This was a very interesting delve into a world where cycles repeat but there appears to be no joy or peace. This was well written; you have a way with words that I found very enjoyable to read. There were a few mis-steps here and there (the word is stupor, not stooper) but overall I thought it was very well done.
I don't know if it was your original formatting or something that happened when you pasted your text on the web site, but your font is very small and hard to read. With lots of writing and few paragraphs, and no breaks when you have dialogue, visually it was hard to read since everything was so small and ran together. That is just a small side issue. The short story was well written. Keep writing!
I am coming in on the second chapter here, since I haven't yet read your first chapter yet. I like how you are slowly drawing out and developing the relationship between the two characters. Putting in details such as what they are doing or wearing is helpful for the reader to picture them.
I suggest you use commas much more than you have been. There is a lot of dialog in this chapter, and since they appear to be young people, you may want to make it more realistic by putting in more contractions (don't, you're, etc.). It also is more believable if there are some "you know's" and "Umms" in there. That is actually how people talk, and when you write that way the characters are more relatable and believable.
This is a good effort and I encourage you to keep writing!
Lovely story from your childhood. I brought back memories of my family of 8 (plus parents and a dog) visiting relatives.
You will want to double-check your punctuation. There are some extra commas and other changes you can make to make sure you are following grammar rules.
I liked that little surprise at the end - that was unexpected and you wrote it well. Keep writing!
This is powerful imagery. What is the rain? Loss? Depression? Medical problem? You do not say, and therefore whoever reads this puts their own interpretation on the rain and what it means. I've written similar poems stemming from loss and pain, but yours is much more eloquent. Nicely done.
Oh, how fun! Clever rhyming, too. I like that it was playful, light-hearted, and fun. Peter got what was coming to him in the end, but it wasn't too bad a punishment. He is sure to come back again with other practical jokes. I enjoyed this.
Well, this was intriguing! You sure got me with the "fiery ball of flames"! I'd like to read more and find out what is going on.
You have a few editing errors to clean up, but I like how you put his thoughts in italics. Not everyone does that, but it makes it easier for the reader when you do. To make it even easier to read you may want to put in spaces between the paragraphs and fix your line breaks. I hope you post more to this story.
This looks like a good start to a longer story. I got the feeling of creepiness I think you were trying to convey, as they made their way in the dark through the field and then into the house.
I was a bit confused on "sidekick". You named and described the other two boys, but only referred to the third as "sidekick". Is it possible to name and describe him also, with the implication (from clues provided by the writing) that he is a sidekick? Or will that be revealed later in your story?
I suggest some editing on some of your descriptions. "He waited patiently for his sidekick to let him in, who eventually did so, after a little bit of time." could possibly be written: "He waited for his sidekick, who eventually opened the door and let him in."
You also want to say "Connor knelt on the ground". There are others - I'm sure you can find them. It is intriguing and I'd be interested to read more of the story.
This is an interesting opening to your story. I like the dream world (or IS it a dream?) and the reality of trudging through high school.
You do have some editing to do. When he meets Maya for the first time, you change she to he when he exits his classroom. That is just one example, there are other edits to make. Edits are never done - we always are improving our stories. Keep writing!
This was short, but it packed a lot in it. I could easily visualize the scene. It makes me curious about the Firelands, and Frozenlands.
You do have some simple spelling/grammar corrections to make. It might make it easier to read if you separated the dialogue into paragraphs. I know on here you have to do that manually, but it does make it easier to read.
I greatly admire anyone who can write a rhyming poem. I am terrible at poems that rhyme. I liked your very much. The build up was great, affecting all the senses. You painted a word picture that was easy to 'see' and 'feel' and relate to. And then the soft twist at the end was a very nice ending. There were a few grammar/spelling mistakes I spotted but nothing to detract from the enjoyment of the poem. Thanks for sharing.
Lots of hurt and heart ache coming through in this poem.
I am not sure what "of heats miles away" means? Did you mean hearts? Also, I think you meant to write "saw" instead of "say" when you wrote "maybe you say it in my eyes"
I especially like the last 4 lines of the poem. I like how you compare him to a comet as opposed to a star. Thanks for sharing.
This poem explores aloneness, and loneliness, in a different way from what I've seen before. I like how you drew it out and summed it up succinctly. As an ambivert I can relate to this poem very well.
I would never had thought that a poem about dandelions could be so -- poetic. I loved how you wrote about this interloper as you call it. As someone who has fought the battle of dandelions for years I can relate to what you say about it. This was a poem about an unexpected subject. Well done.
Once upon a time there was a penguin who lived in the Seattle zoo. Everyday, with all the other penguins, he would swim and groom himself. He would look at the tall not-penguins looking at them, and he would eat and sleep. One day, the tall not-penguins who brought the food brought instead two new penguins. These penguins were girls, and they learned to swim and groom and eat and sleep with the rest of them. Because of that, he felt differently about the tall not-penguins who brought food. He wondered about the tall not-penguins who watched them. He noticed they came in different sizes. Some were in small groups, some were in big groups. The smallest not-penguins were even his size. He didn't know what to think about all these new thoughts. He tried to make friends with the new penguins. A group of tall not-penguins gathered a small group of them together and put them in a not-rock box. They went on a long voyage. It was noisy. It was scary. It was very smelly. There were many tall not-penguins coming and going. Until finally, the not-rock box opened and he felt the cold. It felt good. He moved forward, and walked out on the ice and snow. He could hear penguins in the distance. Lots of them. He could smell the ocean. With his other penguin friends, he waddled away from the not-rock box, to freedom.
I like these very much Caroline. Especially "Deep Like the Ocean" It is not easy to get the rhyming right. Your words invoked specific images and feelings when I read them.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maureens
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 10:58am on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
