I just posted my three words on this story, and I can't wait to read it again tomorrow once some more has been added. I know that it's a group effort, but kudos to jay for getting it started! I'd recommend everybody check it out for a good chuckle. If only there were more "stories" out there like this one!
You have an interesting concept here, but I don't feel any connection with the characters. Do any of them have names? What are they actually saying to each other?
Also, almost all of your sentences use the same structure. They all begin with he, she, they, the men...Try mixing it up a little to help with the flow. It seems a little choppy the way it is worded.
Finally, the entire piece seems a little bit rushed. Try and establish some mood with a little more description of location, emotions, characters, etc.
Hope some of this helps...
Matt
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