I am glad this was written, and that an introduction can be found here .. the author seems to have gone through a certain effort to write it .. however i have my beef with several points :
The piece is written in a factual manner , sadly little is known or can be believed about the facts themselves..
I had expected a more personal approach ..
a challenge or interpretation of the so called fact ,
an effort to portray the spirit of a man who has influenced one of the largest belief system on earth.
Literary wise its an easy to breath through piece, well punctuated and offers a soft introduction. shame its nothing more than a wikipedia page (albeit a well written one).
The technical structure is well formed, the foreign words explained and the piece starts nicely with a simple shocker.
Mesmerizing piece of mixed emotions,
the structure is sublime and the rhythm is a fast beat of the heart taking the reader from the fluttering embarrassing beat of the disobedient child the new student , the sudden writer, the reporter under gunpoint . the beat releases the clutch of the reader's heart with the somewhat soothing end...
If i may say sympathy for our heroin.. I believe touching other ppl's hearts or helping them see different perspectives is the reason why we write.
oh, and i believe the spell checker wouldn't catch this one : I went to the policed to report - police
I am also looking forward for what you post in the future :)
I can so relay to that I thought of myself... these thoughts warmed my soul. and I love that in these moments really you are more selfish than other times..
The piece is wonderful, blissful mood through the end of one's days is what i would want (will never know till I get there...),
the slow monotone pace is perfect for a dying situation, but what amazed me is that you managed to really display the mix of a non morose, blissful feel funeral mood. I enjoyed reading it and will revisit it, like one returns to a seaside spot to watch a sunset (it is just that isn't it ? a sunset ...)
looking forward to reading what else you have :D
(oh right pointing out the negative for constructive purposes...)
didn't like the title, sounds like a bob dylan song title (beautiful yet depressing song)
"It had come about from a lifetime of bad living and bad luck." <- i didn't like that ...
1 - for personal reasons , cancer happens regardless... and life happens
2- its very negative compared to the rest of it (so is better you than me but that one fits)
I hope you don't take this negatively , I mean its not much my style, despite the fact that I disagree on the concept of giving up your all for someone else, but it can be argued that I haven't found the special someone I'm willing to do that for ... anyway
"THAT I'M GONE BE HERE FOR YOU " <- gona?
AND I'M GONE CATER TO YA < - you/yo ya (I'm yo girl .. cater to ya..I'll cater to you.. clash of style is a big put off)
This seems to come from a very sweet place, the rough language puts an edge on the softness and the all caps is very aggressive (whereas I assume this should be soft)
I will say it has a lot of potential if you work on it ..
it expresses a powerful emotion for this person despite the rough packaging, and I'm sure you would like it to be understood as such.
Very nice, i especially enjoyed the rhythmic befits the austere atmosphere that reigns throughout the text...
The first couple of lines drew me instantly the second pair were a bit mushy (sorry can't quite put my finger on it).
The almost onomatopoeic like parts where nice, the story intriguing and overall seems to achieve its bit of mystery.
I was almost certain he would turn to a merman in the end :P too much Neil Gaiman I suppose, but as a moderate fan of Gaiman i was open to other possible ending...
The only critique i have is the
"Please, baby! You can not do this!" , I felt there was a bit of a clash in styles there ...
Overall awesome can't wait to read more of your work ...
The story seems intriguing and off to a good start, i felt however that the tempo was off , the rhythm of the piece is offbeat.... I can't quite put my finger on it .. is it the tenses in the first paragraph. nevertheless the description is fitting, I usually find too much of it .. I like your sense of "saying what ought to be", in the that this seems to have a balanced description. a few revisions with special attention to verbal structure and spelling would make it awesome.
I mean you very first word is misspelled "moring =>morning " ;
she slipped her black coffee slowly = > i suppose she sipped it?
I shook my head no = > shook my head is enough without the secondary emphasis on the negative.
bumping pass a gossiping gaggle girls => past ( and nice description on this one)...
its easy to avoid spelling errors and a piece is taken more seriously when there is less of it.. Oh, we all make them... can't wait to read the rest -Good luck
Only disconnected section was with
"He had formed a vision in his heart, born of love felt deeply,
that salvation from his pain lay in the perfect symphony."
as for the rest I loved it... it flows, musically speaking; and is perfectly attuned with the theme, starting with a simple mystery it drew me in its world quickly and captured my interest right through.
It's really fascinating story telling wise, starts with a hook, moves into a meaty body and a conclusion; and I mean an explanation via the ending.. a complete story in a poem :) you could almost here a faint tune within the structure, I wonder if I can write a musical background that goes along with it .. maybe a soft keyboard melody to accompany the reading ...
some question marks remain though, besides the main account,
is the composer a ghost now, or some sort of undead count ?
and although we can guess, I'm not sure we'll ever know,
what happened to the lover, he seemed to treasured so ...
:) keep it up its awesome :)
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