Not bad. I like the refrain, "Where is my love for you." I also like the absolute brokenness of the character, for lack of a better term.
Boiling with anger, and rage, and anguish.
Where is my love for you?
Embedded deep in the meat of my face
Below my cheekbones
The ghosts of so many tears having traveled those roads countless times
I woke up and saw oily hair matted to my scalp
And I thought of you
Good because the image of the tears embedding themselves into the girl's(?) "face meat" and causing "roads" to develop, or having followed roads already there--plus the image of the "ghosts" of the tears traveling a road, obviously in a state of utter oblivion and loss--often ghosts, etc., haunt a place because they can’t exorcise and/or cleanse themselves of bad, unresolved memories. So the ghosts of your tears are wandering these roads on your(?) face because they have not yet forgotten what happened to them before, when, as it were, they were alive, and then the following loss of that aliveness--"alive" perhaps being tantamount to when the intimate(?) relationship was actually happening. The ghosts do not forget. When will they? And how is true forgetting brought about?
However, can you see how you jump about more than a bit in this stanza below from images of the material to the non-material? (the corporeal to the incorporeal). I like it. I do. But the problem I think is that, if you look at the "memories": they deal with things that you never felt--you can't physically experience the flash of a face (as in touch, for example), and you can't feel a "touch you never felt." And yet then you move to something more mundane, seemingly perhaps material, and completely out of sync with the flashes and the memories and the incinerated sheets--each dealing with things either completely or almost entirely non-material--memories, ideas, images, ashes (soft, mere remains), flashes, “never felt,” “where?”--almost all of them entirely absent in terms of physicality. However, when you wake up and see the "twisted mess," the substance of the pain changes radically from the absent and the well wrought and fine imagery and metaphors to something, again, seemingly far more material, mundane, and yet nevertheless more indefinite and seemingly lacking the same level of definition (as the terms right above the “twisted mess,” just discussed) in terms of substance, space, and form, and specificity--and certainly quite childish in the choice of words. "I saw the whole twisted mess," like something a 15 year (girl) old might say to another 15 year old girl--can you hear that?
I can.
However, you did say that "This is a poem I wrote a long time ago," so perhaps I should keep that in mind when I say things like that.
Where is my love for you?
Rising with the ashes of my incinerated sheets
They were tainted with memories of something I never had
Flashes of a face
Or a touch I never felt
I woke up and saw the whole twisted mess lying on the floor
And I thought of you
My best wishes to you,
Matt Bohart
PS: Please feel free to reply—or to read my poetry online at this site (or anything for that matter)—and you can comment as much as you want—“no-holds- barred,” I mean. |
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