I just posted my three words on this story, and I can't wait to read it again tomorrow once some more has been added. I know that it's a group effort, but kudos to jay for getting it started! I'd recommend everybody check it out for a good chuckle. If only there were more "stories" out there like this one!
You have an interesting concept here, but I don't feel any connection with the characters. Do any of them have names? What are they actually saying to each other?
Also, almost all of your sentences use the same structure. They all begin with he, she, they, the men...Try mixing it up a little to help with the flow. It seems a little choppy the way it is worded.
Finally, the entire piece seems a little bit rushed. Try and establish some mood with a little more description of location, emotions, characters, etc.
Hope some of this helps...
Matt
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mattkelman
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 3:45pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
