, for instance. Maybe more back story is required to establish a realistic setting before all of the crazy supernatural stuff starts happening. Otherwise it is sort of Hollywood-style, which may very well be fine with you. Sorry if I'm not making myself very clear...in any case, the question is, how long are you willing to make the story? Barring any size constraints, I'd say that you have room to add all kinds of stuff, given the premise; more back story, more terrifying ordeals leading up to the climax, etc. Just a thought...

Now on to the technical details...not much to report here, but I did notice a few things:

{How brutal hard it is to hear from your doctor— your sole protector from the gates of death— declaim in that flat voice which...} Is it just me, or does this sentence not make sense? Remove the words between the hyphens and try reading it again if you don't see what I mean...

Some words which should be hyphenated: day-lit, half-rotten, night-stalking...I think there was one more...

"...and recover some of the fortitude which had gotten me thus far." I think you mean to say "this far". Consider the following example: "Thus far, I have only made it this far." They are not exactly interchangable.

"There’s must have been frightful lives..." "Theirs".

There was also a spot where you used "it's" in the possessive sense...damned if I can find it now...

The biggest issue with the story is the narrator...is he telling the story from beyond the grave? The problem with first-person is that it gives away to the reader that the protagonist has survived any and all ordeals he encounters in the story. Yet your main character is telling the story of his own demise. It also gets confusing in that you start the story in present tense - "They say I have three months to live" - and switch to past tense for all of the action. This suggests that the end of the story actually precedes the beginning. Do you see what I'm saying?

I'm not trying to unravel your story, as I think it is really good and has tons of potential to expand into a longer piece. What I'm saying is that it's hard to do this story justice in such a short format. All of that aside, this was a good read and I really like the premise.

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Review of The last time  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This is quite s suspenseful story, and you employ a lot of cinematic action throughout it, really dragging the reader along with Terry to share in her fear and confusion.

Unfortunately there are a lot of errors and typos all over the piece, which are distracting when reading it. Did you proofread it at least twice before posting? If not, I would recommend doing so in the future.

You say you still need to edit it, so I'm going to assume that you already received a lot of suggestions. Even so, let me fire off a few:

You have commas at the end of some sentences instead of periods. { With each nostral stuffed with almost a meter of dressing to keep the bones in place, she arrived home still groggy from the anisthetic,}

Some spelling errors/typos: nostral (nostril), anisthetic (anesthetic), cacoon (cocoon), fasceted (faceted), rapping (wrapping), rid dens (riddance),...the second half of the piece seems to have fewer errors than the first, for some reason...

Punctuation on the outside of quotation marks: {“What’s happening Mummy”,} {“Don’t worry it’ll be ok”,}

Missing punctuation: {“I want to talk to you, you know I….Terry let me in”}

Period instead of question mark: {“Terry, Terry, are you awake”.} { “Mummy, what’s wrong with Daddy”,}

If you've already heard this from someone else, I apologize. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm cutting up your story.


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Review of A Ship of Thieves  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Interesting choice of subject matter; I wonder what inspired it. I like the language you use, and the dialogue is handled well. I think the story suffers from being too short; it is more of an anecdote than a story unto itself. Such a short piece is good in the online environment, as more people are likely to read it over a lengthy item, but in this case I am left feeling somewhat shortchanged, as if the severing of the thief's hand shouldn't be the climax of the story, though you did describe it in brutal detail.

A couple of small errors: You missed a quotation mark before "The way this journey's going..."

Also, "lightening" should say "lightning".
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Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Kathie, this is a very emotional piece and you handled it very well, without resorting to language that is preachy or sappy. There is also a certain measure of suspense regarding the fate of young Angela; the reader has the feeling that something terrible will happen to her, can maybe even guess what it is, but does not find out for certain until the end. This story involves an experience that is unfortunately quite common, and therefore easy to identify with. Sometimes common experiences are the ones that hit home the hardest.

Regarding your concern about shifting tense, I am not sure why you changed tense at all. Your first four paragraphs jump between past and present: "It is a gloomy day..." Present. "The booming of thunder felt like..." Past. "...she stopped at the guardhouse..." Past. "...she watches while her purse is searched..." Present. It jumps erratically in this fashion at first, and then uses past tense for the rest of the story. My first recommendation would be to use past tense the whole way through, for simplicity's sake. That way, there can be no mistake, and there is absolutely no reason why you can't do it that way. But if you are set on using present tense for the scene at the prison, and past for everything else, you simply need to comb through the story, and change all the verbs to present tense where it is applicable. This would include the first four paragraphs, and also: "Suddenly, Selena was (is) rudely brought back..." "The iron door swung (swings) closed behind her..." "Selena wanted (wants) to run." "Walking back through the gates, she allowed (allows) herself..." You see why sticking to past tense might make more sense, in the interest of simplicity?

I also noticed a very common error in dialogue, one that I see in nearly half of the pieces I review on this site. Not everyone agrees with me on this, but to me it is not a matter of opinion, but of proper usage and form:

She was nervous, "Daddy, I might fail again." {This should be two sentences, with a period after "nervous", or at the very least a colon.}

Roger wrapped her in his protective arms, "You won't. I will not allow it!" {Same deal here. Put a period after "arms". The dialogue stands on its own as a complete sentence, and doesn't need to be joined to the preceding narrative by a comma. Otherwise, it reads in a fragmentary fashion.}

Otherwise, very well done! Please let me know if you would like me to clarify any of my comments, as I would be more than happy to oblige.
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Review of The Gloaming  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting story...it reminds me of some of Stephen King's work, but without the more gruesome elements that I was expecting. You handle dialogue very well; as someone who sucks at dialogue, I have great admiration for this skill. I'm curious as to where your ideas sprung from, or what inspired you to write such a strange story.

Not much in the way of corrections to be made, though I did find a few little problems:

“I didn’t even get to eat them.” He said blankly. {Should be one sentence: "I didn't even get to eat them," he said blankly.}

"Born there." He said. {Same deal: "Born there," he said.}

"Where you from?" He asked. {Same deal again: 'he' should be lower-case. You only make this error on a few sentences, so maybe it is a careless typo?}

His smile disappeared, “You aint seen cold.” {Opposite problem here; should be two sentences: His smile disappeared. "You ain't seen cold."}

Otherwise, good job. Nice work on the setting.
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Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
An impressive little story! You have a confident and concise style; I get the impression that you could get much more descriptive if the story were to call for it. I reckon that it's difficult to write a story of any sort of completeness is so few words, but you have managed it remarkably well. It is not so much a story as a snapshot of your character's life. It makes for an interesting charcter sketch, and surely Alex is someone that you could use in a more complete story or novel. I wonder, as I always do, how much of Alex's personality is borrowed from real life, from someone you know or even yourself?

I like the format of the story, incorporating Alex's to-do lists into the narrative without being cheeky about it. Very nice ending as well.

You have earned my first five-star rating, mostly because you have written a short piece that is just long enough, and you have done so with impressive style. I'm also impressed that you managed to make an unremarkable story interesting in spite of itself. I will be sure to check out your other works; I might even learn something from them...
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Review of REDEMPTION  Open in new Window.
Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a pretty good first effort. It is an interesting idea, following the character into the afterlife and recounting his experiences. It is a short piece but has enough vivid details here and there to give it some sense of realism.

A few things to point out: the first sentence is a little awkward. You have verbs (feeling, revealing), but no noun to attribute them to. Maybe this was intentional, but it really should begin "I felt/I feel the icy blade..."

Which brings me to my next point; you shift tense a few times throughout the piece. The first section is mostly present-tense (I look, I stand, I am, Is there, etc.), but at least once you lapse into past tense (I felt). The second section, where the character enters heaven, begins in present tense and then shifts to past tense for the rest of the piece. You need to stick with one tense for the whole piece. I would suggest present tense, since it works pretty well in the first section.

A couple of spelling errors/typos: "Wonderously" and "wonderous" should be changed to "wondrously" and "wondrous". "Hanous" should be "heinous".

I feel that the story could have a better conclusion, something to tie his experiences in hell and heaven together. What does your character learn from his experiences with life and death? What changes does he experience in the afterlife? Or is it more a matter of, "Sweet, I'm in heaven! This is so much better than being in hell!" The story feels like it is leading towards a message of some sort, to me anyway.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my grandma too this year. Learning to deal with death is a unique experience, one that can teach us a lot about ourselves, I believe.
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Review by Split Infinitive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great story! I commend you for putting yourself in the perpective of the main character so well. It had the potenatial to get confusing or convoluted but you kept it on track very well. What's more, you present the disorder in a way that is believable and sympathetic. I have to wonder how different the story would have been if you hadn't given away the personality disorder thing in the description...I'm sure the reader would figure it out soon enough, but how long would it take?

Anyway, I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty of pointing out some issues. Most have to do with word choice, a few with sentence structure...I think that's about it. Let me know if you need me to clarify.

Word choice:

"My insides heaved and trashed about..." Perhaps you meant to say "thrashed about"?

"Sleets of rain". "Sheets of rain" would be more appropriate, since sleet refers to a mixture of rain and ice pellets, usually.

"...seemingly imperfections and ugly flaws". Doesn't make sense; use "perceived imperfections".

"She (we) was the epitome..." Nice idea, but it doesn't read well. For this to work, you'd have to use "She was (we were) the epitome..."

"...when a part of me has been cruelly wretched away." The word you want to use here is "wrenched".

"...as I trashed about." "Thrashed" again.

"Is she a danger to herself?" my father's words... {This should be two sentences. Capitalize "My father's".}

"You lost control just now," my dad managed to look... {Two sentences again.}

"They moved towards me, and I invariably stiffened." Word choice; invariably means always, every time. Not sure if this is what you want to convey here.

"...she was never at a loss for words to say." Redundant. "Loss for words" will suffice.
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