I like it!! It's spooky and interesting. I love the culture, and I can picture the old house in the woods, with a quiet ceiling fan. This was fun to read. I read it straight through to the end.
Most second-person stories tend to get lost in a gradual third-person takeover, but that never happened in this particular story. It made it easy to picture everything that was happening in my head. I thought the descriptions were perfectly written, without over-explaining the setting or the characters. And while it was somewhat predictable, it's not long enough for that to be an issue. The time, voice and scenery were very well done.
Initially, this had nice meter, but it sort of lost it's rhythm by the last two stanzas. Aside from the obvious grammatical errors, and the meter break at the end, I liked what it conveyed very well. I liked the metaphor of industry vs. greed, and how people can easily get blinded by one without realizing the dangers of the other.
Good stuff: As far as fiction writing goes, the most important thing is keeping a reader interested. You did a pretty good job with continuity and context, and I like the premise. It was easy to see both characters, and their perspectives were very easy to conjure. I would definitely read this as a serial novel, if you chose to continue it.
Needs Work Stuff: Look up the Oatmeal's comic on semicolons. It will be helpful in places where your sentences seem to run on a bit. Also, this isn't really a short story, in the true definition of the term. There's a LOT of backstory here, that would be better served as a novel, with time to introduce characters and build on the right plot. There needs to be an antagonist, but something less obvious than a jealous half-sister plotting a coup with a dragon shapeshifter. (That's still good - there just needs to be more) I think a decent chapter on the early life of the Princess would be a good way to show her animosity at her father and brothers, and how she has a affinity for her people, low and high ranking. I think the build up for the two of them to just KNOW each other would come out better, if there's more time to write it.
Overall, I liked this. I hope you continue with it. I'd like to read more! Good luck!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marywise
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 2:36pm on Dec 04, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
