Mastiff's (mastiff) Reviews

Mastiff

Review Requests: OFF

224 Public Reviews Given

226 Total Reviews Given

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4585563

Review of As Night Falls

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello,

It's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It's kind of old school, and I like it. Doesn't give up any of the story, but sometimes a tease is good.

Initial Reaction: You locked me in with the movie they were watching. That was a nice vehicle to make people wonder what's happening in the world. I think I would have read it to the end regardless of the I Write 2020 contest.

Setting: It was apparent they were in some residence, but there weren't many clues past that. I know you have to get to the meat of the story quickly, but some description would help the reader get into the tale.

Character Development: I didn't know anything about the people in the story except their names. You might want to punch up the story by giving the characters some depth. That way a reader won't get lost on who did what.

Plot: It was very cool! Threading in the movie to give a false foreshadow was great.

Ending: That would just be so 2020. It was funny, but almost too real.

Line-by-line and Suggestions: I didn't see a thing. That is very rare. Kudos!

Adherence to Contest Rules: I looked for the prompt, but I didn't find it. But everything else looks just fine.

Overall Opinion: It was interesting. I'm not sure it would make me scream, but it had a very interesting twist.

Write On!

Mastiff

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

2

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4584008

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~On the Front Lines~"

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, and am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: Clearly I posted after you in I Write 2020. However, I'm glad I did. This is a very powerful piece!

How it made me feel: Concerned and pained, but ultimately hopeful. I could sincerely feel the exhaustion of the nurse and could commiserate. Even then, I know I've never been wrung out like that trying to save the lives of others. Well, maybe once, but a very different situation.

Points I thought you made: I recently saw a quote from a medical professional that basically said they were not on the front lines, but in fact the last line of defense against the virus taking your life. This seemed to catch the essence of that position, even if the title suggests otherwise. In the end it also gave a message of hope.

Anything Technical: Well, these are just personal preferences, but I'll note them:

I would rather see a poem fully punctuated or not at all. Of course you would use an exclamation point or a question mark if it were needed, but other than that, all or nothing. In your poem, removing all the but ellipsis would work for me.

Second, I don't like all caps unless it's the only way to get something accomplished. I would probably uppercase the two words to make it a "proper" noun, then use italics to give it the most punch. As I said, just my personal style.

Adherence to Contest Rules: The line count and everything technical is correct, but something tells me this isn't written from imagination. It just seems awfully real.

Overall Opinion: I enjoyed it very much. I gave a very raw view of just what's happening than many people just refuse to understand.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

3

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4581519

Review of A Woman's Place

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello,

It's Mastiff, and I'm going to review your work! I'm just an amateur, so take it all with a grain of salt, as it's just my opinions. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I appreciate being able to read it.

First impression:
It almost seemed like it was set in the past, but we aren't really told. We just have to take what we can from the descriptions, that are done fairly well.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I always prefer a beginning and an end. The writing was quite good, though!

Mechanics:

Para. 10 Ln. 1 - Add a space.

Overall - You write very well in this regard.

Things I Like:
The setting and dialogue was very well done. I followed it easily, and it kept me reading.

Adherence to Contest Rules:
I know it fits into the parameters of the Writer's Cramp, but have no idea on the prompt. I assume it was fine.

Overall Opinion
It's a glimpse, and I would have liked to see more.

Mastiff

4

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4574034

Review of Desert Adventure

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It sets the stage fairly well. We know what environment we're going to visit and a basic idea of where the story will take us. I would suggest you add a picture. For some reason, readers really like them. It's akin to the cover art of a book in my opinion.

Initial Reaction: I hadn't yet read the prompt, so it seemed like it was odd to go from making bread to heading to Egypt. In fact, if you could have tied it in somehow later in the story, it would really help the whole story. Perhaps the modern bread had an ingredient that was the only way to trap the beetles. Just a thought.

Setting: It's not bad once you get to Egypt. A few more senses could be added, taste and touch for sure, perhaps a few more smells. Why was the stench so appalling? Also, the kitchen is just generic, but few that are used for baking are that way. You had some wiggle room in the word count, so consider painting a little picture of it. Many people haven't had the fortune to be in what I assume is a house in the UK.

Character Development: I would have liked to have a good description of the narrator and main character of the story. There really isn't much there. The Fat One, or mummy, could have had a little more as well. On the plus side, working the rat into the story as the little sidekick was great! We get a good picture of him, too.

Plot: I think you did quite well with it once I read the prompts! I'm not sure I'd have even taken it on, frankly. Once we were past the baking scene, it really came together. The one plot hole I saw was someone reading hieroglyphics without any indication they had some kind of background to be able to do so. Perhaps the rat could do it instinctually?

Ending: It was okay, but it didn't make me scream. You could probably beef it up easily to make it a little scarier.

Line-by-line and Suggestions: I didn't see any issues, but the short verses in the tomb probably don't need quotes and may read better without them. Also, consider using italics instead of quotes for the other lines written on the walls.

Adherence to Contest Rules: That was a crazy prompt! It's unusual to have so many different items to cover in a short piece, and you did well with them. With the word count being under the 1500 limit, you should be just fine.

Overall Opinion: I enjoyed it, and you really did make the prompt into a fun story. Best of luck in the contest!

Write On!

Mastiff

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4572237

Review of Choose Right at the Top of the Stairs

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: Well, clearly I posted after you in I Write 2020. Not going to say I'd normally review poems, but this looks kind of fun.

How it made me feel: It certainly made me rethink some of my own decision.

Points I thought you made: I think this was a very internal poem, and it's nice you shared it. It absolutely said everyone should check themselves. I'm not sure about everything you put forth here, but I caught some of it. It sounds like bad things happened.

Anything Technical: I use more punctuation when I do poems, but it's so fluid, it's on the author. I would, but you didn't!

Adherence to Contest Rules: There are quite a few!

Contest begins at 12:00 AM WDC time on the 15th of each month and ends at 11:59 PM on the 14th of the next month. ~ Done!
Any subject and theme is acceptable. This is not a theme or prompt based contest. ~ Also looks fine to me.
Must not exceed a rating of 18+. ~ No problem
Must be 40 lines or fewer. Please give a line count at the bottom of your submission. ~ Need to fix this. You have it at the top.

Can be old or new items, but must be in your portfolio.
Items with awardicons are accepted.
One entry per poet, per round.
Poems may not be resubmitted in future rounds once they have been judged.
Must be submitted in Bitem or Entry format. { bitem:xxxxxx} or { entry:xxxxxx} If you need help with bitem linking, please see "Newbie Hyperlinking 101 - Bitem Format"
Editing is allowed, but judging is done throughout the month so edits may be missed by the judges.

I think those are all good.

Overall Opinion: It sounds painful. I hope you got a little relief writing this, because we all do share.

Thanks again!

Mastiff

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

6

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4569868

Review of I Write In 2020

for entry "Eclectic "

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: Aside from I Write 2020, I get to review the contest winner! Muhahaha!

How it made me feel: It made me want to get back to doing things I love without all the burdens I have right now.

Points I thought you made: Well, it's all very clear to me how you used the prompt, but the last line threw me just a tad. Can't what you described be chaotic and sublime? But you used "yet" instead, and it made me wonder a bit.

Anything Technical: I didn't see anything at all. Well, you spelled color wrong...

Adherence to Contest Rules: Hard to argue with success! Clearly you did it right or you wouldn't have taken the big prize!

Overall Opinion: Very nice. I enjoyed reading it, and it was well deserving of the win. Congrats!

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4565981

Review of The Carnival Arrives

Review by Mastiff

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: Clearly I Write 2020 made me!

I normally don't review much poetry.

How it made me feel: Wow, that really was dark. I always liked carnivals when I was a kid, but who knew?

Points I thought you made: Stay away from the clowns! Well, the entire band of traveling miscreant.

Adherence to Contest Rules: I think you nailed the "dark" part for sure. Might want to check the name of the contest in the title, though.

Overall Opinion: I love the carnival / carnal wordplay. The entire poem is full of darkness and I really enjoyed it. It has very powerful images throughout.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff

8

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4562049

Review of Honing the Craft

for entry "Week 9 Fulfilled"

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: Well, it's an I Write 2020 thing... but I enjoy your poetry having read a bit of it.

How it made me feel: Damn. This is the kind of thing I need to read right now. My life is in shambles, but I'm not alone at least. It was inspirational to read.

Points I thought you made: No matter what, find the happiness that keeps you living. I've been struggling with that, frankly.

Anything Technical:

Stanza- 1 Line - 1 or 2: I would either use a comma at the end of line one or capitalize line two.

Adherence to Contest Rules: It looks to me like you've done just fine. I like the quote.

Overall Opinion: I wish I could feel this way right now, but life is once again giving me the business. It is nice to read your poetry, and I've enjoyed it several times.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff

9

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4557739

Review of Snow's Writing for 2019, 2020, & Beyond

for entry "Caffeine Euphoria"

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: Well, I posted after you in I Write 2020, so it's required. But, I was so happy to see this contest come back, I may review more of them!

How it made me feel: I smiled. My wife is a serious coffee addict, but I can't really relate. If it's available, I'll drink it. But I have 5 bags and a can of coffee in my pantry, and hardly ever drink it. I even have my favorite, chickory coffee from New Orleans! Maybe I'm just spoiled.

Points I thought you made: I think it was pretty clear this is about a love affair with coffee!

Anything Technical: I don't think I saw anything out of order.

Adherence to Contest Rules: The prompt is fine, but you may have miscounted the syllables. I'm betting "skipped" was counted as two, and when I looked it up, it's one.

Overall Opinion: It was funny and cute. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it. Best of luck in the contest!

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4550952

Review of Appy Days

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece because I posted after you in I Write 2020. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: I love it. It's a neat little play on words without giving up the whole story. It looks like a good bet to draw in readers.

Initial Reaction: It's hard to have one with such a short piece, but I think very quickly I knew things weren't going to go well. But, since I didn't know what was going to go badly, it's still a good beginning.

Setting: It's very short, and we never really read about anything in detail. You had a few more words to play with on the 300-word count, so perhaps this is one place you could spend them.

Character Development: It's a shame we didn't get to see Tania a little better as well. You kind of assume she's younger and good looking, but it never says that. There would be more impact in the story if we knew for sure. Sometimes people of both sexes have very unreasonable expectations when it comes to dating, so who knows? He might have been in her league.

Plot: It's cute and quick. That's a good combination for flash fiction. It could have been a bit more powerful, as I've noted, but it works!

Ending: I'm not sure you had to include the title on the last line. It really lightens the mood, and I'm not certain that was what you wanted to do. If it was, it worked, but I think your main character was at least a little bit upset. She didn't even meet him to politely turn him down. I understand why she bailed, of course, just not sure that would put her in a light mood.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 7 Ln. 1 - Consider a comma after "need it."
Para. 9 Ln. 3 - Long sentence. It also ends in a question. Perhaps rework it that way. "What was he thinking with those tight jeans?!"

Overall - Not bad at all technically. Nothing was incorrect, those were just my suggestions.

Adherence to Contest Rules: No problem here that I see. I'm not sure of the prompt, but the word count is under the 300 allotted.

Overall Opinion: I did enjoy it. It was kind of fast, down and dirty! Sorry this review took so long, I've been in bed sick. At least it's not the virus!

Writing On!

Mastiff

11

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4542422

Review of Time For Regrets

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, I am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: I had the good fortune of posting after you in I Write 2020. I don't review much poetry, but I enjoyed reading this one.

How it made me feel: Probably about the same as you felt writing it. It's about something that we are all facing, together and apart. I hadn't heard "Boomer remover" before, but it sounds about right. Even so, it's still killing anyone without regard to much, except people with certain conditions.

Points I thought you made: This is a scary time for everyone, and you've really caught the essence of it. It does seem like several of the lines you have penned are very personal, too. It's affecting all of us, but not everyone is taking it the same.

Anything Technical: I think capitalizing the first line in the last stanza would be appropriate, even though it almost looks as if you meant to make a statement by not doing it. I'm just not sure exactly what it is...

Adherence to Contest Rules: The line count is fine and properly noted. This piece seems to be free form and allowed by the contest. It does read a bit like prose, though. I know I got nicked for that once in a contest.

Overall Opinion: You move through a timeline in the poem, and I like the way you went about it. It seems many people, myself included, have been writing about this pandemic. I believe what you've created here is a very good representation of all the work that we've done.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff

12

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4539055

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ It Was My Lucky Day or Was It? ~"

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello,

It's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It works. You don't give too much away, but still guve the gist of the piece. It may not work as a big draw, but not all titles do that.

Initial Reaction: It seemed non-fiction right from the start! But it was interesting, so I would have kept reading in any case.

Setting: There wasn't too much to really say about the setting, here. It just wasn't that kind of a story. But one can certainly read the frustration you were feeling.

Character Development: Well, it's all about one person for the most part. Anyone else mentioned is just kind of an offstage character or part of the big machine. You probably could have added a little depth here, I know I would have liked to read it.

Plot: Simple and to the point. I certainly can relate to how finding a job can be very frustration!

Ending: It seems like you are still upbeat, and hopeful for that lucky day. I'm hopeful for you as well.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Overall - I didn't find a thing!

Adherence to Contest Rules: I didn't see any dialogue, and you were well under the 700 words limit, so it seems good to me.

Overall Opinion: It was an interesting glimpse into you life (Or whomever you were describing), and it read well. I'm certainly pulling for you!

Write On!

Mastiff

13

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4537901

Review of First meeting.

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello,

It's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It doesn't give too much away, but it may not give quite enough description. You might consider adding in a descriptive word that hints at the type of meeting.

Initial Reaction: I was hooked fairly quickly, so it was well written from the start. You knew almost immediately what the whole thing was about, even though we weren't sure what we'd find when we got there. The subtitle made me curious, too. Aside from WDC, they are rarely used. I find that a shame.

Setting: The cafe is well set up. You could have added a few visuals, but it was easy enough to picture that kind of establishment without getting down to the color of the tablecloths.

Character Development: Also quite well done. You get a sense of both of them from each other's eyes. You could add a few more visual details, but I didn't particularly need them. Very nice touch with the sense of smell, too.

Plot: I liked it. I think anyone reading it will know she doesn't like the man! Perhaps the only thing missing is that he never references the phone call she gets to steal away from him. Perhaps it was unimportant to him, as he doesn't see it as the set up "getaway." Or, maybe you didn't want to give it away!

Ending: It really gives it some punch. Especially since he's obviously oblivious to it. You could mention it subtly in his rendition of the meeting without giving it away, but it would be a challenge.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 2 Ln. 3 - I'll bet you meant to add a line to create a new paragraph here. Same on paragraphs four and eight.
Para. 6 Ln. 1 - Consider a period after minutes and a new sentence. It's long as written, and that would be a natural break.
Para. 7 Ln. 2 - The point is good, but it's a bit clunky. Instead of "I suppose that to lose" consider just "that losing."

Overall - Well written! I found very little, and I'm a hard marker.

Adherence to Contest Rules: I'm not sure if this is a contest entry, but it would fit in the No Dialogue contest. That's saying something for a story about the first meeting between two people!

Overall Opinion: An interesting way to tell a tale. I had a sense of what was coming, but it was still fun to read. It wasn't perhaps a laugh out loud pice, but definitely a smile or a grin. It was the way I prefer my martinis... dry!

Writing On!

Mastiff

14

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4527978

Review of Dear me

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello,

I'm Mastiff, and I'm going to review your work! I'm just an amateur, so take it all with a grain of salt, as it's just my opinions. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I appreciate being able to read it.

First impression:
I realized pretty quickly you were having a rough go of it. So I was very interested in what you were going to do about it.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I think you need to edit your paragraphs. Adding spaces after your opener and between a few paragraphs would make it much easier to read.

Mechanics:

Para. 5 Ln. 1 - Need a comma after "commitmemnt."
Para. 6 Ln. 1 - Either make two sentences by using a period instead of a comma. Or, add a conjunction.
Para. 7 Ln. 1 - Need a comma after "weeks."
Para. 8 Ln. 1 - Need a comma after "past." Might add a conjunction after your comma as well.

Overall - Not bad. Just some minor edits.

Things I Like:
I very much enjoyed the goals you've set for both your life and your writing. I think you'll find that I Write is kind of daunting, but is incredibly fulfilling. I know it was for me last year! I'm determined to do it again.

Adherence to Contest Rules:
It all looks fine to me... Of course, you forgot to sign it!

Overall Opinion
It's a good job. For some reason, I've found it to be both a pleasurable and deceivingly difficult item to write. It takes some serious, no joke, introspection for it to really help you. That takes guts, and I think you dug deep and put it out there. May you achieve everything you set out to accomplish!

Mastiff

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4522810

Review of It Can't Be That Bad

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: I had to laugh. As soon as you say something like that, it's sure to be worse. So, I'd say it fits the story to perfection. It's would be a decent reader draw, but even though I do it as well, sometimes using the subtitle will draw even more people. Consider a dropnote or popnote to add the contest rules.

Initial Reaction: I generally read a bit, then decide if I'm going to review. This is part of I Write 2020, so it's not an option. But you had me at man cave, and then add in the craft room? Oh my, did those hit home! I enjoy flash fiction, so I most likely would have done it anyway, but still...

Setting: I know it's very hard to set a piece with a short word count, but do think about the five senses. I say this as much to remind myself as anything, but it really helps create the space if you can manage it.

Character Development: Are they young or older? What do they look like? Yes, it's only 300 words, but try and fit in some descriptors of the people in your story. A little goes a long way in that regard!

Plot: It's a new take on an old theme, really. Listen to The Bickersons someday, and you'll realize couples arguing over stuff isn't really new. However, the "man cave" and the new version of the craft room, the "she shed" are certainly of late.

Ending: Whups! A little too late! As I said, as soon as you say what you did in the title... your character tempted fate! And you know how she can be!

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 2 Ln. 2 - The hyphen is okay, but in a conversation, a period would work just as well.
Para. 7 Ln. 1 - Consider dropping the second "at work." Ending after "week" might make for a better flow.

Overall - Not bad! Very good technically!

Adherence to Contest Rules: Everything looks fine, almost... but even though it's not required, a word count is nice. Not only for the contest but to anyone reviewing the work. I did my own and it was 301. I just like to know because it factors in how much room you might have to add to the story.

Overall Opinion: It was a fun read, especially since it hit so close to home. Of course, I'm not sure the door to the craft room can still open it's so packed with stuff!

Write On!

Mastiff

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

16

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4518698

Review of Prompted by Poet's Place Cafe

for entry "Christmas Care Form of the Week Traditional Mongolian Meter"

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: It's part of I Write! Normally, I probably wouldn't review poetry from someone so well versed in poetry! Pun intended.

How it made me feel: I know this is meant to be a happy piece, but it made me sad in a couple of ways. My kids are grown, and we might have a nice meal, we don't really do much for the season anymore. Also, with money tight, I can't even buy everyone nice gifts. So, the second stanza really hit home. Ah well, at least the religious angle reminded me of the Christmas mornings of my youth.

Points I thought you made: I thing you were saying it is often a time of joy, but not for everyone, and people should be reminded to be kind, because of that fact.

Anything Technical: I read through the notes, and I couldn't find a thing.

Adherence to Contest Rules: No problems here. After all, it "prompt free for all poetic styles."

Overall Opinion: It sent me through a range of emotions in three stanzas, so I'd have to say I enjoyed it.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff

17

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14 days may be credited.

#4517434

Review of Happy Thanksgiving

Review by Mastiff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: Clearly, I posted after you in I Write. Oddly, I just wrote one of these myself as part of Rising Stars. Sorry it's taken so long to get this review done, but it's been pretty wild around here.

How it made me feel: I almost wish I'd done this yesterday! It was a wonderful read, and it made me smile remembering how nice it was with family. I'm agnostic, so I'm not really a god person, but it's one of those times you give thanks to whatever higher power you choose.

Points I thought you made: Well, clearly this was about Thanksgiving. But I must say, that had to be one heck of a spread! A bounty indeed. Wish I'd been able to see it through more than words.

Anything Technical: Last line, just one "s" on his.

Adherence to Contest Rules: It looks good to me. Kind of hard to mess up this type of poem!

Overall Opinion: I enjoyed it. I covered everything I love to eat!

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff

18

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4515812

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "They Are All Related..."

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello,

I'm Mastiff, and I'm going to review your work! I'm just an amateur, so take it all with a grain of salt, as it's just my opinions. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I appreciate being able to read it.

First impression:
At first I didn't quite get it, but then I read the contest rules and it made sense. I got the references, but I didn't know the reason for them. An interesting little piece!

Things That Might Make It Better:
I think you might have used a bit more of your 300 word count to tie everything up. It's fine as it stands, but it would be nice to know who is saying what.

Mechanics:

Para. 1 Ln. 2 - I'd put the second sentence on it's own line, and and a close parenthesis.
Para. 2 Ln. All - I think this is also someone speaking, so it needs quotes. I think this goes for all the next paragraphs.
Para. 5 Ln. 1 - I think you want a comma after "rescued" and "princess."

Overall - Not too bad, just needs a little bit of editing.

Things I Like:
It was a good selection of fairy tales that really do have a common thread.

Adherence to Contest Rules:
It looks like you covered all of the items well. Good work!

Overall Opinion
A very unusual contest, and you handled it well. Tying four fairy tales together in such a short piece isn't an easy task!

Mastiff

19

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14 days may be credited.

#4514234

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "Clothespins Conversing..."

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello,

Hi, it's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It's straight and to the point. It would be especially intriguing if a potential reader didn't know the contest you were entering.

Initial Reaction: I generally read in a couple paragraphs, then decide to continue and review. In this case, I found the dialogue interesting enough to continue. Especially since I kind of knew this was personal.

Setting: It's well done, particularly since it's all done through the "eyes" and interaction of the items themselves. Of course, the inside of a camper isn't too difficult for the majority of us to imagine.

Character Development: Also well done. We not only get to know the clothespins, but they have very different attitudes on their lot in life. It's kind of odd, in that you're meaning to bring an inanimate object to life, but your writing shows how much you rely on them. I think this is the first time I've reviewed this contest, so it was fun to see them develop.

Plot: It was certainly a cute way to approach the contest. It wasn't so much of a plot, as it was an interesting interaction between two clothespins.

Ending: Ending with a "moral to the story" was an excellent choice. In fact, many of us could learn a thing or two from your clothespins. It added a nice punch to the piece.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 2 Ln. 2 - Generally, it's after all, not one word.
Para. 5 Ln. 1 - Consider a comma after "help."
Para. 7 Ln. 1 - Typo... "Yeah" is what you want.
Para. 9 Ln. 1 - No need for extra exclamation points.
Para. 11 Ln. 2 - Rethink the colon. I bet an ellipsis would suit you better.

Overall - Two things. First, most normal dialogue uses contractions. Technically correct, yes, but if you say it out loud it sounds stilted. Second, it's almost never good to use all capitals for emphasis. Both times would be better suited to italics.

Adherence to Contest Rules: All looks fine!

Overall Opinion: I enjoyed reading it quite a bit, and I hope my review helped. Most don't go back and edit old contest entries, but I try and be helpful for future writing as well.

Writing On!

Mastiff

20

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14 days may be credited.

#4513402

Review of Pretty Ugly Words

for entry "Little Willies or Ruthless Rhymes"

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: Clearly I posted next in I Write 2019, but I like to think I'm getting a little better at poetry reviewing, and even if I wanted to cherry pick, many of ours writers are poetry people.

How it made me feel: I laughed! That's a rare thing these days, so congratulations. Even if you hadn't used Halloween, it would have been clear through the candy corn and color use.

Points I thought you made: A joke. I hadn't heard of the Little Willie form of poetry, I am always amazed how many are out there. Also, don't eat too much candy or go to an old hag's door!

Anything Technical: If anything, you might want to work on the four stresses per line. It seemed to me you may have had more than four on at least one line.

Adherence to Contest Rules: Aside from the accentual (#2), it looked fine. And that's just my opinion, really. I'm certainly not the expert here...

Overall Opinion: It was a quick easy read that was lighthearted, even with a busted spleen!

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff

21

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4508482

Review of I Write in 2019

Review by Mastiff

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Because this contest has been awesome!

22

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14 days may be credited.

#4508401

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ The Disaster ~"

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello,
It's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: I suppose I'm up for a disaster story anytime, so it made me want to see what happened. Not sure what to make of the ellipsis, but it seems fine to me.

Initial Reaction: I always read a bit, then decide if I'm going to continue and review. At least, when it's not compulsory at I write! Now I had to wonder what kind of disaster could happen at a birthday party. I know you couldn't use the word, but I can!

Setting: In such a short piece, it's difficult to set the scene, but you had enough for a reader to get a good feel for where we're located. At least, anyone who's been in the south. People who haven't would need much more than you could provide in a short story.

Character Development: If you ever lengthen the story, this would be a good place for development. I'd have liked to have "seen" your people with some description. I got a feel for them through their actions, but couldn't visualize them.

Plot: It's cute, and certainly not what I expected. Maybe it should have been Kitchen Disaster! It tells the tale front start to finish, and flows well.

Ending: It wasn't what I expected, that's for certain. It could have even worked better if you had foreshadowed the "giant hole" earlier when you mention the rented cabin.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 1 Ln. 1 - I think you need a comma after "day."
Para. 2 Ln. 3 - A comma after "more." Also, you should avoid ending a sentence with a preposition, even if it's not as big a deal these days.
Para. 5 Ln. 3 - I would have incorporated the text in parenthesis into the sentence, but that's just me.
Para. 6 Ln. 1 - Comma after "baker."
Para. 9 Ln. 1 - Comma after "reveal."
Para. 11 Ln. 2 - I think you want "chagrin" there.
Para. 14 Ln. 2 - Computer, or "leetspeak", still isn't a very acceptable unless you're writing about computers or an internet story.

Overall - Not too bad, mostly just punctuation. I'm sure a quick edit could fix those right up.

Adherence to Contest Rules: No problems here, I didn't see one naughty word.

Overall Opinion: It was an easy read, and I liked it. I do think it could be better if you added more content.

Write On!

Mastiff

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4507992

Review of Origin

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello,

I'm Mastiff, and I'm going to review your work! I'm just an amateur, so take it all with a grain of salt, as it's just my opinions. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I appreciate being able to read it.

First impression:
I must say, you got me hooked from the start. The title doesn't give much. In fact, I never assumed it was a name. You don't always get the subtitle, so the title and the first few lines might be all you get. You did a fine job with the opening, so good job. One thing I'd mention, it's easy to add a cover picture, and they have plenty of stock items here. Use them, they can also draw people into your tale.

Things That Might Make It Better:
An opening chapter is a good place to let us "see" your character(s), and here is no different. A nice spot could be where you describe the black gloves. If you made him dark in hair and features, for example, we can start to get a mental image for the rest of the story. Since it is a chapter, you have more writing that can fill out the setting and develop more people who will be part of the overall body of work.

Mechanics:

Para. 2 Ln. 2 - Even though people are more lax about it these days, "with" is a preposition, and it's best not to end a sentence with one. (Next sentence, too.)
Para. 4 Ln. 2 - Same thing. Those should be easy to work with and end them differently.
Para. 6 Ln. 1 - As begins a prepositional phrase, which generally requires a comma. It would be after "beings." Also, I think you missed an "it" in there.
Para. 6 Ln. 2 - Again, same thing. You need a comma after "detective" and another "it." Remove the "from" as well.
Para. 7 Ln. 3 - I do believe "Depending on how you look at it." is a fragment.
Para. 9 Ln. 2 - Another comma after "awhile." Also, I believe you want "mastered."

Overall - Not too bad, really. Punctuation fixes and a solid edit is mostly what you need.

Things I Like:
I like your writing style in this piece. You seem to have a good lexicon, and it shows. But further, you put them together well. If you do write more chapters, let me know, it would be fun to follow.

Overall Opinion
Is it the newest plot? Maybe not. But it's not one I've seen explored often, and it looks like you're going to continue the story. It will be interesting to see where you take it!

Mastiff

24

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14 days may be credited.

#4507981

Review of Mercy

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello Mia,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: Short and to the point, and you give us more in the sub-title. Just remember you won't always have the latter to bolster the first. Descriptive titles can often draw in readers.

Initial Reaction: I tend to stop after a little bit to decide if I want to review and read on, and you had enough of a hook in the beginning to get me to finish the story and review. That's a good thing. Catching a readers interest in a few lines means you've started off well.

Setting: It's quite short, so it's difficult to add much description. At the end, Emma "found her way into town," so I imagined it in a kind of rural setting. If you work on this more, it wold be a good way to beef it up.

Character Development: The same is true here, even though we certainly understand all the parties on an emotional level. I think knowing their ages, and capturing a snapshot of how they look would be a nice addition to what you've already accomplished.

Plot: I enjoyed it. I think it needs some revisions, additions, and polish, but it's a good start on a story.

Ending: Truthfully, I wanted to know more about what happened to Emma. At times, authors will leave a reading hanging on purpose, but be careful not to do to much of that. I'd enjoy having a few more paragraphs to let me know how it turned out for her.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 1 Ln. 7 - This is a fragment, so consider reworking it. Also, you want "me" instead of "I."
Para. 2 Ln. 2 - When doing dialogue, you don't have to be formal. Is it more likely Cole would say, "I have.." or, "I've?" Just a thought.
Para. 3 Ln. 1 - Use a comma after "well."
Para. 3 Ln. 2 - Again, "cannot" is probably not what Emma would say. Replace it with "can't" and it will give better flow.
Para. 8 Ln. 1 - Try it without the "um." It takes away from the exclamatory sentence.
Para. 8 Ln. 3 - In general, all capitals is frowned upon in formal writing, even though they have their place. I'd replace all of them with italics.
Para. 9 Ln. 2&3 - I read your piece twice and have no idea what "comma" or "the demon" mean to the story. You could just pull those two sentences.

Overall - This would be a much easier read if you broke it into paragraphs. Start with separating the narrative from the dialogue.

Overall Opinion: I hope this didn't really happen to you or anyone you know. It was one of those times I want to slap a fictional character. It certainly needs some work, and I tried to give a bit of advice. If you decide to do a rewrite, let me know and I'll be happy to look at it again.

Writing On!

Mastiff

25

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14 days may be credited.

#4507378

Review of Community Challenges

for entry "A Gift of Freedom"

Review by Mastiff

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It works. It's apt, and doesn't give away the story. I clicked on it!

Initial Reaction: This is usually where I stop and decide if I'm going to do a review, after a couple paragraphs. It is an I Write 2019 item, but it's an extra review, so I can choose what I wish! I was drawn in enough to continue to read and then review, so good work!

Setting: It does what it needs to do on a short word count. If you ever decide to beef it up, this could be one place to add some description. Not sure if German hospitals differ much from the US, and most readers have been in one, but scene setting is important. The objects are well described, and that is more important to the piece.

Character Development: Again, not bad at all. I think we could "see" them even better with some description of their features. Usually Doctors Without Borders are younger, but not always! A bit more wouldn't hurt.

Plot: It paced along nicely, and was devoid of the hiccups you often find in short fiction pieces. I enjoyed it throughout.

Ending: There was a little mystery left when you finished, and it really made for a strong ending. We don't know exactly how the doctor will be able to use the gift. Will it just be flying like in a dream, or will he eventually control it more? I'd like to believe he can use the gift to visit places he wants to see!

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 1 Ln. 2 - Consider a comma before the "and."
Para. 6 Ln. 2 - Perhaps a comma before the "but."
Para. 13 Ln. 3 - One more before the "but."

Overall - Not much save a little comma work, so very well done!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff