I found that the paragraphing needs some work. I found it a bit chunky. Also the dialogue is lost amidst the descriptions. I really didn't get the essence of what this was about (although I will say that it sound a bit horror/halloweeny). However I do think you are a talented writer. It just needs a bit of improvement. :)
I really like the beginning. You have a real talent for pulling the reader into your story. There were a few grammar errors but a part from that it was fantastic. I like the way you have used different tense. I want to read more. Keep on writing. By the way great description.
The characterisation is great. I really followed the characters of Ms. Taylor and Mr. Ryan. The setting, however, was not so good. I had a hard time visualising the setting and the area this took place in. I like the repetition of the 'sound'. All in all, it was okay.
I like this a lot. I understand where the plot is going. I particularly understood the part Erin played in this text. It is descriptive. You showed what was going on most of the time rather than telling. I like the way the theme of night is echoed in the beginning and re-echoed in the end - all in all, it was very nice to read.
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