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12 Public Reviews Given
43 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Amber's Gift  Open in new Window.
Review by M. S. Barnes Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I really liked your story. Your descriptions was great. I noticed that one time you put " around Ben Folds Five and the next you did not. There was also a time went you put <i>Wait! Don't go!</i>. you probably should fix that. They story made me cry. Probably one of the best ones I have read here. Great job on writing.
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Review by M. S. Barnes Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
There. Great job. I would go ahead and add this to the other one. Both of them are not very long. There is a little bit a proofreading needing to be done. Go over it a few times more. After that you can have someone else proofread it, too. If you want me to do it just email me.
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Review of Wolven: Prologue  Open in new Window.
Review by M. S. Barnes Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
"A fire burned behind his eyes that seemed would be the equivalent to a thousand raging forest fires. " *jaw drop* I love how you did the intro.

The middle of the second paragraph seems a bit unclear.

"fight, fight" comma could be a "." or ";"

"killing him tonight, that he could" You could start a new sentence here.

This seems to be a very intense scene. Maybe you could try adding some short sentences. It could add to the intensity.

There seems to be a few run-on sentences. I think that is why in part it is not very clear what is going on.

I like the ending.
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Review by M. S. Barnes Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
ROTFL (rolling on the floor laughing). I am not sure if you intended to be funny or not. I think it was because I have had to wardrobe mishap too. I did not expect the ending. I just figure you did bad because it was you first time. You wrote this very well.
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Review of Fire in The Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by M. S. Barnes Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
holy cow! I would suggest continuing your story. You stopped just as the tempo was picking up. I like the intro and how you backtracked. Please continue the story. It just stopped. I want to know if you were safe. What happen between the end here and the time the are safe. This is great.
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Review of Railway Platform  Open in new Window.
Review by M. S. Barnes Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

It's rat race of lesser mortals, porters running to get the baggage from the passengers.

He(suggest maybe giving him at name) is a coolie no. 73, he doesn't have any other name... apparently! He eats on (the)platform, he sleeps on (the) platform and he knows he is going to die on the platform as well.

Well(,) not a bad place to die, at()least he'll get (someone - instead of People) people praying for his dead body,(.) do you know how many people prayed for his half brother (maybe name him) when he died? Don't worry even he doesn't know! That's why (a) railway platform is much more death friendly place. Death is the only truth of life,(.) it is sure that it'll come (He is sure that it'll come) and (maybe take out "and" put . and to start a new sentience) here it comes...the train comes and with it a ocean of humanity. (...the train comes with it's ocean of humanity.)

He is a sworn animal lover,(.) in fact(,) he love animals so much that he want(s) to feel them inside himself and so in (he) dinner (dines) only ("on" instead of "eat")eat chicken, mutton, beef (or) whatever he can find,(.) today after getting high on marijuana during day time itself (I am not sure it "itself is important here.)(,)he want to feel train inside himself as he is sworn train lover as well.

He is standing at the end of platform (Then as he was standing at the end of platform, He started to shout,), shouting
"I'll jump in front of train if I didn't get..if didn't get.." well he is not ("wasn't"instead "is not")sure what he wants , then suddenly a hand, smooth like velvet grabs his right hand.

It's beautiful girl,(.) she looks straight into his eyes, he can see love, mercy blah..blah.. in her eyes(even though he is on (no "on") high), for the first time he feels love at first sight (.) earlier it was always lust at first sight.
She opens her mouth and speaks(, and no new paragraph)
"Is this platform number 3?"
He nods though he doesn't care if it is platform 83(is this suppose to be 3)(he doesn't care if it is platform 3 or 83), he keeps on looking at her when she leaves his hand and he falls down in front of train.

Don't worry train is not moving!

It seemed really confusing to me to first time I read it. That is why I made some suggests. I really like the ideas behind the story.
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Review by M. S. Barnes Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You did a really great job on this. There was one spot where you could add an "and" in a list of words. "she had felt: anger, concern, fear, love." I really like how you started. Other than the one spot, I did not find anything else to comment on. You did do a great job decribing things.
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Review by M. S. Barnes Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really liked your opening line. I loved how you used the images like the hands, signs, lead, feathers and the fire. I really liked the plot, but the story (at least for me) did not flow very well. I think it was because of the many grammar errors. Most of them where missing commas or run-on sentences. It is a great story other than the grammar errors. I have included some suggestions to help you. Keep writting!

Melissa S. Barnes

Here are suggestions.

“…waiting for you to do something wrong, to step out of line” “Do something wrong” and “step out of line” are about the same thing. Maybe you could get rid of one or the other. It does sound okay with both. That sentence is a list of things you could add an “or” between the words “wrong” and “to”. Same could be said for the next sentence. They are both run-on sentences. Here is a webpage: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run-on_sentence. Run-on sentences will bug some people and take away from the story. You have a lot of these in your story.

“Along the way I passed other, grander shops, each with intricately patterned curtains and beautifully hand painted signs.” I do not think you meant to put a comma after “other”. Maybe use a period after “shops” and start a new sentence.

““While the colours, lettering and borders differed, the messages remained quite the same: ‘Jews not admitted’, ‘Jews enter at their own risk.’ Or perhaps the simple, foolproof and ever-popular; ‘No Jews.’” You need to put a comma after lettering, because you have a list. You might want to put a semi-colon after “differed” or use “because”. You usually do not start a sentence with the word “or”. It leaves you with a fragment and not a sentence. You could reword it or you could also replace the period after “risk” with a comma. Then you make the “or” lowercase.

“Faint sounds of shouting seemed to…” You could get rid of the words “sounds of”. In the same sentence you could add an “and” before the word “more”.

“Up ahead a German mother and her son hurried through the rain in large, expensive leather coats.” You could add a comma after the word “ahead”. You could get rid of the comma after the word “large” and add “and”. You are listing two things. A comma only is needed when listing three or more. You have other places in the story you have lists with not enough commas.

“But I didn’t.” Again you usually do not start a sentence with the word “but”. You could just leave it out. The next sentence I am not sure about. You could put a comma after the word “one”. You might write it like this: “I kept walking with my head bowed, and my tears mingling with the rain until they were one.”

“I didn’t stop, as I passed the signs glaring down at me, daring me to enter, to test their wrath.” You could take out the comma that is after the word “stop”. You also could add an “and” after “enter” and take out “to”. You could also just take out the comma after the word “enter” and add a semi-colon after “me” instead of a comma.

“I never faltered, as I thought of that boy and his potential, his future and the wealth of decisions and experiences that lay before him.” You could take out the comma after “faltered”. Last part of the sentence could go be written this way. “…thought of that boy’s potential, his future, his wealth of decisions, and his experiences that lay before him.”

“For an instant I forgot about the numbness of my limbs and lapsed into my favourite daydream…” This could be a sentence by itself.

“…a classroom full of young chattering pre-school children and me in front reading them stories and pointing out all the wonderful things that Jewish people had done for the world.” This could be written: “A classroom full of young chattering pre-school children. I would be in front reading them stories and pointing out all the wonderful things that Jewish people had done for the world.”

“As quickly as it came the image faded, washed away by the insistent rain.” You could replace the comma after “faded” with a semi-colon.

“The sudden breaking of the silence was all I needed to rush out of the shop in a blind panic, uncaring of the tempest that awaited me.” You might want to reword this sentence. It could be written like this: “The sudden breaking of the silence caused me to rush out of the shop in a blind panic, and into the uncaring tempest that awaited me.”

“I headed nervously towards home again, a thousand explanations running through my head, each more disturbing than the last.” Could be written like this: “I headed nervously towards home again with a thousand explanations running through my head. Each thought more disturbing than the last.”

“Before I had made it to the end of the street I stopped dead in my tracks, the colour draining from my face and into my shoes.” Could be written like this: “I stopped dead in my tracks and the colour draining from my face.”

“Not wanting to more than anything else in the world but knowing that I had no choice, I slowly raised my hands in front of me.” You might want to reword the first part. I could not understand want you wanted to say in this sentence.

“There was no rain now, nothing to wash it off, nothing to do except run, run for home faster than I ever had before.” This could be written as this: “There was no rain now to wash it off. There was nothing to do except run. I had to run for home faster than I ever had before.”

“My legs were as lead and my head a feather, threatening to float away and leave my body to deal on its own.” This could be written as: “My legs were as lead and my head as feather. My head was threatening to float away and leave my body to deal on its own.”

“Still I ran, as fast as I could, faster than I could, not noticing or feeling anything but the rhythmic pounding of my feet and heart and the distance to my home that stubbornly remained the same no matter how fast I went.” This could be written as: “Still I ran as fast as I could; faster than I thought I could. I did not notice or feel anything, but the rhythmic pounding of my feet and heart. The distance to my home stubbornly remained the same no matter how fast I went.”

“Now accompanying the frightening sounds was the acrid smell of burning, the smell from fires that burn indiscriminately through wood, plastic and rubber. Perhaps worse things.” This sentence could be written as: “Accompanying the frightening sounds was the acrid smell of burning. These fires burn indiscriminately through wood, plastic, rubber, and perhaps worse things.”

“… horizon, reflected in the clouds and pillars of smoke now rising on all sides of the street.” This could be written as: “… horizon that reflected in the clouds and pillars of smoke now rising on all sides of the street.

“I noticed nothing, one thought and one thought only burning in my mind; to reach home and to reach home before…before anything happened; I just needed to get home and be with my family, nothing could happen before then.” You might want to reword this sentence and maybe make it two sentences.
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