I found that the paragraphing needs some work. I found it a bit chunky. Also the dialogue is lost amidst the descriptions. I really didn't get the essence of what this was about (although I will say that it sound a bit horror/halloweeny). However I do think you are a talented writer. It just needs a bit of improvement. :)
I really like the beginning. You have a real talent for pulling the reader into your story. There were a few grammar errors but a part from that it was fantastic. I like the way you have used different tense. I want to read more. Keep on writing. By the way great description.
The characterisation is great. I really followed the characters of Ms. Taylor and Mr. Ryan. The setting, however, was not so good. I had a hard time visualising the setting and the area this took place in. I like the repetition of the 'sound'. All in all, it was okay.
I like this a lot. I understand where the plot is going. I particularly understood the part Erin played in this text. It is descriptive. You showed what was going on most of the time rather than telling. I like the way the theme of night is echoed in the beginning and re-echoed in the end - all in all, it was very nice to read.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mbachimere
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 9:15pm on Dec 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
