Even if you aren't doing NaNo, this is a great way to dive into your story! I love doing this when I'm not sure where my story is going and I need to dig deep into my characters and their motivations.
This is so heartbreaking. You have capturing the feeling of home, while admitting you haven't yet found yours. And yet you still hold out hope that the reader has found their own home, their own happiness. This lends a piece of happiness to your sad poem. Good job.
This is interesting. I would never have considered having an inner anything other than a child or characters. But equating your feelings of fight or flight to a horse is really fascinating. Nice job.
I did feel like you just kind of touched on the surface of everything though and could have explored this more.
You seem to have either an extra period here or are missing part of your ellipses: plausible. today.
That was so cute! I had a smile on my face by the end! It's so good that you have a humorous outlook about walking like a turtle. It's not fun to have people walk faster than you and not wait for you. I really liked this and the imagry.
Just one small grammar comment:
on turtle let’s --there should be a comma after on and another one after turtle.
This is a really interesting idea and could be a powerful statement. I think you lessen the power with the repition of Mister president. If you repeated it a few times, it would be more powerful, but by repeating it every line, the words blended together and I had a hard time reading it. Possibly rewriting it with all the sentences and not as many uses of Mister president would work. Also put some line spacing in to make it not flow together so much. The ideas were very good and very instructive.
I have the following grammar suggestions:
president should be capitalized
to gods wisdom--should be God's wisdom
dishonest--should be dishonesty
Overall:
Ken submitted to a contest but discovers that his answer is not correct. Was his answer wrong? Or were there mysterious forces at work? A cute and humorous look at something we’ve all had trouble with.
What I especially Liked:
I loved the humor here. And the different reasonings for the story being changed. The Sock Monster and Dust Bunny at the end made me laugh out loud.
What Needs Improvement:
I feel like there could have been more to this story. It seemed almost unfinished and too short.
Spelling and Grammar:
Didn’t notice any.
Other Comments:
I’d love a sequel or a continuation for StoryMaster and the minions or lengthen this story!
Overall:
This brings to mind the old epic poems—like Gilgamesh.
What I especially Liked:
The soaring, haunting feeling the lines evoke. I especially like the first stanza and the lines: “The rule of dragons is no more;
a faded memory,
a legend from the days of yore -
not even history.”
What Needs Improvement:
I didn’t see anything I feel needs improvement.
Spelling and Grammar:
No spelling or grammar issues noted.
Other Comments:
I’m not as confident reviewing poetry as I am with stories, but I did enjoy this poem.
Overall:
Aaron “awakes” in his coffin to discover he has 8 hours to tip his “balance” to either the good or the bad and decide whether he goes to heaven or hell. Which way will he end up? I love this idea. And the characters of Aaron and L were hysterical.
What I especially Liked:
L. I loved L. Totally hysterical and what a great “conscience”.
What Needs Improvement:
You seem to have a habit of saying a name and then putting punctuation (Aaron. Focus! Or Aaron? Is that you?) instead of (Aaron, focus! Or Aaron, is that you?) You might want to revisit those types of sentences.
Spelling and Grammar:
score.?—no period
Other Comments:
I really enjoyed this. And it was nice to read a story without any real grammar or spelling errors.
That was so very pretty. I love the images you invoke with your words. Especially the lines “Patterns splay out; mimicking trails” and “masked pigments across many scales”. Such beautiful ideas. I’m not sure what an interlocking rubyait is, but since you won second place, I’m sure you did it well. Congrats on your win!
What a fantastic plan! I'm sorry that publisher treated you so rough, but it sounds like you have the plans to see it through and make it even better. Stick to your goals, make sure you keep track of where you should be and where you want to be, but don't let yourself be overwhelmed.
This is really sweet. It brings to mind the sweet summer days and dancing in the sunshine. I really like the images you invoke with your "dance like dandelions" and the "mosaic fields". I would love a second verse that's your girlfriend's answer (or your version of it. Thanks for sharing.
This is a really cute story that would be great as an anti-bullying story. I would suggest instead of writing it as journal entry, you write it as a short story or a children's book. Most kids (which I think should probably be your audience) would not read a journal entry. In addition, you'll need to go back and check your spelling and grammar. Definitely a good idea for an anti-bullying piece though.
I really like the range of emotions you have in this. You go from very excited to the depths of despair to excitement again. I also like the idea of the journal entries.
I would possibly suggest spelling out words like Christmas and numbers. Also adding a bit more description. I know you were probably intending for this to be written by a teenager, but adding more description will only make this strong.
This was creepy and really interesting. The dialogue is really strong and you draw the reader in. I'd love to know what happened before to lead to this. And why they're waiting for this new world. I love the idea that one person locked them in.
Check for missing commas. I noticed at least one... out there Cynthia. After "there".
Very interesting. I like the idea that you took the song and rewrote it with your own ideas. What a fabulous idea. And really caught the idea of moving towards Eden. I like the descriptions and the connections. Especially the phrase "shapeshifting my future".
Wow very powerful. I really like the way you go from describing depression to the depths (and suicidal thoughts) to asking for help. You've really captured the way a lot of people feel so helpless in the face of something many people don't understand.
One line seems to have an extra number or something:
Depression 1-love you've beat me I confess.--Might want to check that.
That was the only one that jumped out at me, the script made it a little difficult to read.
What a beautiful description of an earth goddess (at least that's the idea I got). And the effects people are having on our world. You've really done a great job describing and laying this out.
I would suggest making this a little bit longer and giving your reader an idea of what comes from the trees she has hidden in her bedroom. I was left wishing I knew more about that.
Spectacular! What a twist! You did a great job with this! I did find myself intrigued by the characters, although I did have to keep reminding myself who was who. You might want to add some description to make it easier to tell them apart or make their names less common or a little more distinctive. Overall I did enjoy the story.
Here are some grammar/editing comments to use or discard:
everything is yours between you and your brother and your Mom—Everything is yours except what goes to your brother and your mom.
with them I will—them comma
Your Dad—possessive followed by dad means dad should be lower case (same with mom, grandpa, aunt, etc)
This is an interesting topic and I’m glad I went ahead and read it, despite it not actually being titled. I happen to love zombie movies and one of the things I love about them is some of the things you were picking on. I love making fun of all the people who can’t seem to figure out the right way to kill the zombies. This was a wonderful laugh today!
The following are my suggestions after reading your essay and it’s your choice if you use them or not:
I would move your title up into the title space, more people will be drawn into the essay by the actual title.
Make your script a little larger and darker, I had a bit of trouble reading the small, lighter color print.
The rest are grammar issues that I discovered as I was reading.
how ever have—however
of they once—the
But, gay vampires—generally speaking a sentence should not begin with But. Begin with However, etc.
but oh God your turning—but, oh, God, you’re
and udder shock—utter
“Johnson, come on quit playing. Johnson come on man. –come on, quit playing. Johnson, come on, man.” Also Johnson, come on, man. is a fragment.
**when you are making a list 1) 2) 3) make sure you either put commas in or don’t put commas in at all. You are not consistent. It’s your choice which you do, but you need to have a comma after 1), 2), and 3) or no commas whatsoever.
and udder shock—utter
security/ police—no space
3armed mindless—this makes no sense
Hot wet or humid places—Hot, wet, or humid
Hot wet or humid places would be far worse speeding up the rate of decay—Hot, wet, or humid places would be far worse for a dead human body and would speed up the rate of decay. Or something to that effect. There is nothing in your sentence that states what is decaying.
preferably hot humid states—hot, humid
will have cleaned its self up with all the zombies having been decaying to the point in—will clean itself up as all the zombies decay as the tendons and…
One of the best known and (in my opinion) most awesome and underused people in mythology are the Sirens. You’ve captured the grace and terror of them in this poem, short as it is. Very nice job. I got chills reading it and they weren’t from the air conditioner.
I would go back and look at your third stanza and see if you can add one more line. The rest of the stanzas are four lines, but for some reason that one is only three and it makes the reader stumble just a little.
Other than that, just two left out punctuation marks:
As a cat owner, I couldn’t resist checking this poem out. And I did have to laugh because perfectly describes just about every cat I’ve ever owned—hates everyone but the owner. You’ve captured the essence here and cat lovers and haters alike can appreciate it. Not to mention capturing what it means to be owned by a cat. Nicely done with no seen grammatical or spelling errors. Thanks for sharing!
Oh very good. You really capture the feeling of excitement and anticipation of stealing a base. While it wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, you kept me on the edge of my seat with your word choices and your rhythm, keeping the flow going nicely. Your use of rhyme worked well and the poem flowed smoothly from start to finish. The only place I stumbled was where you had “I must read him,/And read him good.” That seemed a bit off. Other than that it flowed nicely. Good work.
This is very sweet. I like the description of his lips and how you want just one more kiss. I'm not familiar with the form of senryu, but I am of Haiku and you have accurately captured the form. Lovely job and beautiful descriptions. I love the use of the alliteration.
This is a really cute story about the three girls. I really like how you dealt with something that is definitely an issue in schools (bullying) in a fun manner. The way Ellen handled Brenda by not fighting and actually finding a way to best her without being mean was awesome!
That being said, the writing was stilted in a few places and I felt like I never really got to know your characters. I know Ellen wants to be a writer, but how old is she? What grade is she in school? What else can you tell me about her? What about Jamie? What else can you tell me about her? And her brother Timmy? I'd like to know more about him. Finally the only thing I know about Brenda is that she's a bully. I don't know if you were limited on the amount of words you could use, but I'd love to know more about these characters.
And lastly, I have a few grammar and punctuation comments. You do not have to use these, but they were some of the things I noticed as I was reading. One thing you should remember is people speak in contractions so that's always a good thing to write in.
You might want to make the font a bit bigger, the smaller font is not always easy to read.
Move the word count to the end of the story.
Bold or center your title if you’re putting it in the body.
okay girls?" The –okay comma girls; remove the Â
Everything is good—Everything’s
Jamie wanted her brother's secret, secret.—this sentence is awkward. Try—Jamie had wanted her brother’s secret to stay that way. Or Jamie hadn’t wanted her brother’s secret to get out.
Here is your—Here’s
saying, "I'm sorry." I have—‘I’m sorry’?
home. How can—remove Â
"then she—Then
mouthed, "you'll –You’ll
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