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The authenticity of this story impressed me. It reads like a true story which, of course, it can't be. It has certainly been written with deep knowledge of the subject.
It is a long story, but by following the advice I give below, it will be condensed.
Suggestions
Theoretically, this seems like a good opening, Standing here as I am I’ve never in my life felt as alone as I do now. It fulfils the criterion of starting at a tipping point because it's the most/first of something in the narrator's life. However, it's extremely dull. This sentence, and versions of it, is one of the most common hyperbolic-angst statements in novice writing.
You need something more imaginative, intriguing and less tiresome if you want to ensnare your readers. If you really can't bear to cut it completely, at least put it on a diet, I have never been as alone as I am, standing here. Then describe the physical scene, rather than his internal drama which, at this point of the story, we don't care about. Tell us where he's standing, and develop the story in a logical series of steps (scenes) from there.
You know you have over-indulged on the detail when you find yourself writing things like, in a nut shell. This is a precis of the three or four paragraphs detailing the job of a barge nevigator.
Back in Mexico, building oil rigs, I knew what my role was. I had a job to do. I gave co-ordinates to the tug-boat captain, and once I'd pinpointed the well-head using bottom scanners, I was responsible for positioning the barge over it. Then divers went down, and so began the construction of a new derrick. If you'll excuse the pun, we were a well-oiled team.
Here is the section about the transfer, with action and immediacy added. This moves the story on without a lecture on the intricacies of what a cargo-net is made of. Also, by making the characters act and speak, the reader gets a first glimpse of the narrator.
"You look as excited as a kid at the fairground. You're not just exciting about this ride, I think." Pete, the diver, called through the clanking and engine noise. We were sharing a ride on the crane's cargo basket, swinging twenty feet above the barge on our way to The Miss Sara Elizabeth.
"You bet, Pete. I'm still a newly-wed, it's my wife's birthday and Christmas too. What man wouldn't want to be home for all that?" I shouted. Below, I saw the deck of the ship, which would carry me to shore, approaching. In just twelve hours the Miss Sara Elizabeth would dock at [Whatever Port], and I would be another step closer to my beautiful [name of wife].
The whole story would benefit immeasurably from a rewrite along the lines demonstrated above.
The trick is to make every scene live and breathe, by describing each scene briefly and usually in reference to your characters, and their immediate actions and conversations. Only include the absolutely necessary details to create atmosphere. The priority must be to move the story along. Don't be tempted to toddle off down long backwaters. What you find fascinating about the technicalities of marine navigation will not interest the vast majority of your readership.
Don't tell us the story, show us.
Avoid flash-backs until you have the rest of the story down with active scenes. You will probably decide they're not needed. Writing effective flash-backs within flash-backs is a tricky technique, so skip it if possible. Use conversations to fill in back story, wherever possible, and if absoutlely necessary.
Take greater care over your sentence structure, and avoid unintentional repitition; Going back down below deck, I saw that he was looking frantically under the now waist deep water. After I asked him what it was that he was doing, he responded frantically. He insisted that he had to find his luggage Below deck I found him searching under the waist-deep water. He swept his arms wildly in a stooped, breast-stroke motion, peering through the murky sea-water with a gleam of hysteria in his eyes.
"My luggage! I can't find my luggage," he shouted.
Don't skimp on characterization. This will not do, Red was freaking out on a major level. That's fine for a marine navigator talking to his friends over a beer, but a writer needs to show what, freaking out on a major scale, looks like. What was he doing? What was he saying? Don't be over-wordy, but use words which show us something.
Choose words carefully to maximize meaning per word. This is a perfectly legitimate word, but is there a better one? After inventorying the water and what limited amount of dehydrated food there was... How about 'checking'? You can cut ...and what limited amount of..., because that's what's being checked.
This is awkward and repetative, The food on board was old and mostly out of date. What little water we had was going to prove to be extremely important.
So, try this, After checking the water and food supplies, I realized survival didn't rely solely on drowning avoidance. We had hardly any fresh water, and most of the dehydrated rations were spoilt.
The story about Abe is unimportant in comparison to the drama faced by the characters in the boat. The lesson it teaches is so rudimentary, it goes without saying, let alone having a whole little fable to itself. I strongly recommend cutting it.
Another important recommendation is to cut the ghostly and sentimental ending. It lets the whole thing down. The amazing struggle is magnificent, and the narrator simply has to survive; otherwise, who tells the story? Do not rely on a ghostly narrator, it turns a good story into a mockery.
I hope I have given you enough examples of how to improve the style, flow, structure and pace of your narrative. The rest is up to you .
I hope you work at it, because this is a remarkable story.
Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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