Overview of Reviewing Process
First of all, let me start by saying it is very courageous of you to take the leap and start publishing your work for people to see and review. While this can be nerve-racking but it is a necessary step if you are serious about improving your craft-skills.
The following review is based on my experience from reading and reviewing poems in several University poetry classes, my knowledge of poetry that has come through reading hundreds (if not thousands) of professional and amateur poems, and my opinion/feelings.
I will rate your poem on ten items, and your overall star rating will be the average of the ratings given.
Please feel free to respond to this rating, ignore it, or only take the parts you wish and leave the rest. I will give you an honest review based on my experience and opinion. If you cannot handle it you may want to reconsider posting works for others to view.
Cheers,
MattyZink
Meter/Rhyme/Rhythm
Very few people believe that verse must have a perfectly regular meter; however, I believe it is still an important aspect of poetry. If your poem doesn't follow a meter, it must make use of rhythm to convey or strengthen meaning.
Your poem contains no decipherable meter, rhyme, or rhythm. Even simply ending every stanza with the same amount of syllables can help create an internal rhythm which helps carry the poem.
Rating: 1/5
Layout and line breaks
Line breaks and verse structure don't automatically make something a poem. The breaks work together with punctuation to show the reader how the poem is to be read. Reading out loud is important to find the natural pauses, and the places where you need to guide the reader.
The first two stanzas of this poem contain no punctuation, which means it should be read as one long sentence. I found it difficult to read this poem out loud as it contains very little guides to how it should be read.
Rating: 2/5
Form and Structure
The form and content of your poem should complement each other.
Your poem does this well, the topic is perfectly suited to a free-verse poem.
Rating: 5/5
Title
Your title should should add something to the piece, as well as drawing the reader in. Remember, your title is the first thing a reader sees, and they will only take a second to consider reader your poem or skipping it.
The title is mediocre, however it does add to the poem by defining it's subject. Many people make the mistake of using a line from the poem as the title, something which may make for a good title, but adds nothing to the poem.
Rating: 4/5
Sound
I always suggest reading your poem out loud. Remember, poetry was meant to be read out loud, not read in a quiet room by yourself.
Reading your poem in my mind it sounded okay, however, reading it aloud sounded very awkward and clumsy. This is something which takes away from the poem considerably.
Rating: 2/5
Subject
It's easy to forget that poetry is art, not a diary entry, nor journalism. If the poem deal with one of the 'big' subjects like love or peace it must show a new perspective on the issue.
You poem deals with one of the previously mentioned 'big' subjects, love. However, it reveals nothing new to the reader about this issue, and it doesn't show a different angle on the most written about subject. Also, this poem borderlines on a diary entry, and doesn't quite reach the level of art that is vital to good poetry.
Rating: 3/5
Internally consistent images
Metaphors and similes are a poet's tools, but they need to have some kind of internal logic. Consider 'the train disappeared into the tunnel like a mouse into its hole'. It's true that the tunnel entrance might be like a mouse hole, but can the train be like a mouse? It isn't shaped like a mouse, nor does it move like one.
Your images are consistent and well written, this is a strong point of the poem.
Rating: 5/5
Appropriate vocabulary/Clichés
Always avoid clichés, they do nothing but hurt your poem.
The whole last stanza of your poem is full of such images.
Rating: 2/5
Superfluous adjectives and adverbs
Often images come across more effectively if the reader has to work a bit: don't use a list of adjectives where one judiciously chosen one will work as well. Each adjective tends to weaken the noun; each adverb weakens the verb.
All your words were well chosen, I found no excessive wording in this poem, another strong point.
Rating: 5/5
Showing vs. telling
If you say 'I was happy' I have to take your word for it. If, instead, you tell me the symptoms of your happiness -- how you saw the world around you, how your body felt etc -- I can deduce your happiness for myself and empathize with it.
Your poem doesn't do much telling, but it also doesn't do much showing. You're right down the middle on this one.
Rating: 3/5
Final Thoughts
Overall not a bad piece. It's obvious from looking at your portfolio that you enjoy free-verse poetry. However, free verse isn't as 'free' as people would like to think it is. You have a lot of material in your portfolio, and you show great potential as a poet.
My overall recommendation would be to tighten up your verses, practice writing in several meters/rhythms, find what works for you.
Final Rating: 3.2/5 |
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