I liked this story from the first paragraph. It's important to have a good hook at the beginning. Some people will put the story/novel down based on the beginning alone. You kept me reading until the last sentence. It brought me back to when I was a kid. My attitude was the same as your main character. I guess it still is in a way.
Check the second paragraph in the story. You have "stared" instead of "started". Spelling check won't get that one.
Keep working on this fine story. Please don't keep us hanging. What adventure lies ahead? Good work! I look forward to reading more. Take care. StarMax
It does one's heart good to read such a letter. When someone isn't there, so many times there is anger, resentment, bitterness, and terrible hatred towards that person even if they try to make amends. Your letter is full of love and forgiveness. I am glad someone understands that it is never too late. As long as one has breath, there is hope. Keep on writing! StarMax
This is a good story. You have a solid beginning that hooked me in, and I had to read further. It flowed well and stayed on track through the middle section, keeping me interested all the way to the end. The end was excellent. At first, I felt the injustice the main character felt about being in the madhouse and the conspiracy going on. By the end, I felt sorry for her because of the delusions. A good story will make the reader feel for the character and identify with them. Your main character didn't come across as a cardboard cutout. Well done.
Technical Stuff: In this sentence: "I told them about the poker and the slashing and finally the relieve that made me fall asleep." I think the word "relief" would work better here.
Thank you for sharing this. It was a pleasure to read. Keep writing! StarMax
This is the first nonet I've read (or at least I think so). You have the syllables right for each line. I like the serenity of the setting. I also like how you leave the road open to interpretation of the reader. Well done. Keep writing! StarMax
I can understand and relate to this. The imagery is good. It reads smoothly. There is no punctuation, but that doesn't hurt this piece in my opinion. My favorite line is : "I rage against the world".
Technical Stuff: Line #7 seems like it needs an additional word to make it flow better.
Thanks for sharing this poem. Keep writing! StarMax
I like the rhyme and rhythm of this poem. I also like the way you portray the night as a friend and not a frightening entity. My favorite line is the last line.
In the second line, you named (past tense) the star and called (past tense) mine. I wonder if you change called to call (present tense) if that would be better.
It is good that you have the desire to write and have taken a first step. Here are some pointers that may help you.
1. If it's possible, find a place to write that is free from distraction. Let your wife and friends know how much writing means to you and that you'd like some time to yourself for writing. Be willing to compromise here. A laptop is a very good tool that will allow you to roam pretty much anywhere.
2. Write when you can. Get a little notebook (paper) and write down your ideas when they come to you.
3. Read. Read. Read. Read what you like and don't like. See what styles other authors use, how they handle characterization, plot, etc. Also analyze the sentence and paragraph structures, grammar, and punctuation. The technical stuff is important.
4. Glean ideas from your work day. Take the mundane and imagine extremes, like what would happen if you had to fly a jetliner upside down.
5. Review the works of others and carefully consider their criticism of your work.
6. Don't give up. Don't let a bad review or some jerk destroy your passion and dream of writing.
There's a lot more, but these six pointers should point you in the right direction. Write on!
This was a cool poem. It grabbed my attention, and I wanted to follow the lady too. Then bang! What and ending. I never saw that one coming. Very mysterious ending. From this poem, I can see a possible story. Write on!
I am a fan of short poems. In my mind, they paint a picture that can be simple or complex, literal or figurative, depending on how I feel at the moment. You've done well here to capture the emptiness a person can feel and the fear of being forgotten. Although it is a sad poem, I do like it. If the poem is about you, I hope you don't feel that way anymore. There is no reason for any of us to remain empty or to be forgotten. Write on!
This is a wonderful poem. My favorite line is "You died for me, how could you be so kind". Jesus asked for the cup of suffering be taken from him, but that the will of the Father be done and not his own. He followed his Father's will and submitted to death for us who didn't deserve it. That is kindness, indeed. What one of us would give up our life for some lowlife we didn't even know who wanted to kill us? Thank you for sharing this. God bless you!
StarMax
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/max76
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 6:52pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
