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Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Madame Pele Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello!

Thank you for allowing me the privledge of reviewing your work.I want you to know that I will be as fair and tactful as possible. Nothing in my review will be directed toward you. It takes a lot of courage to display your work for other's critique, and I hope I do your work the justice it deserves. If you have any questions on it, please don't hesitate to ask.

Mdm Pele - working on What Happen's In Vegas ...

Here goes:

Title of novel: Danger’s Playground Chapter: 1

Author: tspresley

Chapter number: 1

Round: 1

Setting: You have a good start at the setting. However, the paragraphs describing the house and the lot, are a bit confusing -- I think they may be out of sentence order, or just need a thoughtful go-through. On the house details, walk through the house: what's on the main floor. What's upstairs, in the basment. As if you would take a guest through the home.

The lot could use some more color and texture.
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During that first year, everything seemed to be <was> in perfect honeymoon bliss. Mystique gave her two weeks notice two years after they got married. As a wedding gift, the company <hers or his?. {/c] offered to build their dream home and fronted some of the costs. They sat down and drew out <plans> <and wrote up> the specifications together. They purchased an acre and a half of land. <they purchased the perfect lot. An acre and a half of land with … give a feel for their perfect location in a new paragraph>
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Character Development: I'm not sure what Mystique looks like, nor her husband or anyone else involved. However, their personalities are beginning to come through nicely.

Biggest question: Who's Dierdra? Maybe I missed it...

Historical Referencing: NA

Plot: Im enjoying it. As a matter of fact, I was laughing my ass off by the end! (I hope you meant it to be funny...)

Grammatical: normal for a first run. Tense continues to be a problem throughout the piece. There are a couple of sentences that are either passive, or fragmented.
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An office upstairs for Mystique, now that she was starting her own clothing business with Deidra as they discussed in prior years. <fragmented sentence structure> They
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General: It's a nice, funny start to a book. It makes me want to read more and find out what happens next.


The balance of the review is posted in the Romance workshop...
I'm just going to blather here to get my 250 wordcount because this silly wordcount on this silly screen isn't quite right. So pardon my blathering on and on and oh what the hey?

It's partly cloudy today in Portland, Oregon. Should be up to 50 degrees, too, and the sun is breaking through. I wish it were 70. I much prefer 70-85. Oh well.

blather blather , on and on and on and oh what the heck, aI'm almost at 250 wordcound per the silly counter..... Funny but with your whole first chapter posted here, it only counted 110 words! very very bizar. it must be broken.

Pfflesnort.

and it is at 141 characters! Yay I might actually make 250. It seems to give me one character for every 5 or 10 I type. very bizaar. I think someone goofed on the software.
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Review of Seed.  Open in new Window.
Review by Madame Pele Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an awesome piece! I have a friend who is a teacher (Sylvan Learning Center), and I'm sure she'll enjoy it. Thank you for sharing. You made my evening.



One minor issue, I, personally would break the last stanza

It awakens, yawning and stretching
Towards the sun's rays,
And like the colors of the rainbow,
It will bloom against the great blue sky.

It reads basically the same, but is more visually appealing. Otherwise I'd have given a 5, and I don't give 5's.

Happy New Year!
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